American Chimpanzee

I bought a bird feeder. Unfortunately, it turned into a cat feeder.   The Olympics is bad for my diet. Every time they show the Olympic symbol, I get an urge for onion rings.   Some people call Wednesday "Hump Day." I call it "Three More Days Of Work."   The Olympics is bad for my diet. I can't believe how hungry I get watching the finest athletes in the world compete. That's why I train all year long.   In El Paso, Texas: Kern Place and Cincinnati Entertainment District patrons will soon have to PAY for parking! "As your elected officials, we're always looking for ways to drive away customers," the City Council explains.   This Just In! President Trump Orders Regulations To BAN Devices Like Bump Stocks! What if we just ban the part of the gun that actually SHOOTS the bullets? "Now you're just being silly."   I like to live in the moment. As long as the moment contains chocolate chip pancakes.   Movie Rev...

To a dog, you're family. To a cat, you're a personal assistant.   This Just In! White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter RESIGNS After Ex-Wives Accuse Him Of Abuse! "Can you believe he actually wanted me to have sex?" accused Colbie Holdernot. "And cook?" added Jennifer Won't-oughby.   This Just In! Las Vegas-Based Wynn Resort's Steve Wynn RESIGNS Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations! "What's the point of being rich and powerful if you can't abuse your wealth and power?" asked the confused casino mogul.     This Just In! Kylie Jenner Names Her New Baby With Travis Scott "STORMI"! There are officially no more jokes to be made about the Kardashians now that they're making them themselves.   This Just In! North Korea's Kim Jong-Un's Sister Will Join Him In South Korea For The Olympics! "I love my sister, Kim Yo Jing," said the portly dictator. "THAT is why I've c...

For Valentine's Day, Christian decided to surprise me with a romantic trip to Italy.      I couldn't help but feel conflicted.      You see, my best friend Kate's marriage to Christian's brother was going through a bit of a rough patch due to the amount of traveling Elliot was having to do. Many was the night that Kate found herself alone in their mansion.      "I wish I were the kind of wife who always knew where her husband was," she once confided in me.      "And what kind of wife is that?" I asked her sympathetically.      "A widow."      But enough about Kate...      On our first night there, Christian spent the evening performing cunnilingus, and I'm not talking about an aria from an opera by Bizet.      The next afternoon, we found ourselves at an Italian restaurant.  ...

This Just In! A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck! Talk about irony.   This Just In! A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck! Why they were all not wearing pants has not yet been explained.   This Just In! A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck! "We never saw those prostitutes before in our lives," they sputtered, explainingly.   This Just In! Philadelphia Eagles WIN Super Bowl! New England Patriots LOSE! "See what happens when I can't deflate my footballs properly?" --Tom Brady   This Just In! My Prediction For The Super Bowl Came TRUE! Before the game, I predicted that if the Eagles won, Philadelphia fans would RIOT! I pred...

As a person of color, I can't help but see white Hollywood's shunning of Uppity , a documentary about the first black race car driver, to be an overt act of racism. #FortyAcresAndAMule   This Just In! Quincy Jones! HATES! Taylor Swift's Music! "But what do I know, I'm old."   This Just In! Quincy Jones! HATES! Taylor Swift's Music! "You know what else I hate? Progress!"   This Just In! Quincy Jones! HATES! Taylor Swift's Music! "You know what else I hate? Indoor plumbing! Why can't we use an outhouse, the way we used to?"   This Just In! Quincy Jones! HATES! Taylor Swift's Music! "You know what else I hate? Electricity! If reading by candlelight was good enough for me and my buddy Abe Lincoln, it should be good enough for YOU! I wonder what happened to Honest Abe."     This Just In! Quincy Jones! HATES! Taylor Swift's Music! "You know what ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   I don’t know what it is about newspapers, but they must think their readers have unlimited time and money to cook the recipes they feature in their pages.     Most of us, we have jobs. We don’t want to come home and spend hours fixing something that can easily be bought at Sam’s or Costco or the corner gas station. Not to mention the cleanup afterward. Also, if I fill my refrigerator with food, where am I going to keep my beer?     The recipes always seem to require a cornucopia of ingredients that you probably don’t have and will never use again. I don’t think Jesus multiplied the fishes into a number that high. It just seems to me that newspapers should acknowledge that we live in a different world now, and there’s no longer enough hours in the day for us to prepare these extravagant meals.     Recently, my local newspaper printed something by T...