To a dog, you're family.
To a cat, you're a personal assistant.
This Just In!
White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter RESIGNS After Ex-Wives Accuse Him Of Abuse!
"Can you believe he actually wanted me to have sex?" accused Colbie Holdernot.
"And cook?" added Jennifer Won't-oughby.
This Just In!
Las Vegas-Based Wynn Resort's Steve Wynn RESIGNS Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations!
"What's the point of being rich and powerful if you can't abuse your wealth and power?" asked the confused casino mogul.
This Just In!
Kylie Jenner Names Her New Baby With Travis Scott "STORMI"!
There are officially no more jokes to be made about the Kardashians now that they're making them themselves.
This Just In!
North Korea's Kim Jong-Un's Sister Will Join Him In South Korea For The Olympics!
"I love my sister, Kim Yo Jing," said the portly dictator. "THAT is why I've chosen her to be my personal food taster."
This Just In!
A Korean Intruder Was Forcibly EJECTED From the Olympics' Opening Ceremony!
Oh, well... maybe next time, Kim Jong-Un.
This Just In!
Houston Democrat Al Green Flies To Salvador To Visit The Recently Deported Jose Escobar To Spotlight The Plight Of Divided Families!
"And it only cost the American taxpayer 1.7 million dollars," the congressman bragged.
This Just In!
Houston Democrat Al Green Flies To Salvador To Visit The Recently Deported Jose Escobar To Spotlight The Plight Of Divided Families!
When given the choice to join him, his family unanimously declared, "HECK NO!"
This Just In!
Fifty Shades Freed!
NUMBER ONE At The Box Office!
Ladies...
...what are you doing with your lives?
My ex asked me if I knew a way she could improve her memory.
"Sober up," I suggested.
This Just In!
U.S. Senators Seek To CLOSE Haiti Orphanage Amid Abuse Claims!
"We figure they'd be better off in the streets," one senator reasoned.
This Just In!
U.S. Senators Seek To CLOSE Haiti Orphanage Amid Abuse Claims!
"We heard one of them said something nice about Trump," another explained.
HAPPY MARDI GRAS!
Today is FAT TUESDAY!
Or, as my ex likes to call it...
Tuesday.
Don't ever get the woman in your life clothes for Valentine's Day, but, if you do, buy them in a size zero.
She may hate the clothes, but she'll LOVE that you think she's a size zero.
This Just In!
Some Texas Schools STILL Face Busing Challenges After Hurricane Harvey!
"When did it become MY responsibility to get my kids to school," complains one typical parent.
February's a short month so Spring'll get here faster.
American Chimpanzee
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