American Chimpanzee

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies, but, I’ll admit, when I was a kid still in single digits, the grumpy apple trees and flying monkeys used to really creep me out.      What actually out-and-out scared me was the scene where Dorothy was trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle, crying to the image of her Auntie Em in the crystal ball, a nd then the image of her aunt changes into the Wicked Witch!  Who looks directly into the camera and cackles her hideous cackle.      It felt like she was looking right at me.    They were having a special showing of The Wizard of Oz at the Cinemark movie theater on the 27th, 29th, and 30th of this past January. It was sponsored by Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies (TCM). A funny thing that happened when I took my 4-year-old granddaughter to the matinee showing of it on Sunday the 27th. We got there early, bought our tickets, and stood in line to get our snacks. There was a single...

"I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. Really, really, really sorry. You don't know how sorry I am. How sorry am I? I am SO sorry. So, so, so, SO sorry. I couldn't be more sorry. I'm just so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to express how sorry I am. It's not possible for me to be any sorrier. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, I am on the tenth level of sorriness. If I were one of Spinal Tap's amps, I would be set at eleven, because eleven is one more than ten. You couldn't find anyone sorrier than I am right now. Because I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 'Knock, knock!' Who's there? 'Justin.' Justin who? 'Justin case I haven't made my point, I'm sorry.' Completely sorry. Absolutely sorry. An infinity of sorry. Infinity plus infinity times infinity. If you look up the word sorry in the dictionary, you won't find a picture of me, but you'll see a picture o...

What's this antagonistic obsession Donald Trump has with John McCain?      The New York businessman, reality show star, and greatest president in my lifetime has gone off on  another  Twitter rant about John McCain, while the rest of the GOP has stood by with a look on their faces like the one the passengers on the Titanic must have had.      To find some insight to his obsession, I needed to look no further than his latest book,  Deep Thoughts by Donald Trump.      I read it, so you wouldn't have to.    Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. That, and crushing John McCain.    It ain't over 'til it's over. Or until John McCain comes back from the dead to finally vote for the repeal of ObamaCare.    All men are created equal. Except John McCain.    Thou shalt not kill. John McCain being the only exception.  ...

I'm not materialistic. You can get me anything you want for my birthday. As long as you wrap it in cash.   Nice try, people named Tristan... ...or should I say: Stan, Stan, Stan!   Sometimes my jokes are just for me.   A Fake News report you never see: "Psychic Wins Lottery!"   "No, those clothes don't make you look fat," I used to tell my ex. "You ALREADY look that way."   Money doesn't buy happiness... ...but it DOES provide for a more comfortable despair.   I think it's wrong that only ONE company makes the game of Monopoly.   "Two can play at THAT game," says the guy who's confused about how to play solitaire.   "Lucy. In the sky. With diamonds." --John Lennon aka The World's WORST Clue player.   I was playing chess with a friend. We decided to make it MORE interesting... ...so we stopped playing chess.   I'm the WORLD CHAMPION Trivial Pursuit playe...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      I am in my 80s.      From time to time, when I have tried to contact a dear friend or distant relative, I find that they have recently passed away.      Don't you think it would be a good idea for older people to make a short list of people we want contacted in case of a serious illness or death?      So many times our survivors have no idea who some of our friends are or how to contact them.      --Caring   Dear Caring, I 've seen their lists, and you weren't on them.     Dear John,      I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."      Yes, I know Kyle is a liar, and, yes, he needs help for his dr...

President Obama (about business owners): "You didn't do that!" President Trump (about President Trump's accomplishments): "I did that!"   Before you say something that will hurt another person's feelings, first think about it, then think about it again... ...then don't.   Oh, look! ANOTHER glorious Monday! ...makes me sick.   Fake News Reports! Harvey Weinstein Presents! Trumpenstein Versus The Obamonster ! WHO will win on Election Tuesday?   I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she loss ten pounds, it was like cutting the tail off a cow.   "Here you go, sir. A double scoop of Ben & Jerry's Pecan Resist ice cream, which honors Democrats' most cherish principles." Great! So the American Taxpayer will be paying for it?   The Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint. If their intention is to back up freeway traffic on I-10 East for half and hour, then they're doing a good job. ...

Santa should spread his deliveries out over the course of a year. Doing it all in one night is a classic example of bad management.   Each year I have a bigger Christmas tree than the year before. That's the best thing about having a dirt floor.   Who said: "Ask, that ye shall receive."? I'm guessing Santa Claus.   I'm not materialistic. You can get me anything you want for Christmas... ...as long as you wrap it in cash.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene