American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports! With UFO sightings in the news, New Mexico Sen. Martin Heinrich says it’s time to turn in our tinfoil hats and get to the bottom of space aliens. “Do they exist or don’t they?” the senator demands, calling for answers. “BIGFOOT wants to know.” ********** Boxing Bear Brewing Company—in collaboration with Gallo Negro Tattoo—releases a new beer, opens a new taproom, and WINS the UFC championship! ********** Local pro fighters, New Mexicans Austin Trout and Ray Borg, land separate fights in the Middle East. “That’s how we like to fight,” they concurred. “Separately.” ********** New Mexico Begins It’s Transition To Green Energy! “Thanks to Doc Brown,” says Dan Arvizu, former director of the U.S. Dept. of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory, “who came out of nowhere with this cool cold-fusion powered DeLorean.” ********** The Santa Fe City Council Debates Returning To In-Person Meetings.  “We must follow the science.”  But the science says it’s okay. ...

 Fake News Reports! Al Gore! TRENDING! On TWITTER! What’s that guy whining about now? ********** I’ve just read that Bob Dylan turned 80-years-old today. Don’t be silly. Bob Dylan’s been 80 since the 60s. ********** The Toronto Star Reports On Canada’s Perspective One Year After The Death Of George Floyd! No one is interested in what you have to say, Canada. ********** The Telegraph Reports That Meghan Markle’s Husband, The Royal Formally Known As Prince Harry, Says The Royal Family... “...are a bunch of meanies.” ********** The World Health Organization Opens The 74th World Health Assembly! Will they verify once and for all that the Coronavirus originated in Wuhan, China? “Xi Jinping says no,” a WHO spokesman says. ********** Studies Show That The Moderna Coronavirus Vaccine Is 100% Effective In Adolescents Ages 12-17! Yeah... hmm. Effective in doing what? ********** When Asked, LeBron James Refused To Say Whether Or Not He’s Received Trump’s Miracle Vaccine! I’m sure the NBA supe...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine I recently got the Trump Vaccine, and I wonder what my superpower is going to be. I hope it’s invisibility, but without the turning insane part.      When I was first given my appointment to receive Trump’s Miracle Coronavirus Cure my plan was to make fun of the whole process, but, the truth is, it was very well run, leaving me no room for satire. I got in and out of there quickly, both the first time and the second. The fifteen minutes I was required to wait before leaving was uneventful. My arm didn’t hurt so bad. Fever and chills? That’s for lesser mortals like my brother. I bet he cried like a baby.      When news of the vaccine was first reported, my father wanted to know who made it, as if it mattered.      “Pfizer,” I said.      “The same company that makes Viagra?”      “Yes,” I told him, wondering how he knew ...

Fake News Reports!     The former mayor of Las Vegas, NM, Tonita Gurule-Giron, was found GUILTY of accepting kickbacks!    “What happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas!” her defense attorney argued to an uncaring jury.  ********** Santa Fe obelisk protesters reach agreement with DA!    District Attorney Mary Carmack-Altwies confirmed to #FakeNewsReports! that the court has agreed to explain to the eight defendants what “obelisk” means.  ********** #FakeNewsReports!    Feds, fire marshal investigate a Los Alamos County employee!    Fortunately, the 34-year-old Constantine Tzortzis was determined not to be on fire. ********** #FakeNewsReports!    The Santa Teresa Port of Entry gains hazmat capabilities!    “And next... THE WORLD!” the New Mexico border port cackles maniacally.  ********** #FakeNewsReports!    The New Mexico State Fair is now HIRING for seasonal jobs!    “Does it pay as much a...

Fake News Reports! CNN’s “Tonight With Don Lemon” Has Been CANCELLED!      “Hey everyone,” he assured his public, all twelve of them. “Not what you think. I’m not leaving CNN. I’m just gonna sit here and collect my paycheck.” ********** Rachel Maddow, on her MSNBC show, wonders who she is going to hate now that people are no longer required to wear masks. ********** Since Joe Biden became president, the ratings for CNN’s “Tonight With Don Lemon” fell so badly the show was CANCELED.      “I sure miss Trump,” the Don-ster laments. ********** You get a car! You Get A Car! YOU GET A CAR! ********** It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk Bones underwear. ********** The African Country Of Malawi Has Burned The Thousands Of Covid-19 Vaccine Doses Sent To Them For Humanitarian Purposes.      “Just send us the cash,” they explain. ********** The Richest Man In The World--Amazon’s Jeff Bezos--Has Just Bought Himself A Nifty Five Hundred Million...

