More Pit Bull Facts

I can't tell you how happy I was that people got the joke.

     Even PETA, who's not known for its sense of humor, reached out a friendly hand via lawsuit, the only known way they communicate, to express their appreciation concerning my effort to satirize animal stereotypes.

     I rescued my pit bull from the local pound. He had been found abandoned in the desert. Thirsty. Hungry. Scared. Wearing a collar way too tight for him. No chip. Scars here and there.

     "Who's going to adopt this poor guy? I wondered.

     PT Barnum was famously quoted as saying, "There's a sucker born every minute," and, by adopting him, I proved I was born at the one minute mark.

     Now, I can either shake my fist at the sky about how pit bulls are misunderstood or I could write something showing how ridiculous those misunderstandings are.

     With Pit Bull Facts (8-8-25), I chose the later.

     Oh, sure, there were a few who didn't get the joke. They didn't understand that I was showing just how ridiculous it was to judge one particular breed of dog rather than the owners who have raised them badly, but, mainly, the responses were positive.

     @kankaym said “You are… humorous in this post.”

     @mushele agreed. “You need more commas and more ridiculous words,” he recommended.

     Who am I to disagree?

     And you'll notice an abundance of commas this time around.

     As for ridiculous words, I've always found "perpendicular" to be especially amusing.

     But what really surprised me were the number of people who sent me their own pit bull facts. So many that, even though I intended Pit Bull Facts to be a one-shot, I’m including them here in a new column.

     Like PETA, I believe I’ll also reach out to those people to show my appreciation for their humorous theft of my intellectual property…

     With a lawsuit.

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In the beginning, God created Pit Bulls.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. But owning a Pit Bull means always having to say you're sorry.

When Scarface said, "Say hello to my little friend," he was talking about his Pit Bull.

Clint Eastwood was The Man With No Name. Fortunately, he never ran across a Pit Bull, because then he'd be The Man With No Gonads.

According to Quantum Physics, it is possible for one thing to exist in two places, but only if that one thing is a Pit Bull.

Schroeder's Cat can be both alive and dead in a box. If it's dead, you know there was a Pit Bull involved.

There are no alternate realities. Pit Bulls have destroyed them all.

A Pit Bull has teeth, and those teeth have teeth that have teeth. Do they have any more teeth than that? No, that would be ridiculous.

Occum's Razor only nibbles at the truth, whereas Occum's Pit Bull has bite.

According to String Theory, reality breaks off into alternate realities. What's at that break off point? Pit Bulls.

Pit Bulls eat caps and poop bullets.

Pit Bulls eat cap guns and poop shotguns.

That sexy girl you're talking with on the internet? Yep, a Pit Bull.

A Pit Bull invented war as a way to set up an endless supply of food.

When you're walking with your wife and a Pit Bull looks at you, he's not looking at you. He's calculating how long it would take to seduce your wife.

When a Pit Bull looks at you, he's trying to determine how fast you can run.

When a Pit Bull looks at you, he's trying to decide if you're worth the effort.

When a Pit Bull looks at you, he's wondering how much of a fight you'll put up.

When a Pit Bull looks at you, he's wondering if you'd taste better with or without seasoning.

Oppenheimer used a Pit Bull's tooth to split the atom. It was the only thing hard enough.

The only thing harder than a Pit Bull's tooth is another Pit Bull's tooth.

A Pit Bull has 51 different ways to kill you. Of those 51 ways, it only needs one.

When a Pit Bull's not busy devouring your flesh, it's busy devouring your soul.

Will there be peace in the Middle East? Only when a Pit Bull wants it.