American Chimpanzee

Somewhere... in the cosmos...   "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?"      It was Christmas Eve and President Obama was sitting in the Oval Office brooding. Come the new year, he would be out and a new president would be sworn in, but there was so much left to do.      So much left to do.      Like every president who served before him, he worried about his legacy these last few days in public office. Was he too hard on Israel? Too easy on radical Islam? Should he have secured the border and fixed the ailing economy? Was it wise to bring potential terrorists possibly disguised as political refugees into the country?      Well, it was too late now. History would judge him by the results of his efforts, not by the nobility of his intentions.      "O...

In a world where the Taliban throws acid in the faces of young girls and women to keep them from going to school or getting an education, it's refreshing to read a newspaper article about Muslim women in the United States learning how to defend themselves against Americans.      When a press-hog like the then-15-year-old Muslim schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai grabs all the headlines for having the good fortune of being shot in the head (for being an education advocate in the Muslim country of Pakistan), let's all remember she survived what should have been a fatal gunshot. Besides, she didn't choose to be shot. In fact, given the choice, I'm sure she would have chosen not to have been shot.      What kind of hero is that?      Even the Nobel Prize committee, while nominating her for their Peace Prize, didn't feel she deserved to win. Instead they gave it to President Obama for... for...      Well, I rea...

A new priest arrived at the Vatican and was put in charge of the elderly priests who had spent their entire lives copying the Bible. He couldn't help but notices that they were copying by hand copies of the Bible that had already been copied by hand, and reasoned that this had probably gone on since the time of Christ.       He immediately requested an audience with Pope Francis, and, when it was granted, he told the Vicar of Christ, "Forgive me, Holy Father, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?"       The head of the Roman Catholic Church considered what he was told, and answered, "You make a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my personal office and study it against the original document."       And he did exactly that. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   This should be an especially happy Thanksgiving for me. I plan on spending it celebrating my winning the presidency of the United States of America.      "What do you mean?" I can hear you saying. "We haven't seen you campaigning! We haven't seen you fund raising! We haven't even seen you on the debates! And why are we using so many exclamation points!"      Please.      That stuff's for the 99%.      As for paying for my historic run for office, I'm self-funding.      "How?" you ask.      It was easy.      I created a green energy car manufacturing company called Fisher Automotive, a beneficiary of President Obama's green energy loan guarantee program, which subsidized my company to the snap, crackle, pop of $529 million in green stimu...

Linus was heartbroken.      He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve.      "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes."      But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened.      "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where are you?"      Wait a minute...      You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is?      Well...      On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the child...

Birkenstock Sandals in the Sand by Hillary Rodham Clinton   One night I had a dream.      I dreamt I was walking along the beach and God was tagging along.      Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed there were two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to me and the other to the Lord.     When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints. I couldn't help but noticed that a lot of the time there was only one set of footprints. Sad to say, but this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when Bill would leave to judge the Miss Arkansas pageant or train the interns without me.     This really chapped my hide, so I confronted God about it.      "Lord," I told Him, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You,...

1) "My heart? I had that surgically removed years ago."   2) "Come with me outside so I can show you my tazer."   3) "What are you, a lesbian? You are? That's okay. My penis is so small it will be like you're making love to a woman anyway.   4) "One thing I would never do is force myself on somebody. That's what Rohypnol is for."   5) "You must be some kind of radiation, because I'm getting an abnormal growth in my pants."   6) "Me? No, I wouldn't hurt a fly. My bodyguards on the other hand..."   7) "But enough about me... Hey! Wake up!"   8) "You know, my mother never loved me."   9) "I hate women. You seem okay, though."   10) "You've heard of Clinton's Don't Ask/Don't Tell? Let me tell you about Donald Trump's Don't Ask/Don't Tell/And I Won't Have To Shoot You In The Head."     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpo...

1) "You know what would look good on you? ME!"    2) "Sure that pick-up line is old, but so am I."   3) "Scream all you want. I've had this room sound-proofed."   4) "It would cost a lot to make you 'disappear,' but it would be worth it."   5) "I'm going to f*ck you in ways you can never imagine. Turn me down, and I'll start with your credit."   6) "It's okay that you're a pig. I'll be thinking about Sarah Palin anyway."   7)  "Don't worry about my bodyguards. They get paid not to see."   8) "Yeah, well, I'M Donald Trump! How about YOU buy ME a drink?"   9) "You ever seen a solid-gold dildo?"   10) "Your mouth says 'no,' but your lips say 'I want a lollipop.'"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

It was an hour before dawn in the Grand Kremlin Palace in Moscow, the official residence of the Russian President. On his computer in his private office, while others were still deep in sleep, dreaming their communist dreams of stabbing each other in the back, Vladimir Putin was hard at work hacking into Hillary Clinton's campaign email account, much like he did with her unsecured private server when she was Secretary of State.      "So, Comrade," the sultry voice of Anastasia Steelinski caressed the darkness, "it  is true, you  are rigging the American presidential election. I find that... incredibly sexy."      "Madam Comrade," Putin said, coiled and ready to strike. You could say his blood turned cold, but that would be redundant.      Then he got up from his chair and moved toward her, his arms and legs slithering through the shadows, like a snake discovering an unguarded clutch of eggs. When he stopped, he was so close to ...

