American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    They say opposites attract, but in MY experience, it's been more of a collision.    Due To The Coronavirus Closure, The Shedd Aquarium In Chicago, Illinois Let Its Penguins Roam Free! "Great," the aquarium janitor groused. "Now guess who's gotta clean up all that penguin poop."    Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Calls Innocent Migrants Trying To Enter His Country "IRREGULAR"! In a continuing effort to be the most woke human on this planet EVER, he continues to be the most insulting.    It was the least I could do, and I always do the least I can do.    China Reports: NO NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES! "It's amazing how quickly the numbers improve," bragged Chinese President Xi Jinping, "when you quit testing people."    Harvey Weinstein Tests POSITIVE For The Coronavirus While In Prison! "Get in line," says syphilis and gonorrhea.    A pickup line in the age of Coronavir...

Fake News Reports!      Founder Bill Gates Is Stepping Down From Microsoft's Board Of Directors! "It's this Coronavirus thing," he explains. "It's got me nucking futs."    Jack Ma, A Billionaire In Communist China, Is Donating A MILLION Masks To The United States! "We have to get rid of our used ones some way," he said, explaining his generosity.    Visits always give pleasure. If not the arrival, then the departure.    When my buddy told his wife the restaurants were closing, she be like, "You mean I gotta COOK?"    Six Word Horror Story: The leprechaun had such sharp teeth.    Six Word Horror Story: Celebrated St. Patrick's Day at home.    Chuck Norris Facts Special Coronavirus Edition: Chuck Norris does not need to self-quarantine. There is no one in the world brave enough to get near him.    Chuck Norris Facts Special Coronavirus Edition: Chuck Norris ...

Fake News Reports!    The United States Hits The Taliban With The First Airstrike Since The Peace Deal! "You've got this backwards," a Taliban spokesman complained bitterly. "WE are the ones who break peace treaties."    United States Death Toll Rises To FOURTEEN With California's FIRST Coronavirus Fatality! The unlucky victim? Elizabeth Warren's presidential campaign.    A Federal Judge Slams Attorney General William Barr's Handling Of Special Prosecutor Mueller's Report As "Misleading"! "NEVER TRUMP!" he cried, as he ordered an independent non-biased review.    A Nazi Flag At A Bernie Sanders Rally Sparks Outrage And Concerns About Public Safety! "Okay, so I won't bring my flag anymore," a disappointed Bernie says, giving in.    Ronan Farrow Cuts Ties With The Hachette Book Group For Its Upcoming Publication Of Woody Allen's Memoirs! "Who's Ronan Farrow?" wonders Hachette Bo...

A Fake News Special Report!    Where Did The Coronavirus Come From? Scientists speculate that the dreaded Coronavirus Traveled BACK in time from the future and created ITSELF!    Where Did The Coronavirus Come From? Scientists have reason to believe that the dreaded Coronavirus was sent from the future to terminate a waitress named Sarah Connor.    Who Killed Jimmy Hoffa? "Maybe it was the Coronavirus," one analyst theorizes to a gaggle of scientists, all rubbing their chins and nodding in agreement.    DATELINE: Dallas 1963! Scientists have found photographic evidence that the time-traveling Coronavirus was a second shooter located on the grassy knoll in President Kennedy's assassination.    DATELINE: 1937! Scientists have not yet confirmed that the time-traveling Coronavirus was responsible for the disappearance of female pilot Amelia Earhart over the Pacific Ocean.    DATELIN...

Fake News Reports!    Presidential Wannabe Mayor Pete Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race, Admitting... "I never really had a chance, did I?"    Global Deaths Due To The Coronavirus Surpasses Three THOUSAND People! In a world of 8 billion, I can see why Wall Street is panicking.    Coronavirus Embarrassed After Finding Out How Many More People The Flu Has Killed Worldwide!    Democratic Presidential Wannabes Condemn President Trump For Not Being Prepared For When The Sun Explodes In 7.5 Billion Years!    The Number Of Migrants And Refugees Heading Toward Europe Could Climb Into The MILLIONS! "Is it too late to build a bridge to America?" Europe wants to know.    How Badly Did Presidential Wannabe Mike Bloomberg Do On Super Tuesday? I was 45 delegates away from beating him and I wasn't even running.    In The Aftermath Of A Disappointing Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders Delivers A C...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    This morning my wife greets me with a cup of coffee and a question.      "Guess what dad found?"      Let's see, what's the only thing my father's been looking for these days? What's the only thing my father's been blaming everybody but himself for misplacing? What's the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?      "The keys the baby stole?" I venture, taking a sip of my coffee.      Ouch, it's hot... but it keeps me from laughing out loud. I know the baby didn't take them. My wife knows the baby didn't take them. The only person who doesn't seem to know is my father. According to him, his 2-year-old great-grandson snatched his keys out of his hand, stole his car, and maxed out his credit cards playing blackjack in Vegas.      Of course, I'm joking.     ...

Fake News Reports!    Ole Miss Basketball Fans Went Nuts Over 86-Year-Old Mary Ann Wakefield Making A 94-Foot Putt And Winning A Brand-New Car! "Everybody is extremely happy for her," a spokesman said, "except for all the drivers who will be having to share the road with her."    The only thing worse than not being taken seriously is being taken seriously.    The Los Angeles Times Asks: "What Is It About Bernie Sanders That Young Voters Love?" The young voters answer: "FREE STUFF!"    Obama Is Calling On TV Stations To STOP Airing An Ad That Uses Audio Of The Former President That Sounds Like He's Denouncing Joe Biden For Selling Out Black People! "How DARE they use something that really happened to point out something that really exists," he said, as he deftly ignores his former vice-president's calls.    ABC Suspends The Peabody & Emmy Winning Reporter David Wright For Publicly Revealing His Personal...