On Vacation

  

By the time you read this I'll be retired.

     My older brother, who I sometimes write this column with, retired years ago because he’s, well, older.

     I knew it was time for me to retire because everything at work began to irritate me. Heck, these days I get irritated when they rearrange the aisles in a grocery store. 

     To celebrate this milestone, my wife and I are traveling to Mexico for a second honeymoon. I love Mexican food, so I’m really looking forward to it. You never realize how little self-control you have until chips and salsa are placed in front of you. I’ve tried cooking Mexican food myself, but it just isn’t the same. Speaking of cooking, have you noticed how everybody has their favorite stove top burner? We don’t talk about it, but it’s true.

     Anyway, my point is I’ll be off and not posting anything for two weeks. When I used to read Dave Barry and Gene Weingarten (who are also available on Substack and still funny), I always wondered why the newspapers reprinted old columns of theirs when they went on vacation. I had already read those columns. I wanted something new. And improved. With MFP. 

     “They only publish once a week,” I wondered. “Why can’t they throw us a literary bone and write some spare columns for those times they’re off enjoying their lives?” 

     Well, as it turns out, it's the law.