Doc Martens in the Sand   One night Hillary Clinton had a dream.      She dreamt she was walking along the beach with God.      Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to her and the other to the Lord.     When the last scene of Hillary Clinton's life flashed before her, she looked back at the footprints. She noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints. She also noticed that this was at the lowest and saddest times of her life, like when she first heard the news about Monica Lewinski.     This really bothered her and she questioned God about it.      "Lord," she said, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You, You'd never leave me, but I have noticed that during the harde...

10) Pretend you're listening to her. She'll like that. 9) Go ahead and lie to her. A woman might not believe everything you say, but you won't know until you try. 8) Don't worry, crying is good for her. 7) If you've seen the movie Misery , then you know how to make her stay at home where she belongs.   6) Sincerity? Yeah, I can fake that.   5) Cattle prods make a terrific deal closer.   4) Don't worry about her family. They can be bought.   3) Making her dress like your mother is hot.   2) Making Sarah Palin dress like your mother is even hotter!   1) I've checked with my lawyers. If I win, I CAN give myself a presidential pardon.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

10) Repeat after me: "It's her word against MINE." 9) Always use a condom. No evidence, no case. 8) If you can't buy HER witnesses, buy your own. 7) Mmm... Sarah Palin. 6) I can do whatever I want, I'm rich. 5) Don't let her touch your hair. 4) I said, NOT THE HAIR! 3) These aren't the droids your looking for. Move along. 2) Try not to salivate so much when you kiss her. Take it from me, she won't like that. 1) When you take a DNA test, always take someone else's DNA.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

10) Personally, I've found women like to affectionately be called "Hey, you" or "What's your name again?". 9) Financially ruining her parents will make her think twice about leaving you, just as...   8) Ruining her reputation is sure to make her come crawling back.   7) I've never used Viagra. I don't even know what that is. 6) Don't pay your contract workers. It shows her you're just one of the guys. 5) In a gang-bang, always insist on going first. 4) First you pay her to OPEN her mouth, then you pay her to keep her mouth CLOSED. 3) When you're done having your filthy way with her, respectfully say, "You can let yourself out." 2) What if she doesn't want to leave? Tell me, what are you paying your security for? 1) Remember, bleach will get out those stubborn blood stains.     American Chimpanzee   JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

10) Grab them by the p*ssy. They like that. 9) "No" means yes. 8) Drop an "incentive" into their drink when they're not looking. What they don't know won't hurt them. 7) If they have small children, a veiled threat works wonders. 6) Pornography always gets them in the mood. 5) Interrupt them constantly. 4) Be sure to point out how abnormally large your fingers are, especially when they're not. 3) If she wants to go Downtown, tell her she has to go "downtown" first. 2) Don't skimp on your hidden recording equipment. 1) Need more advice? Talk to Bill Cosby.       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

Gucci Loafers in the Sand by Donald J. Trump   One night, I had a dream.      I dreamt I was walking along a very beautiful beach with the Lord. As we walked, scenes from my wonderful life flashed across the sky. I couldn't help but notice that for each scene there were  two sets of footprints in the sand.      One belonging to me and the other to God.      When the last scene flashed before my eyes, I looked back at the footprints. That's when I saw that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that this happened at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when I found out that it was wrong to date my daughter.      This really bothered me, so I decided to ask Him about it.      "God," I told Him, "I've had a pretty te...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   Well, it's official.      I'm banned from North Korea.      In a stunning move that shook the world, Kim Jong-un, North Korea's oval oppressor, has (I'm not kidding) outlawed sarcasm in his country. His main paranoia being that those who agree with or praise him are doing so ironically. "This is all America's fault," has now come to mean, "Nanny, nanny boo-boo."       "I am repealing the First Amendment to our constitution," he announced.      "That's the United States," Kim Jeng-a, his older brother, dared to correct him, and was then immediately riddled with bullets.      "An obvious suicide," Kim commented, stepping over him on his way to a doughnut.      In a way, I blame myself. Not many people know this, but Kim Jong-un and I went to the same prestigious school for dicta...

written for, but not published in, Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   As we make our way into the coming presidential election, I can't help but remember something unexplainable that happened to me on Halloween of 2008.      On that night, I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about my old wedding videos. It was something way scarier than that. Even scarier than the Kardashians without make-up.      It was close to midnight on All Hallows Eve. I was walking by myself in the Downtown section of the city I was born and raised in. Heading nowhere in particular,  I found myself by the old movie theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid. Years later, it became an adult theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether. Eventually, the theater...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   More than my close, personal friendship with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. More than my Pulitzer Prize, which makes for a dandy doorstop. More than my thirteen Olympic Gold Medals and one Nobel Peace Prize for love. More even than my Congressional Medals of Honor, which I quit accepting after my seventh, because I'm nothing if not humble.      More than all that is this , my column for Desert Exposure. I consider writing for the world's premiere magazine for arts and leisure in southern New Mexico the single greatest achievement in my life, and that is why I've decided to use this platform to make the following announcement:      I, Jim Duchene, am running for President of the United States of America.      I made this decision after much begging from unhappy Republicans and Democrats....