American Chimpanzee

  The Nobis "Nos enim humus." All weather control testing in Texas has been terminated. The Nobis apologizes for any inconvenience it may have caused. People who are paranoid of German sausages believe the wurst is yet to come. I just called the paranoia hotline. "How did you get this number?" the operator asked. My doctor said I'm paranoid. I wonder who told him to say that? Effective Immediately: For the next four years, The Nobis forbids the use of the word "cages". Instead, we suggest the words "shelters" and/or "facilities" be used on its place. The Nobis suggests: If you want to truly understand the paranoid, try following them around. To: Tiger Woods From: The Nobis You were warned. The Nobis wants to make one thing perfectly clear to our friends at the Teachers Union: You'll go back when we SAY you'll go back. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... You can't tell me that's a coincidence. The Nobis does...

The Nobis "Nos enim humus." #TheNobis reminds you: Just because you're paranoid, that doesn't mean we're NOT keeping track of you. I used to think humans were worms in God's great cosmic plan. Then I remembered, in the end, it's the worms who win. #TheNobis believes there is a type of shared intelligence connection the human race. Fortunately, it's not high enough to pass a typical civil service exam. Rush Limbaugh discovered that the trouble with posterity is, by the time you have it, it's too late to rub it in anyone's face. #TheNobis reminds you that political is the conspiracy of the unproductive but organized against the productive but unorganized. Jim Duchene Fake News Chief Correspondent    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

    Fake News Reports! Even at my age I have no problem touching my toes. Getting back up is the problem. I feel so relaxed today. So at peace with myself. Content and carefree. I wonder what's wrong? CNN's Pro-Biden Anderson Cooper Compared The U.S. Capitol Protesters To The Bosnian & Rwandan Genocides. Disney+'s Pro-Trump Gina Carano Compared Today's Treatment Of Conservatives To That Of The Jews Before The Holocaust. Guess which one got fired. I'm not saying my ex is lazy, but she refuses to go to AA meetings because  she hears there are 12 steps. Meghan Markle Is Queen Victorious In Her Privacy Lawsuit Against UK's Associated Newspapers! "Now, if I can just get Harry to leave me alone." Amazon's Jeff Bezos Has Given Away $1.4 Billion Since 2000... ...and none of it to me. If you ask me, the two major things in life are sex and death. And it's the wrong one that lasts forever. These days, the one good thing about nightmares is they'r...

  Fake News Reports! John Krasinski Kisses Pete Davidson On Saturday Night Live! "Nothing a shot of penicillin won't cure," The Office's former cast mate says. The Moscow Times Reports That More Than 3,200 Protesters Have Been Arrested In Russia As People Continue To Protest In Moscow And Other Cities! "THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN!" they chanted in unison. The Moscow Times Reports That More Than 3,200 Protesters Have Been Arrested In Russia As People Continue To Protest In Moscow And Other Cities! "And THAT'S how you do that ," says a smug Vladimir Putin. The New York Times Reports That Vaccines Alone Will Not Stop The Coronavirus Pandemic!" "Not if WE can help it," they say. The Myanmar Military Has Seized Control In A Coup And Will Not Relinquish Power For At Least A Year! Somewhere, a wistful Trump is imagining what might have been. The Moscow Times Reports That More Than 3,200 Protesters Have Been Arrested In Russia As People Con...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie!    Dear John,      I recently reconnected with my old girlfriend from high school.      I moved out of state at the age of 30, and we lost touch. Turns out, she lives about 70 miles from me. Neither of us is married or had children.      Someone told me where she works, and I called her. She called back the following weekend, and we talked for hours. It was a good conversation, and it ended with her saying she would be in touch in the next few months. We had discussed getting together for lunch.      It has been almost 4 months, and I'm puzzled as to why I have not heard from her. Should I let it go or contact her once more? It bothers me that she doesn't want seem to want to get together and hasn't told me why.      Any suggestions?      --Left Hanging  ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com  My wife is sick.      Fortunately, it’s just the flu.      Sad to live in a time where having the flu is GOOD news.       Every year I inoculate myself against the various bugs and viruses that will save the Earth when space aliens come to conquer it. My wife, who I like to tease when she’s sick, makes sure I do.       "I've never had the flu in my life," I tried telling her once.      "What does that have to do with anything?" she said, ending the conversation.      True, I've never had the flu in my life, but maybe the shots I took had something to do with that. I've never had polio, either. Or whooping cough, or any number of childhood diseases, and I can thank my lucky stars or my parents who made sure I got my childhood vaccinations. I choose to thank my ...