American Chimpanzee

   Fake News Reports! Nancy Pelosi Rejects Republicans Jim Banks & Jim Jordan Serving On The January 6th Select Committee “What do you think this is? A fair hearing?” ********** THIS JUST IN: China Just Scored The First Gold Medal Of The Summer Olympics In Tokyo! I’m happy for the athlete.  As a reward, her family gets a ten minute break at the Nike factory. ********** I’m not saying my ex has let herself go, but the last time she stepped out she got a Cease & Desist from Google Earth. ********** “Second place at the Olympics gets you the silver. Second place in politics gets you the presidency.” —President Trump ********** Olympic Swimmer Araiarne Titmus Beats Katie Ledecky In The 400-Meter Freestyle, Winning Australia A Gold Medal! Her coach, Dean Boxall, was so excited he had it bronzed. ********** The Olympics inspires some people to get out there and get active. All it inspires in me is to sit on the couch and watch TV. ********** I was excited when I got my tick...

   Fake News Reports! My parents were always proud of me. And I could never figure out why. ********** When we were married my ex-wife wanted to have children. “What you do in your free time is fine by me,” I told her. ********** My parents told me I don’t call them often enough. “But I visit you every day,” I answered. Turns out, they’d prefer a phone call. ********** Tom Brady Visits Joe Biden At The White House! “It takes a special man,” the president told press, “to marry a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold like their mother. The youngest one in curls.” ********** THIS JUST IN:    Japan CANCELS The Olympics! ********** THIS JUST IN:    Joe Biden FIRES Dr. Fauci! ********** Senator Rand Paul In ANOTHER Massive Blowout With Dr. Anthony Fauci, Who Was Testifying Before Congress! “Can’t I speak with someone from CNN?” pleaded the trembling Dr. Fauci ********** Albuquerque, NM Was Nearly Scammed Out Of 1.9 MILL...

  Fake News Reports! It’s the weekend. I think I’ll take off my ego, put on my bathing suit, and go to the pool. ********** When Texas Democrats Escaped To Washington DC On Monday They Took Along Their Integrity And A Case Of Miller Light! Man, I guess graft doesn’t pay what it used to. ********** A White Penn State Professor Singles Out White Student & Ridicules Him In Front Of His Fellow College Students For Being White And Benefiting From His Whiteness!    Will this professor quit so a black professor can take his place? “Heck no,” he wokes. ********** Arizona Governor Doug Ducey Uses Federal Cash To Boost Unemployment Fund! “Why doesn’t anyone want to go back to work,” the governor lamented as he signed the order. ********** New Mexico Regulators Investigate San Juan Generating Station’s Cooling Tower Collapse! “Yep, it’s collapsed,” they confirm. ********** New Mexico Paid $1.5 MILLION To Advertise The State During Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Space Flig...

  Fake News Reports! I don’t worry about wrinkles.    They cover my age spots. ********** KRQE-TV’s Larry Barker, Known For His Confrontational Style, Apologizes To The New Mexican Governor’s Press Secretary For His Rude Behavior! “I’m sorry,” he said, feigning regret. “For a minute there, I thought you were Trump.” ********** The Santa Fe County Ranch Owned By The Very Dead Sex Offender Jeffrey Epstein Is Now On Sale For $27.5 Million! “It would have listed for more,” a spokesman said, “but we couldn’t get rid of the smell.” ********** My wife is right, I AM unsociable. I didn’t realize it until she pointed out to me that when this pandemic happened my life didn’t change at all. ********** SILVER ALERT! Please be on the lookout for Joe Biden, who left Washington this morning to meet with Mayor Lori Lightfoot in Chicago but ended up FIFTY miles away in Crystal Lake. ********** When I heard they were meeting at Crystal Lake, I thought it was to film a sequel to Friday The ...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine Every Saturday I go to Las Fuentes restaurant and buy my father the family pack of red cheese enchiladas, with sides of rice and beans. My father is one enchilada-eating kind of guy. If I’m lucky, my granddaughter will join me.     Early last month, however, they had a sign on their window. It said: “Closed today.” That today has lasted over a month. They tried to hang in there, but I’m guessing the virus that no one is allowed to speculate where it came from has claimed another casualty.      Fortunately, there’s no shortage of Mexican restaurants where I live—God bless the southwest—so I went to a different restaurant, Gabriel’s. We threw my youngest daughter her first birthday party there. That was eighteen years ago, so I’m guessing your invitation should show up any day now.      “It doesn’t taste the same,” my father was quick to point out. “Are you getting them from...

  Fake News Reports! After Four Trying Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Cuckoo Cackle-Fest The View! “I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but it takes them FOUR hours to watch 60 Minutes.” ********** After Four Long Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Nasty Nag-Fest The View! “I’m not saying Whoopi Goldberg is stupid,” she explained, “but she thinks a quarterback’s a refund. ********** After Four Difficult Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Poopy Pooper-Fest The View! “I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but they got fired from their job at the M & M factory for throwing out all the W’s.” ********** After Four Vacuous Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Vicious Vomit-Fest The View! “I’m not saying Joy Behar is stupid,” she explained, “but they had to burn down the school to get her out of second grade.” ********** After Four Draining Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Frumpy Flatulence-Fest The View! “I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” sh...