American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    Why did the chicken cross the road? That depends... Was the chicken crispy or original recipe?    Sully, President George H.W. Bush's Service Dog, Paid Tribute To Her Former Master On Memorial Day! Now, did she really pay tribute, or did someone drag her to his grave for a picture?    You should eat healthy foods and avoid snacks. Because those snacks are mine.    Beto O'Rourke Is Giving Unprecedented Access Into The Personal And Political Toll Running For Office Has Taken On Him And His Family! Beto's presidential campaign has barely started and already he's complaining?    The Border Patrol Captured Over 2,200 Foreign Nationals Crossing Into The United States Illegally In The El Paso/New Mexico Area On Memorial Day! "It was very memorable," the migrant caravaners all agreed.    Has-Been "Who's The Boss" Child Actress Alyssa Milano On Day 87 Of Sex Strike! Wow, Alyss...

Fake News Reports!    The Unemployment Rate In El Paso, Texas Has Hit A Historic Low! My lazy, chronically unemployed brother-in-law will be disappointed. He moved to El Paso because he heard there were no jobs there.    The New Mexico Supreme Court Is Considering Allowing Non-Lawyers To Provide Civil Legal Services To People Unable To Afford An Attorney! A NON-Lawyer? Finally, a job my uneducated brother-in-law is qualified for.    A Copy Of The 1868 Treaty Between Our Two Great Nations Was Generously Donated To The Navajos! "We're giving you this," a representative for the United States government told them, "because we're sure as hell not giving you anything else."    In A Tour Of El Paso's Sister City In Mexico, First Lady Adair Margo Insists THIS Is The Juarez She Wants Everybody To See. Um, shouldn't you be more concerned with promoting the city your husband is the mayor of? "El Paso?  Pffffft! "    Nancy ...

Fake News Reports!    New Mexico Democrats Call President Trump's New Immigration Plan "Reckless"! Hmm... That's interesting, because New Mexico REPUBLICANS are calling President Trump's new immigration plan "The best thing since Post Toasties!"    An NMSU Researcher Will Evaluate A Model Meant To Help Babies And Parents Sleep Better! In my case, it's called alcohol.    NMSU Ranks In The Top 25 For Enrolling And Graduating Woman In Computer Science. And, if you think I'm gonna make fun of THAT, you're suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.    El Paso Celebrates It's 146th Birthday With A Party Downtown! El Paso, you don't look a day over 145. And neither does my ex-wife.    University Of New Mexico Baseball Ends Their Disappointing 2019 Season On A High Note! "Thank God for medical marijuana," the Lobos coach said. "Uh... don't quote me on that." Oops.    Has-Been Who'...

Fake News Reports!    Albuquerque Residents Donate Over 184,000 Pounds Of Food To Roadrunner Food Bank! Who knew roadrunners ate so much?    I-25 To Get Wrong-Way Detection System! Sorry, I-25, but I already have one... My wife.    The TSA Is Evaluating 60,000 Employees To Determine Which Of Them Would Be The Most Helpful Along The Border! If anyone can slow to a halt the avalanche of migrant caravaners surging into the U.S., it's the TSA. Lord knows, that's what they do at airports.    A Flood Of Cuban Migrants On Their Way To El Paso Is Creating A Headache For Juarez Officials! "A headache?" one of the Cubans exclaimed. "You don't know what a headache is until you've tried to row a boat across the Mexican desert."    Don't have plans for Memorial Day? Now you do! Five fun things to do in Las Cruces for the holiday: 1) Mow my lawn. 2) Wash my car. 3) Paint my house. 4) Buy me beer. 5) Quit ...

In school, it's not that I wasn't interested. It's that my teachers weren't all that interesting.    Success 101: The secret to succeeding more? Failing less!    I know I say I don't like saying "I told you so," but, the truth is... I LOVE saying "I told you so!"    Why was Nancy Pelosi Reading " Mein Kampf " during President Trump's State of the Union address?    The Bible says "The truth shall set you free," but all the truth's ever done for me is gotten me in trouble.    Fake News Reports! Beto O'Rourke Raises A Record 6.1 Million Dollars in 24 hours! "And THAT was just from my billionaire father-in-law," he gesticulates.    Fake News Reports! Democrats, Led By Nancy Pelosi, Are Pushing For The Voting Age To Be Lowered To 16! Whatever these idiots are on... I WANT SOME!    Fake News Reports! After The Recent Mass Shooting, The Citizens Of New Zealand Are...

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies, but, I’ll admit, when I was a kid still in single digits, the grumpy apple trees and flying monkeys used to really creep me out.      What actually out-and-out scared me was the scene where Dorothy was trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle, crying to the image of her Auntie Em in the crystal ball, a nd then the image of her aunt changes into the Wicked Witch!  Who looks directly into the camera and cackles her hideous cackle.      It felt like she was looking right at me.    They were having a special showing of The Wizard of Oz at the Cinemark movie theater on the 27th, 29th, and 30th of this past January. It was sponsored by Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies (TCM). A funny thing that happened when I took my 4-year-old granddaughter to the matinee showing of it on Sunday the 27th. We got there early, bought our tickets, and stood in line to get our snacks. There was a single...

"I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. Really, really, really sorry. You don't know how sorry I am. How sorry am I? I am SO sorry. So, so, so, SO sorry. I couldn't be more sorry. I'm just so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to express how sorry I am. It's not possible for me to be any sorrier. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, I am on the tenth level of sorriness. If I were one of Spinal Tap's amps, I would be set at eleven, because eleven is one more than ten. You couldn't find anyone sorrier than I am right now. Because I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 'Knock, knock!' Who's there? 'Justin.' Justin who? 'Justin case I haven't made my point, I'm sorry.' Completely sorry. Absolutely sorry. An infinity of sorry. Infinity plus infinity times infinity. If you look up the word sorry in the dictionary, you won't find a picture of me, but you'll see a picture o...