American Chimpanzee

Sagittarius:  Things will get better after the amputation. Pisces:  No one will ever love you. Aquarius:  You're going to die alone. Taurus:  Everything you like will give you cancer. Virgo:  Your mother-in-law is going to live forever. Aries:  You'll never be happy. Gemini:  That scratching sound you hear outside your bedroom window… it could be a tree branch. Libra:  It’s only going to get worse. Cancer:  Guess who's expiration date is about to expire? Capricorn:  I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you. Scorpio:  Nobody lives forever. Especially you. Leo:  Remember how you said you would rather die than see President Trump win a second term in office? Well... Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “Howdy, stranger. We’ve been expecting you.” ********* Eat it, before it eats YOU! ********* “Your account shows some unusual activity.” ********* Woke up with my kidney missing. ********* It’s Halloween... and I’m sooo hungry. ********* Trick or treating?    So am I. ********* Halloween…    …look at all those treats. ********* Trick-or-treaters… …so darn tasty. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  His insides… were on… his outsides. ********* Something dripped on her face… blood? ********* She lay motionless. I already knew... ********* “Heard you were dead.”    “I am.” ********* “..3, 4, better lock the door…” ********* You should have locked the door. ********* They’re right in front of you. ********* Cupid’s arrow had a poison tip. ********* The setting sun never rose again. ********* Turns out, it wasn’t a nightmare. ********* James Corden’s coming to your restaurant. ********* A Tremors-inspired Six Word Horror Story:      Giant worms. Digging holes. Eating people. ********* Grinning, the clown closed the door. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “This meat tastes funny. Where’s grandma?” ********* The real monsters live next door. ********* I have my father’s eyes. Delicious. ********* Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful. ********* Why do these dates have legs? ********* The zombies started with my eyes. ********* His head hurt... and then exploded. ********* And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. ********* “I’m dead? Sweet Jesus!” “Guess again.” ********* Special Russian Invasion Edition:    “I just got my draft notice.” ********* Finally, he could pass for human. ********* “Is that a gun?”    BANG!    “Yes.” ********* “Why is the back door open?” ********* “But mommy SAID she’d be back!” ********* For Sale. Chainsaw. Only Used Once. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  Your Horrorscope! Sagittarius:  I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you. Pisces:  Your mother never loved you. Aquarius:  You'll never be good enough. Taurus:  Is that a clown hiding in your closet? Virgo:  Crazy people don't care about restraining orders. Aries:  I'm not saying it's a tumor, but... Gemini:  There's no point in buying those green bananas. Libra:  Everybody dies. Some sooner than others. Like you, for example. Cancer:  You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony. Capricorn:  Is your health insurance paid up? Just asking. Scorpio:  How long have you had that mole? Leo:  Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days. Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

“Yay! The weekend!”    *blink*     “Aieee! Monday!” ********* “Are your parents home? No? Good.” ********* Sadly, Baby New Year was stillborn. ********* Trump wins 2024 by a LANDSLIDE! ********* Love was the end of happiness. ********* “Is that a gun he’s carrying?” ********* Turns out, it WAS a gun. ********* “Look out! He’s got a gun!” ********* Take my word for it… RUN! ********* Who knew runaways were so tasty? ********* The Secret Service reads your tweets. ********* I want to marry your daughter. ********* “You’re lost? Gee, that’s too bad.” ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist  

  The leprechaun had such sharp teeth. ********* Santa descended the chimney…    …in pieces. ********* For sale. Baby shoes. Don’t ask. ********* The babysitter’s red lips dripped blood. ********* Gas. Inflation. Willie Nelson. All high. ********* “Hi, I’m Pennywise. What’s for dinner?” ********* “Don’t worry, I’m a FRIENDLY clown.” ********* Should’ve known werewolves couldn’t be housebroken. ********* “I’m Ted Bundy. What’s your name?” ********* Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex. ********* “Honey, mother’s moving in with us.” ********* My mother-in-law is never leaving. ********* Murder was definitely cheaper than divorce. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories

John Lennon to Paul, George, & Ringo: “Me and Yoko got married, mates.” ********* It’s April Fools!  Yep, you qualify. ********* No pizza and beer in Hell. ********* I stole her heart.   Quite literally. ********* The green beer gave me cancer. ********* Bloodstains are so hard to hide. ********* “We should break up.” “I’m pregnant.” ********* The starving dogs began to feast.  ********* Holy crap... Donald Trump was RIGHT! ********* Is that a lump I feel? ********* The morgue’s dead began to rise. ********* “Clown For Hire”   —John Wayne Gacy ********* ...content censored by the Chinese government...  ********* Jim Duchene Fake News Chief Correspondent read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com

  Smiling, the clown locked the door.  ********* A thousand followers—POOF!—gone overnight. ********* So lost. Who’s that behind me?  ********* Dead lips curl into a smile. ********* And the groundhog predicted: No Survivors! ********* Dead lips curl into a smile. ********* "Do not be afraid,” they lied. ********* For Sale. Fresh Meat. No Questions. ********* “This is not your Captain speaking.” ********* Party’s over.    Why won’t they leave? ********* That fetus you aborted... …it survived. ********* “Yes, Virginia, there IS a Pennywise.” ********* Jim Duchene Fake News Chief Correspondent read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Getting Old Is Not For Wimps (Part Two) “it’s not the bending over… it’s the getting back up” When my father thought his radio was broken ( October 2022) , and all it turned out to be was he had the volume control knob turned down, it made me laugh... but it made me sad, too.       There was a time when my father could do anything he set his mind to. At twelve he’d fix his uncle's car in exchange for the opportunity to take it for a spin. I’d bet, even at that age, he tried enticing the fairer sex with a ride in his borrowed jalopy.      When he was stationed in the Philippines during World War Two, he built a washing machine for his platoon. He used a metal barrel, a jeep, and his own personal smarts. I don't know if washing machines had even been invented then, but HE had one. I have a picture of it. He's posing next to it with a big smile on his...

   Fake News Reports! Live every day like it’s your last.    One day you’ll be right. ********* In A POPSUGAR UK Exclusive Quote, Madonna Reveals She’s “Gagging To Work With Britney (Spears) Again”!    GAGGING?    Is it just me, or is Madonna just making shit up? ********* In Its Successful DART Mission, NASA Successfully Crashed A Spacecraft Into An Asteroid And Changed It’s Course!   In a related story, the asteroid Dimorphos has been knocked off its course and, in an extinction level event, is heading STRAIGHT FOR THE EARTH! ********* Losing weight is a two-step process:    First you eat less and exercise more, then you eat even less and exercise even more. ********* At least nine people dead and 32 injured after Iran launches drone strike against Kurdish group in Iraq!    “Was that wrong?” Iran’s Ayatollah Uvrokanrolla asked. “Because we wouldn’t have done that if we knew that was wrong.” ********* Things That Make Me Go H...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Getting Old Sure Stinks (Part One) “sharing is caring, unless they’re problems” I’ve reached the age where I've gone from “old enough to know better” to “too old to care.”      Fortunately for me, my wife cares, so she makes sure I go to my various doctor appointments where I get poked, prodded, and lectured. Unfortunately for her, I’m like my mother, who didn’t care to go to the doctor or take medication, and yet somehow lived to a ripe old age.      When I explained this aversion to my buddy Maloney, he reminded me of a friend of ours who recently died from prostate cancer. Like my mother, our friend also didn’t like going to the doctor. By the time he went, his cancer was Stage 4 and already spreading to his other organs.      “If they caught it earlier,” Maloney told me, “he’d be alive today.”      "See...