American Chimpanzee

Despite the number of readers who have suggested I change the name and content of this column to Pit Bull Facts , I’ve decided to disappoint them and make this the final colum n  on the subject , and not just because Chuck Norris convinced me  with a few roundhouse kicks to the head that  it would be in my best interes t , so, like PETA  in their lawsuit to me , I would ask that you cease and desist sending me these fully bogus, yet utterly humorous, pit bull factoids , while, at the same time, marveling at my ability to write this extremely long sentence .        P it bulls everywhere  will be disappointed to lose  t heir  fifteen minutes in the sun, but  let me placate them with the following joke:       A  b urglar  br e aks  into a house. While   searching  f or something valuable  he hear s  a voice in the darkness .        "Jesus is watching you , " ...

And even MORE pit bull facts have come in, hence this third column.       It was interesting to see the direction some of them took, delving into physics. And time & space. Even history.       These are my favorite kinds of columns.      The ones that write themselves. There were no Pit Bulls prior to the 1941 Roswell, New Mexico UFO crash.  When you lose a sock doing laundry, you didn't lose it. A Pit Bull hid it from you.  Under no circumstances should you ever give a Pit Bull your password or P.I.N. number.  When you can't find your car keys, it's because a Pit Bull's just messing with you.  When you're sleeping, a Pit Bull is taking your car for a joyride.  Who was on the grassy knoll when President Kennedy was shot? A Pit Bull.  To win World War Two we didn't drop atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. We dropped Pit Bulls.  The first dog we sent into space was a Pit Bull... and he d...

My buddy Maloney retired a couple of years before I did. We lost touch those two years, but reacquainted our friendship when his father died. At the funeral, I told him he should take the flower bouquet from the top of his father's casket and throw it into the mostly older audience like a bride at her wedding to see who's next. My wife was quick to remind me that I'm not as funny as I think I am. Having an aggressive form of Stage Four cancer, his father knew he was not long for this world, so I asked my buddy if his father-who had been a General in the Army and used to handing out grand proclamations-if he had any last words. Maloney laughed. "He said, 'If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.'" I laughed, too. Who knew his father was a Laurel & Hardy fan? Yes, he certainly knew how to put the "fun" in funeral. Looking around, I couldn't help but notice Maloney's monster-in-law wasn't there. You know all...

I can't tell you how happy I was that people got the joke.      Even PETA, who's not known for its sense of humor, reached out a friendly hand via lawsuit, the only known way they communicate, to express their appreciation concerning my effort to satirize animal stereotypes.      I rescued my pit bull from the local pound. He had been found abandoned in the desert. Thirsty. Hungry. Scared. Wearing a collar way too tight for him. No chip. Scars here and there.      "Who's going to adopt this poor guy? I wondered.      PT Barnum was famously quoted as saying, "There's a sucker born every minute," and, by adopting him, I proved I was born at the one minute mark.      Now, I can either shake my fist at the sky about how pit bulls are misunderstood or I could write something showing how ridiculous those misunderstandings are.      With  Pit Bull Facts  (8-8-25), I chose the later.   ...

  My father likes going to the doctor.       He sees it as a social outing.       He likes to flirt with the receptionist who checks us in, the nurse who takes his vitals, and the nurse practitioner who sees him when the doctor is unavailable.       He'll make a joke to the receptionist...      "I should bring my dog here," he'll say.      "Really?" the poor girl will answer. "Why?"      "Because he's a Dalmatian and he keeps seeing spots!"      ...and if it gets a laugh, he'll repeat it to the nurse, the nurse practitioner, and anybody else who makes the mistake of making eye contact.      But usually when he's funny it's unintentional.       "...he keeps seeing spots! "       "That's funny," the doctor said without laughing, having perhaps heard them all before. "Now, what seems to be the problem?"   ...

Pit Bulls can learn up to 43 different commands... but the only one they'll respond to is "KILL!" A Pit Bulls' bark is very expressive, but they'd rather let their teeth do the talking. Pit Bulls don't have owners. They have future victims. You're alive only because a Pit Bull hasn't decided to kill you yet. When a woman is pregnant, a Pit Bull doesn't see the unborn baby as a future member of the family. It sees the child as competition. Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco because a Pit Bull ripped it out of his chest and he was afraid to ask for it back. Freddy Krueger can attack you through your dreams, but you know what attacks Freddy Krueger through  his  dreams? That's right, a Pit Bull. That’s not the world Atlas holds on his shoulders. It’s a ball. The ball he and his Pit Bull play catch with.  Pit Bulls have over 97 different synonyms for the word "kill," but only one word for humans: Dead. A Pit Bull's idea of i...

When on vacation, sometimes the best entertainment comes from eating at a restaurant.       You have people from all over the country, perhaps the world, sitting in one room eavesdropping on the conversations going on at the tables next to them. Some of those people even managing to scarf down a forkful of food in the process.        When I was in line to order my vegetarian meatballs at IKEA, (see 7-7-2025's  IKEA Is Not For MEA ) the lady in front of me ordered the soup du jour . The very nice cafeteria worker served her a bowl and handed it to her with a friendly, "Here you go, ma'am."       Taking one look at the contents, the lady complained, "Excuse me, sir, but I've had soup du jour  before and this certainly isn't it!"       When it was my turn I asked for extra mashed potatoes.       "They're as mashed as mashed can be," the server told me.     ...