American Chimpanzee

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Whatever President Trump does, it will be WRONG!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! CNN's Wolf Blitzer reports Hurricane Harvey COPYCATTED Charlottesville!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Fake News IMMEDIATELY tries to tie it to President Trump's Russian Hacking Scandal!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Fake News wonders, "How can we blame THIS on President Trump?"   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Liberals still hate President Trump MORE!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Fake News can't blame President Trump, so they pile on Joel Osteen instead!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Will Scientologists help? ...

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Someone made Taylor Swift MAD!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Why was Floyd Mayweather wearing a mask?   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In!  What does Taylor Swift's new music video MEAN?   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Kim Kardashian takes photo shoot DRESSED like Jackie O!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Miley Cyrus gets a new TATTOO!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Justin Bieber UNFOLLOWS Floyd Mayweather!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane. Meanwhile... This Just In! The Hitman's Bodyguard STILL Number One at the Box Office!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! The Bachelor's Nick & fiancé Vanessa have ...

I didn't see the Solar Eclipse. It was too racist for me. The sun turns black, and all the white people watch it like it was gonna steal something.   This Just In! Trump Stares Down Sun During Solar Eclipse! Sun BLINKS!   Have you seen my eyesight? I lost it during yesterday's Solar Eclipse.   I just saw a documentary about how eating at McDonald's is bad for you. That settles it, no more documentaries for me.   So proud that Jerry Lewis, just before he died, called me his favorite writer.   Devastated by the death of Jerry Lewis, a rudder-less Jay Thomas follows him to the great beyond.     I'll miss my old friend Jerry Lewis. He died still owing me five bucks.   When I found out there was only one winner out of Massachusetts for the $700 million Powerball, I wrote all my relatives there & told them that I loved them.   Bill Cosby! Hires Michael Jackson's Lawyer! Thomas Meser...

Eclipse Superstitions: Hell will close its brimstone gates and the dead will walk the Earth. My ex will fit right in.   Eclipse Superstitions: Satan will return to claim the souls promised him in exchange for fame and fortune. So long, Justin Beiber & Miley Cyrus.   Eclipse Superstitions: OneDirection will reunite! Just long enough to announce they're not reuniting.   Eclipse Superstitions: The world will awaken and realize taking music that already exists and turning it into a rap song is NOT a talent.   Eclipse Superstitions: Will Britney Spears & Justin Beiber no longer lip sync and actually SING in concert? Ha! That would take real talent.   Eclipse Superstitions: At the apex of the Solar Eclipse, Scientologists worldwide will spontaneously combust. One can hope, can't one?   Eclipse Superstitions: Scientology leader Tom Cruise will break his ankle doing a movie stunt. What? It already happene...

This Just In!   El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! "El Paso is a poor county," they said. "We want to keep it that way."   El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! "The poorer you get," they explained, "the richer we look."   El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! "How can we waste your money, if we don't get our hands on it first?"     El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! "We'd like to assure every El Paso taxpayer," they said, "that we just don't care."   El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! Politicians go into office poor and leave rich. Now you know why.   Will El Paso County commissioners raise taxes 8%? "It depends on who gives us the most envelopes with something green stuffed inside," they say.   El Paso County commissioners may raise taxes 8%! "That's a lot of corn chips, amigo ,...

Kim Jong-un Facts: North Korea's Kim Jong-un is happy to be the George Constanza to China's Jerry Seinfeld.   President Trump and the Democratic Party sound like two drunks in a bar arguing over who's the biggest drunk.   North Korea vows "thousand-fold" revenge on U.S. over U.N. sanctions. "That's one fold for every pound I weigh," says the well-fed Kim Jong-un.   A Salt Lake City elementary school uses goats instead of gardeners. Why goats? "Because they smell better," explains a spokesman for the school district.   Tulsa, Oklahoma! THREE twisters hit state, declare forecasters! "We're never more accurate than when we're reporting on what just happened."   El Paso County commissioners raising taxes 8% while El Paso City Council approves $69 million in spending! Hmm... what is wrong with that picture?   Trump is "bereft of reason," says North Korea's Kim Jong-un, "...

Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon? Indiana!     This Just In! Aaron Carter! Comes Out As Bisexual! In Hollywood, that's the first thing you need to do before you admit you're a homosexual.   Paul McCartney! Writes Anti-Trump Song! "Sometimes I like to pretend I'm still relevant," says the former Beatle, dying his hair.   Former Beatle Paul McCartney! Writes Anti-Trump Song! "It's what John Lennon would have done," he explains, "except he'd write a  good one."   Former Beatle Paul McCartney! Reveals The Name Of His Latest Blockbuster Anti-Trump Song! "BACKED By The U.S.S.R.!"   Mariah Carey! Tells Lionel Ritchie "don't do American Idol! It was the worst experience of my life!" Which is what everybody who's ever met Mariah Carey has said about her .   Mariah Carey! Says American Idol was "fake, boring, and the worst experience of my life. In ...

Last words are important.     You only have one chance to get it right. Get it wrong, and you’ll spend eternity thinking of all the things you should have said, just like you do when you’ve lost an argument with your spouse.     I bring this up because now that I have my elderly father living with me, I look at him and see myself in the future. He’s 98-years-old, so that’s not necessarily a good thing.      Gone are the days when I used to think I would live forever. Now I know that no matter how much weight I lift, how many miles I hike, or how many promises to God I make, I’m still going to get old and die.     And not necessarily in that order.     Everybody knows the famous words of Patrick Henry, who declared, “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Now those would be impressive last words under any circumstance, but, when he died in the comfort of his own home, his actual ...