Still More Pit Bull Facts
Despite the number of readers who have suggested I change the name and content of this column to Pit Bull Facts, I’ve decided to disappoint them and make this the final column on the subject, and not just because Chuck Norris convinced me with a few roundhouse kicks to the head that it would be in my best interest, so, like PETA in their lawsuit to me, I would ask that you cease and desist sending me these fully bogus, yet utterly humorous, pit bull factoids, while, at the same time, marveling at my ability to write this extremely long sentence.
Pit bulls everywhere will be disappointed to lose their fifteen minutes in the sun, but let me placate them with the following joke:
"Jesus is watching you," the voice says.
He looks around but doesn't see anything, so he continues searching.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice says again.
The burglar turns his flashlight in the direction of the sound and sees a parrot.
"Jesus is watching you," the parrot warns.
"Who are you?" the burglar says.
"I'm Moses," the parrot answers.
The burglar laughs.
"Now, what kind of stupid people would name their parrot Moses?"
It was the parrot's turn to laugh.
"The same stupid people who named their pit bull Jesus!" it said.
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The sun isn't a star. It's an angry Pit Bull hopped up on Red Bull.
You measure a car's speed in horsepower. You measure the speed of light in Pit Bulls.
The amount of energy the sun generates does not match the energy generated in one pissed off Pit Bull.
The sun is exactly the right size to comfortably heat the Earth. A similarly sized Pit Bull would burn our planet to a crispy critter.
The economy isn't doing so well only because it doesn't want to improve to the point where a Pit Bull would take notice of it.
The Office of the President didn't have Secret Service agents at first. It had Pit Bulls. They had to be replaced, however, when they killed too many people "just because."
A Pit Bull can cure cancer. Unfortunately, a side effect to that cure is death.
If you have a business, you didn't build it. A Pit Bull did.
Where are all the jobs politicians have promised us? Unfortunately, a Pit Bull buried them in the backyard with its bones.
Don't like the way your taxes keep going up? Talk to a Pit Bull.
Pit Bulls can swallow a lump of coal and poop out a diamond.
A Pit Bull's turd is harder than the hardest diamond.
Not only does a Pit Bull's teeth have teeth, but those teeth have teeth, and they are the most dangerous teeth of all.
One thing we can be grateful to Pit Bulls for is they are the reason there are no sharks on dry land.
Moses needed God to help him part the Red Sea. A Pit Bull can accomplish the same feat with the force of one bark.
Jesus died and rose from the grave in three days. A Pit Bull can do it in one.
Einstein theorized that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. Obviously, Einstein never owned a Pit Bull.
There used to be a Santa Claus. Unfortunately, he came down the chimney of a family that owned a Pit Bull.
Doctors believe Alzheimer's is caused by miniature Pit Bulls eating your brain.
Like zombies, they say the only way to kill a Pit Bull is to shoot it in the head. Sorry, but that will only make it madder.
Zombies don't eat Pit Bulls. Common courtesy.
Pit Bulls don't eat zombies. They figure a zombie has already been through enough.
You might think a Pit Bull would be the Devil's favorite pet. You'd be wrong. The Devil is a Pit Bull's favorite pet.
Satan doesn't allow Pit Bulls in Hell. They're just too mean.
Satan does not allow Pit Bulls in Hell. They're just not worth the risk.
The last time there was a Pit Bull in Hell it took over.
By the time you notice a Pit Bull behind you... it's too late.
By the time you notice a Pit Bull behind you... you're already dead.
They say a dog's bark is worse than its bite. I don't know who "they" are, but I'd like to introduce them to my Pit Bull.
Can Pit Bulls read? Yes, but only their name when it's tattooed on their girlfriend's neck.
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