The Week In Tweets: Special Still-Recovering-From-New-Year's-Eve Edition

Restraining order! Issued against Miley Cyrus! In New York!

Restraining Order! Issued Against Miley Cyrus! In New York!
''After seeing her music video Wrecking Ball, I feared for my safety,'' the New Year's Eve Countdown Ball said, still shaking in fear.
        

J.K. Rowling collaborating on a Harry Potter play pre-Hogwarts. It's going to be called Harry Potter and the Bottomless Bucket of Cash.
 

If there's one thing I've learned from watching The Walking Dead, it's to NEVER ask a zombie to give you a hand, because they will... literally.
 

Is it true? Can Kate, Prince William's wife, be pregnant again? So soon?

I don't know, I wasn't there. Plus, we were never alone.

I swear.

      

Paul Rudd starring in Marvel's new Ant-Man movie gives new meaning to the old Hollywood cliche:

''There are no small parts... only small actors.''

      

Katie Couric! Unemployed! Sarah Palin! Employed!

That's a nice metaphor showing the difference between liberals and conservatives.

      

Keanu Reeves' 47 Ronin is such a flop it'll be lucky to earn a buck per ronin.

      

Good artists borrow. Great artists steal. And Shia LaBeouf? He just keeps starring in Transformers movies.

      

In The Expendables 3, Mel Gibson and Wesley Snipes battle their worst nightmare:
A JEWISH IRS AGENT!

      

The best thing about New Year's is that we can all just start over.

      

My optometrist told me that my eyesight's so bad I need glasses...

I sure didn't see THAT coming.

      

I hate it when it snows just after I've finished shoveling the walk and I have to do it all over again. Is that what housework is like?

      

2Ol3 was a bad year for the economy, but 2Ol4 should be better.
By the way, you're fired.

      

Christmas is like a hurricane. It comes, it goes, and you spend the following year dealing with the damage reports you get from your credit cards.

      

''Where are the whores?' Justin Bieber allegedly said after signing the guest book at the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam.

      

We all have our faults. Some people, however, have more than others.

Hey! What's everybody looking at me for?

      

My parents oppress me. But, then, they also feed me and give me spending money.

Oppression has its benefits.

      

''Embrace The Suck.''
A Nancy Pelosi quote? Or a porno movie title?

      

For New Year's, I'm resolving to have more interesting dreams. I keep sleeping through the ones I have.

      

A New Year's Eve of decadence had its appeal, but a quiet evening at home was the wise choice.
I chose the decadence.

      

On New Year's Eve, first I took the drink... and then the drink took me.

      

It's New Year's morning and I'm guessing a lot of last minute resolutions are going to have to do with less alcohol.

      

This Just In!
People!
All over the world!
On New Year's Eve!
Acted like idiots!
For more information look in your mirror.

      

Just before midnight on New Year's Eve I like to take a private moment to assess my life.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

      

Fat Mike's so ugly, when he went to KLAQ's haunted house on Halloween... they offered him a job.

      

I'm not telling anyone any of my New Year's resolutions.
They might hold me to them.

      

Fat Mike's so ugly... on the day he was born his father took one look at him, went to the zoo, and shot the monkey.

      

About my New Year's resolutions: It's not that I don't like change, it's that I don't like TO change.

      

Choosing wine for New Year's Eve might be good for your LDLs, but it's terrible for your DUIs.

      

This New Year's, I resolve to finish everthing I star

      

Hmm... I wonder how the media would have reported it, if it had been George Bush and not President Obama who had been taking selfies at Nelson Mandela's funeral.
Especially with a hot blonde.

      

Dental, medical, room & board... crime may not pay, but it sure has a great retirement package.

      

I can't think of any resolutions I need to make.
Maybe I should ask my wife.

      

Economics lOl: ''A rising tide lifts all boats.''
That's great news... if you're a boat.

      

Hmm... the year's almost over.
Wasn't there something I was supposed to do?

      

Money does not buy happiness... but it DOES buy beer.

      

You can't have it all.

Where would you put it?

  

  

American Chimpanzee

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