American Chimpanzee

Everybody in El Paso whines, cries, and complains, but, in the end, no one ever does anything.  We're all waiting for Superman to show up and save us.  But it's like I tell my kids:  "If you're waiting for a superhero to solve your problems, then you're gonna be waiting for a very long time."      Yeah, my kids don't know what the heck I'm talking about, either.      Whether it's Men's Health Magazine calling us the fattest this or our own state governor calling us the most dangerous that, we always seem to find ourselves being defined by the ignorance of others.  If ignorance is bliss, then El Paso is truly blessed.      Most recently, we've had Andrew Rice, who, I believe, is the illicit love child of Andrew Lloyd Weber and his former lyricist Tim Rice, writing an article about El Paso for the New York Times, and, basically, calling us a third world nation joined precariously at the hip to a city known ...

As someone who's seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey about a dozen times (and still falls asleep about midway through it) I can't help but be impressed by this new miracle of technology called the iPad.  Even George Jetson would be amazed.      I was there for the presentation, and you might think you know what it can do, but, trust me, you don't know a fraction of what it really can do.  Sure, you can run an infinity of apps on it, but would you believe that the iPad responds to--and responds back with--verbal commands?  This, however, is probably something that Steve Jobs would rather keep a secret between him and his cabal.      "Wow," I said, gently holding a sample iPad in my hands.  "You're pretty sweet."      "Thank you," it answered, with a soft, feminine voice.  "You're not so bad yourself."      Before I could be surprised, the man next to me started choking on ...

With age comes wisdom.      That's what I've always been told, but these days I'm really not sure.  I don't think people become wise because they grow old.  I think they simply become wise after the fact.      "I told you he was a loser."      "I told you she'd get fat."      "I told you not to stick that up your nose."      When I used to sell cars in Mobile, Alabama, the best advice I ever got was if I wanted to sell a lot of cars I should go learn from the best salesman on the lot, not the worst.  The worst salesmen are the ones standing around bragging about what they're going to do, while the best salesmen are the ones out there doing it.  So I went to the salesman who consistently sold the most cars every month, and he promptly sold me a car.      I still don't know how he did it.      Advice is a tricky th...

I hate to sound like an old geezer, but I sure am tired of modern technology.  I'm old school.  An original gangsta.  I was country before country was cool.       I'm not saying I'm old, I'm just saying that when God said:  "Let There Be Light!" he first had to tell me to get out of the way.      When I wake up, before I start my day, I like to kick back with a hot cup of joe, leisurely read my morning newspaper, and ignore my wife.  But now I read that Apple's iPad is the must-have toy du jour (at least until the next one comes out).  Even students at Southwest Career College are replacing their textbooks with that newfangled contraption.  As for me, I don't think so.  I'm entirely satisfied with my newspaper, thank you very much.      Oh, I understand, these days you have to either learn how to use a computer or you learn how to sweep around them, but, I submit to you, my loyal...

I once told Abraham Lincoln:  "Y'know, Abe, you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."      "Y'know, Jim," he answered back, "I like those odds."      So when various sources call El Paso the fattest this or the ugliest that, I feel that one way to combat this negative press is by promoting El Paso with something positive.  Being the nation's safest city is a start, but I think we need to go further than that, and by further I mean stretching the truth a bit.      It's like I told Adolph Hitler:  "Y'know, Adolph, if you tell the same lie often enough it becomes the truth."      El Paso!  The Only City To Win The Nobel Peace Prize!  This isn't exactly a lie.  Even President Obama admitted in his first acceptance speech that his Peace Prize was actually wo...

I can't say I understand Muslim extremists who threaten death to all who disrespect their holy prophet Mohammed, but I do understand their objection to that disrespect.  That's why I can't comprehend why so many Muslims are named Mohammed.  Wouldn't naming an unworthy human Mohammed be the most supreme of insults to their most revered prophet?       To be honest, I don't care for anybody naming their child after any particular deity.  I find that incredibly offensive.  Not to mention a burden.  When you name your child Jesus, for example, you've doomed him to failure.  No matter his accomplishments, he'll always be a far second to his namesake.      Myself, I've given each of my children the first name of "Doctor".  That way they can set up a medical practice without the costly inconvenience of actually going to medical school.  They all specialize in "referrals".  For example, when a patie...

Now that John Cook--mayor of El Paso and former Captain of the Starship Enterprise--has subverted the will of the people by restoring health benefits to gay city employees, the question now becomes:  How do you determine who is or is not, in fact, a homosexual?      To address this, Mayor Cook, along with city Reps. Susie Byrd and Steve Ortega, instucted Larry Tate from the McMann & Tate Advertising Agency (the ad agency responsible for doing such a bang-up job promoting El Paso), to come up with a test to determine if a person is undeniably gay, and thus eligible for "domestic partner benefits."      This is what they came up with:   MAYOR COOK'S HOME HOMOSEXUALITY TEST   1.  How would you tell your Uncle Moe that a particular girl is a prostitute?      a)  She's a pro, Moe.      b)  She's a hooker, Moe.      c)  She's a ho, Moe.  ...