  A medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems. However, they ARE more likely to develop size 52 pants. ********** There was a child psychologist who wrote a book called “Ten Rules For Raising Children.” When she had kids of her own, she wrote a book called “Ten Suggestions For Raising Children.” And when her kids became teenagers she quit writing books. ********** The Los Angeles Times reports that last March the California National Guard feared an F-15C fighter jet would be illegally used to frighten protesters! “Yeah, we’re afraid of a lot of imaginary things that never happen.” ********** I love the Oscars. Way to pat yourselves on the back, guys. ********** Three things that were wrong with the Oscars: 1) The beginning, 2) The ending, 3) And everything in the middle. ********** ET Canada reports that the Oscar producers had “a very good reason” for not letting Sir Anthony Hopkins give his Best Actor acceptance speech v...

  THIS JUST IN:   The Senate has passed the Coronavirus Hate Crimes bill.   I understand the need for such a bill, but where are they going to get handcuffs that tiny? ********** Stanford Medicine released a statement yesterday strongly supporting the use of face masks to control the spread of COVID-19. Better late than never, Stanford... I guess. ********** Political Insider reports that government staffers are burnt out, traumatized, and heading for the door after a trying, trying year. “I guess I was wrong,” says a disappointed Charles Darwin, spinning in his grave. ********** Bloomberg Quicktake asks the question: The rich are getting richer, but are they getting happier? “You bet we are!” they all confirm in unison. ********** The Financial Times wonders why the Russians are abandoning the International Space Station. “You’ll find out when that garbage scow comes crashing to the earth!”  ********** Governor Gavin Newsom has declared a drought emergency in his s...

  The verdict is in: Derek Chauvin promoted to CAPTAIN! ********** Whoever forced Demi Lovato into that fro-yo shop at gunpoint has some explaining to do. ********** Stacey Abrams! NOMINATED For The Nobel Peace Prize! And if you think I’m going to satirize THAT, you’re crazy. ********** Bloomberg Quicktake tells us why India’s Coronavirus surge should worry us: “BECAUSE THEY’RE A FRIGGIN’ 1/5TH OF THE WORLD’S POPULATION!” ********** Defying pressure from the only point of view allowed on fake news media, Israel drops their public mask mandate and opens their public schools. “Why won’t they listen to me?” laments a lonely Dr. Fauci, finding himself on the bullet train to irrelevancy. ********** Axios gives us the scoop that the former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is seriously considering running for president in 2024. I’m glad HE’S taking it seriously, because the rest of the world sure isn’t. ********** Reuters reports South Korean students are SHAVING THEIR HEADS to protest ...

  Medical experts agree that COVID-19 vaccinations help reduce the transmission of the dreaded Coronavirus. “You mean like every other vaccination that’s ever existed?” Yeah, like that. ********** When The Rock left the WWE for Hollywood, he left his tag-team partners behind. The Paper and The Scissors never wrestled again. ********** I’ve seen the Bill Gates documentary... Something tells me he’ll be happier being divorced. ********** The results of the 2020 census shows an unacceptable number of white guys. Hmm... something’s gotta be done about that. ********** Beleaguered Governor Gavin Newsom Considers Doling Out California’s $38 Billion Surplus As Stimulus Checks To Californians... “...and I’ll get right on it after my recall vote.” ********** Funny how the people who voted for the man who said he would stop the Keystone XL Pipeline and reduce our oil and gas production are surprised by the gas shortage. ********** Former President Jimmy Carter Relieved He’s No Longer The Wor...

Hollywood: Two thousand people running to where lightning just struck. ********** I don’t play the lottery. Give me a million dollars and I’ll have a million dollars worth of problems. ********** The dryer isn’t shrinking all my clothes. The refrigerator is. ********** When one door closes, another one opens, but it’s the hallways that’ll get’cha. ********** Booze never broke my heart. ********** I didn’t marry for money, but I’ll divorce for it. ********** This pandemic has lasted so long, I even miss the people I hate. ********** I wish I had saved my stimulus check so I could buy a tank of gas. American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene