American Chimpanzee

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      What's up with grass-fed beef? It's SO expensive. Can it really make a difference to my health?      --Organic Wannabe   Dear Wannabe, Don't worry about it. I spoke with your doctor. You have two weeks to live. Next!   Dear John,      The other day, I started sobbing when my boss criticized me, something I've never done before, but my mother has been sick and I've only been getting three hours of sleep a night.      How do I do damage control?      --Crybaby   Dear Crybaby, I never met a boss who couldn't be swayed by a gratuitous offering of meaningless sex. Next!   Dear John,      My doctor interrupts me when I'm trying to describe my symptoms. Why doesn't he pay attention to me?      --Ignored   Dear...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      Sometimes I wake up from a sound sleep feeling as though I'm having an orgasm. Am I just imagining this?      --Not Complaining   Dear Complaining, It depends where your husband's head happens to be at the time. Next!   Dear John,      I'm hosting a New Year's Eve party and want to invite a male friend who is newly sober. Is this insensitive of me?      --Hostess With The Mostess   Dear Mostess, You're only insensitive if that person is a transsexual Muslim of color in this country illegally Next!     Dear John,      My parents are leaving more money in their will to my sister because she's had major financial struggles. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this?      --I Feel Like I'm Number Two   Dear #2, Your pare...

Susana Martinez, the governor of New Mexico, has announced that she tore her ACL in a recent skiing accident, and admits she shouldn't have been skiing and vetoing legislation at the same time.      "We're keeping a close eye on it," reports her doctor. "After all, this was how the zombie apocalypse got started."      Meanwhile, the New Mexico senate has determined that some of Governor Martinez's vetoes don't count.      "As everybody knows," a spokesman for the senate insisted, "a torn ACL automatically disqualifies a veto. Besides," the spokesman continued, "a veto is not a sentient being, and therefore cannot perform even the most basic forms of math, such as counting."      A recent poll reveals that a majority of the American people believe the United States Supreme Court is split along political lines.      "Let me assure the American public that THAT is completely untrue," Chief Justice John Robert...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      I'm 65-years-old, recently divorced, and dating again after 20 years. Since I can't get pregnant my boyfriend doesn't want to wear a condom...      ...but doesn't that put me at risk of an STD?      --Wondering   Dear Wondering, As close as you are to death, does it really matter? Next!   Dear John,      My husband and I have sex often, but he rarely kisses me passionately anymore, and I miss it. What happened?      --What Happened?   Dear What, You got old. Next!   Dear John,      Sometimes during yoga, I feel like I might orgasm. Am I a freak?      --Freaky-Deaky   Dear Deaky, Yes. Next! Confidential to Country Fan: I agree. The last thing a girl orally servicing Willie Nelson w...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!         Dear John,      My coworkers seem really cranky lately. Is it them, or am I just more thin-skinned?      --Curious   Dear Curious, I've seen your picture on Facebook. One thing you're not is thin-skinned. Next!   Dear John,      There are days when I just can't seem to focus. I'm 49 and my period has been wacky, so could it be PMS?      --Also Curious   Dear Also, I don't want to hear about your periods. Next!   Dear John,      I always wear makeup to the gym so I look presentable, but someone told me I'm ruining my skin that way. Tell me I don't have to show up barefaced.      --Curious Too   Dear Too, What difference does it make? You're ugly either way. Next!   Dear John,   ...

It was Goldman who called me last month with the news.     “It’s the Queen's Sapphire Jubilee,” he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was her official biographer and an old friend of mine.      I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen.      I guess I should begin at the beginning.      Once upon a time, at the start of World War Two, when Elizabeth was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite things to do were riding her horse and teasing me. She knew my name, but refused to call me by it, and nothing made her happier than bossing me around.     “Stable-boy, polish my horse's saddle."  ...