American Chimpanzee

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Under The Influence "thinking 'bout this and that"   Enjoy your youth.      Because when you get older it’s gonna hurt.      Case in point, I've just had a full knee replacement. When I first started having knee issues my doctor suggested I should drop a few pounds. I tried to excuse the excess poundage by explaining it runs in my family. He said it was obvious that NOBODY runs in my family.      When I got home from the hospital my granddaughter was so happy to see me that, along with a tender hug, she gave me a pack of gummy bears that she got for Christmas. She missed my tucking her in. It was only for one night, but I missed tucking her in, too.      My father… well, he had his own way of expressing his happiness.      “Since one of your legs is shorter than the other now,” ...

  a story by my 9-year-old granddaughter An Afterlife For Me On The Titanic By Addison Olivia Duchene    There I was, screaming, terrified, waiting. Just waiting to drown. My pets and friends… I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.      I was hanging on to the pole right next to me, trying to hold myself up. My hands were sweaty and I let go. Trying to push myself up, I just drowned in the ocean.       The water was freezing cold and dark. Like a shadow came over me. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, so I was suffocating. Then I saw a light, And the next thing I knew I died.       Then I was alive, but angry, sad, and confused.       Why was I alive?       I realized I was a ghost and wanted to get revenge on boats. Then I tried to find my body, but it was buried in the ocean floor. Then I realized I was alone.   ...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene I Retired For This? “yeah, I thought so”    My wife and I were cleaning our oakwood floors downstairs.      Wood floors need a good, old fashioned cleaning and waxing several times a year to keep it rich looking, and all that cleaning and waxing takes an awful lot of elbow grease. With the grease usually coming from  MY  elbow. The whole affair takes too long to do all at once, so we break it up into sections.       Which reminds me of the following joke:         What did the broom say to the vacuum cleaner?      “I’m tired of people pushing us around.”        But I digress...      By we, I’m not including my father. He was sitting in his (my) favorite chair. I couldn't see him from where I was, but I knew he was there because I could...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Red Cheese Enchiladas "and, I’m begging you, no salad"   It's funny about the restaurant I used to buy my mother’s gourmet enchiladas from.      What am I talking about?      I'm talking about back when my beloved mother was still alive, I'd go over every Saturday morning for breakfast. When my schedule at work changed, so did the time I’d go over and visit. Breakfast became lunch, and the routine changed from her feeding me, to me feeding her. I always asked in advance what she would like, but her order never changed. It was always red cheese enchiladas, extra onions, and no salad.      "What about your father?" you might ask.      You sure do ask a lot of questions, my friend.      Well, my father preferred home-cooked meals, so my mother would grudgingly fix him something else to eat. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Three’s A Crowd "I wish I hadn’t heard that"   ...one...   When kids ride in the backseat of a car with their friends, they forget a parent is sitting behind the wheel listening to everything they say.      Years ago, I was driving my youngest daughter and her friend to school when I overheard the friend say she had walked in on her parents in the middle of doing, well, um... you know. The thing that disgusted her the most was seeing her father wearing his CPAP mask.      “Gross!” she said. "It was like watching Darth Vader having sex.”   ...two…         My buddy Maloney recently asked if my father still offers me words of wisdom.      I had to think about that.      I came to the conclusion that any words of wisdom my father offers are usually in the...