American Chimpanzee

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Green Slimy Stuff “a good breakfast gone bad”      Sometimes, in between all the bad news, I wonder about things. Does the universe go on forever? Can life exist on other planets? Will Tide clean better than the next leading brand?      And then there’s bears.       Why are they so fast?      They’re big, they’re fat, they’re lumbering… how is it they can outrun a human being? An average man running for his life can reach 12 mph. A bear chasing that man can easily catch him at 35. Even Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, can’t outrun a bear. Why the discrepancy? Humans were designed for running. Bears, for hibernating up to 8 months out of the year. Just like my ex-wife.      What also doesn’t make sense is how a good morning can turn bad in the blink of an eye. You’ll remember in my la...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene The Sky Is Black! “a glitch in the simulatrix”   It was raining. Not pouring, but steady. I had already let the dogs outside to do their business. They weren't happy, but they do what they're told. My father, on the other hand, is a stubborn old coot. That’s okay. So am I.      He was sitting at the kitchen table. At the HEAD of the kitchen table. You know... MY chair.      "You'll have to skip your walk today, pop," I told him. "It's raining."      "No, it's not," he said.       My father is a man who doesn’t like to be told what to do. It had only rained all night. That morning was no different.      "Of course it's raining," I told him. "Look outside."      "I AM looking outside," he said, not looking outside.     ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Death & Other Minor Inconveniences “never ask anyone about anybody”       Hungry or not, my father insists on eating on a schedule. You know what that means? It means I eat on a schedule, too. HIS schedule. You wouldn’t believe the pounds I’ve packed on as a result. Although, if I’m honest, women are the primary reason there's more of me to love. By women, I mean Betty Crocker, Little Debbie, and Dolly Madison. My beautiful wife doesn't think I’m overweight, though. Just six inches too short for my weight. Getting back to my father, my wife’s concerned he'll choke on something while eating, so she makes me join him as a sort of culinary bodyguard. This chore is less of a calling and more of a burden because my father likes to drone on about who’s sick or has died. These conversations begin benignly enough— “Shouldn’t you be mowing the lawn?” he’ll say, confusing me with ...

  Fake News Reports! If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. ********* On live TV, President Covid-Xi had the former Chinese leader Hu Jintao physically escorted out of the Great Hall of the People during the CCP's Party Congress!   “Make sure his body’s never found,” ordered the likeable Fentanyl exporter. ********* THIS JUST IN: The Staff Writers Of Saturday Night Live Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “We REFUSE to take part in anything that’s funny,” a spokesperson for SNL said. ********* SNL Staff Writers Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “Bring back Andrew Dice Clay!” they chanted on their way out. ********* Saturday Night Live’s Staff Writers Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “What can I do?” squeaked a timid Lorne Michaels, cowering in the corner. “I’m just the producer.” ********* AN ARIZONA UPDATE: Politici...

Sagittarius:  Things will get better after the amputation. Pisces:  No one will ever love you. Aquarius:  You're going to die alone. Taurus:  Everything you like will give you cancer. Virgo:  Your mother-in-law is going to live forever. Aries:  You'll never be happy. Gemini:  That scratching sound you hear outside your bedroom window… it could be a tree branch. Libra:  It’s only going to get worse. Cancer:  Guess who's expiration date is about to expire? Capricorn:  I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you. Scorpio:  Nobody lives forever. Especially you. Leo:  Remember how you said you would rather die than see President Trump win a second term in office? Well... Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist