American Chimpanzee

as featured in Desert  Exposure Magazine    RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene   Persnickety “the trouble with getting old”      I’d like to thank all my readers who wished me well in the aftermath of my full knee replacement surgery. I call it that to make the experience sound more dramatic than it actually was, but I’d like you to know that I didn’t mention my surgery as  a way to garner sympathy. I mentioned it hoping someone would start a Go Fund Me account.      Of course, I’m only kidding.      Well wishes weren’t necessary, my friends, but they were very much appreciated. It’s always nice to know that someone is out there reading these words I write, although recent correspondences have been more along the lines of “Where’s the end of your story?”       Just so you know, I have nothing to do with that, but the situation is similar to the old National Lampoon Radio H...

  RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Fast Food Favorites “Who stole my Dilly Bar?”      My two favorite fast food restaurants are Dairy Queen and Chick-fil-A.      Let me tell you why.      It’s not just the Pumpkin Pie Blizzards and Peppermint Shakes, which are available seasonally. It’s the free food I get with each purchase. You see, at the bottom of their receipts are online surveys. Take them and, for your trouble, you'll earn a complimentary Dilly Bar at Dairy Queen or chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A. And free, my friends, is my preferred price point.      Unfortunately, the offer only comes out occasionally on the Chick-fil-A receipts, while they’re on the bottom of every Dairy Queen receipt. That makes Dairy Queen my favorite fast food restaurant by default. If you think I can be easily bought, you’re right.      The only problem is, unless Dairy Queen’s ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Guilty Me “adventures in chicken land”      My eight-year-old granddaughter and I were on the west side of town picking up her new glasses. We live on the far east side of town. Why we had to drive all this way, you'll have to ask my wife. She's beautiful, but she has no sense of distance.      “Are you hungry?” I asked her as we left the eyeglass store.      “A little,” she said.      “What would you like?”      “Chick-fil-A.”      Fortunately, there’s always one close by. The last time we stopped at this particular one we took our food to a hiking trail and had an adventure. That was before the Great Toilet Paper Shortage. She must have been five or so. The time before that she was four. We were sitting next to the playground, but the rule was she had to finish...

    a story by my 9-year-old granddaughter The Monster Hero By Addison Olivia Duchene    I was putting my daughter to sleep when she asked me, "Mom, can you please tell me about the monster who saved you?"      "Okay," I told her, "here it goes. When I was a little girl, maybe 9-years-old, I was picking flowers to throw in the lake to see them float. Then I saw a reflection in the  water, but I couldn't make it out. The reflection was Frankenstein's monster, but I wasn't afraid of him. He looked like he was scared or had no friends, so I asked him, 'Do you want to join me?' He nodded and I gave him some flowers. We became friends. I turned away to throw some more flowers into the water and when I turned back he was gone.      "A couple of years later, when I was about 11-years-old, I was walking outside at night and was attacked by Dracula, and when I thought I was going to die Frankenstein's monster jumped out and saved me. He dist...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Under The Influence "thinking 'bout this and that"   Enjoy your youth.      Because when you get older it’s gonna hurt.      Case in point, I've just had a full knee replacement. When I first started having knee issues my doctor suggested I should drop a few pounds. I tried to excuse the excess poundage by explaining it runs in my family. He said it was obvious that NOBODY runs in my family.      When I got home from the hospital my granddaughter was so happy to see me that, along with a tender hug, she gave me a pack of gummy bears that she got for Christmas. She missed my tucking her in. It was only for one night, but I missed tucking her in, too.      My father… well, he had his own way of expressing his happiness.      “Since one of your legs is shorter than the other now,” ...

  a story by my 9-year-old granddaughter An Afterlife For Me On The Titanic By Addison Olivia Duchene    There I was, screaming, terrified, waiting. Just waiting to drown. My pets and friends… I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.      I was hanging on to the pole right next to me, trying to hold myself up. My hands were sweaty and I let go. Trying to push myself up, I just drowned in the ocean.       The water was freezing cold and dark. Like a shadow came over me. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, so I was suffocating. Then I saw a light, And the next thing I knew I died.       Then I was alive, but angry, sad, and confused.       Why was I alive?       I realized I was a ghost and wanted to get revenge on boats. Then I tried to find my body, but it was buried in the ocean floor. Then I realized I was alone.   ...