American Chimpanzee

as featured in Desert  Exposure  Magazine desertexposure.com    As I was writing this month’s column, my father shuffled up behind me and peeked over my shoulder.      “What are you writing?” he wanted to know.      “Just a story, pop,” I told him.      Every month I sit down to write this column, and every month he asks me what I’m writing. I don’t know if he’s forgetful or just doesn’t pay attention to my answer. Probably a combination of both.      When my readers ask if he gets angry concerning these stories, I tell them no. For him to get angry, he’d first have to READ these biographical musings. If there’s a choice between reading RaisingDad or watching the very expensive premium baseball channel my wife and I pay for, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t make it to the literary World Series.      “Woo- wee! ” he said, looking...

Fake News Reports! Billie Eilish Spotlights Climate Change In Her New Music Video "All Good Girls Go To Hell"! So... climate change is a GOOD thing?    Democratic Presidential Hopeful Andrew Yang CROWD SURFS! "Why didn't I think of that?" laments the skateboarding-is-so-2018 Beto O'Rourke.    Quarterback Drew Brees ATTACKED By Left For Suggesting Students Should Take Their Bibles To School! Silly, Drew. If they put Bibles in their backpacks, they won't have any room for their guns.    The Democrats Have Announced They Will REINVESTIGATE The Mueller Investigation Because... "We're not done yet wasting your money," Chairman Nadler assures the American taxpayer.    Jenny Slate! ENGAGED! To Ben Shattuck! I have no idea who either of these two people are.    DJ Khaled And His Wife Are Expecting Their SECOND Child! "And ANOTHER One!" this tweeter punchlined unoriginally.    ...

I saw a man at the beach. He was in the ocean yelling: "Help! Shark!" I had to laugh. That shark wasn't going to help him.    I was hiking in the woods with some friends when we accidentally got between a mama grizzly bear and her cub. Do you know what the Park Rangers call the chewy stuff between a grizzly bear's teeth? The slowest runner.    When my wife gives me chores, I tell her to give me as many as she wants. It's just as easy for me to ignore a lot as it is to ignore a little.    I have a question for you: Say you take an elixir that gives you eternal life.  Now you're immortal.  Nothing can kill you.  Now say you're at ground zero of an atomic blast.  In a fraction of a second, you are incinerated into ashes.  Since you can never die... What happens to your consciousness?    I always finish what I start. As long as it's food.    It's just as good to give a person mone...

Does my baby ever wake me up in the middle of the night with its crying? Not since I unplugged the baby monitor.    My wife hasn't talked to me in WEEKS! All because of something I read in the Bible that I put into action. I read: "Ask, that ye shall receive."    Nothing is impossible. As long as I don't have to do it myself.    I say last is best. The last donut. The last cookie. The last beer. That is, as long as I'm the one who gets it.    Life can be separated into two parts: 1) Sleeping, and 2) Wishing you were asleep.    I never forget a face. In your case, I'll make an exception.    I was with my Anger Management Group last night. God, those people piss me off.    A new study has determined that people can live healthier, happier lives IF they can just ignore those pesky new studies.    Some drivers should be restrained by straight jackets instead of seat belts.  ...

Fake News Reports!    Beto O'Rourke Throws Out Breitbart Reporter Joel Pollak From His Benedict College Speech! Isn't that wrong? "It's only wrong when we can accuse President Trump of it," the presidential wannabe explained as he cowered behind campus security's skirt.    Beto O'Rourke Ejects Breitbart Reporter From His Benedict College Speech! Hey, Bobby... if you can't stand up to Joel Pollak, how are you going to stand up to Xi Jinping or Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-Un? ISIS or the Taliban? "Someone throw this guy out!"    Racially Insensitive Rihanna Culturally Appropriates The Asian Race On The September Cover Of Hong Kong's Vogue Magazine! "Did you hear about the Chinese look-a-like contest?" she asked anybody who would listen.    Illinois Congressman John Shimkus Has Announced He WILL NOT Seek Re-Election In 2020! "Why bother? Thanks to you rubes, politicians are set for LIFE," he sa...

Growing old is not for sissies, my friends.       At MY advanced age, I can’t help but notice everything on my body is heavier, hairier, and closer to the ground.      Why, just the other day Christian had a close call, and, if it weren’t for his superior driving abilities, he might not be here to nibble my muffin.      Blueberry.      I was watching TV when the Fox news anchor--the one with the big tits--interrupted with Breaking News. Someone was driving down the freeway...      IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!      Well, my heart just about FROZE.      CHRISTIAN should be on his way home!      And he ALWAYS takes the freeway!      Holy crap, I was SO worried.       What if that idiot driving the wrong way was in a head-on collision with my beloved husband? How could I live without him? How could my life go on? How does that news anchor...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com I know I complain about my father.      Maybe I complain about my father a lot, but I give him credit for the nuggets of wisdom he’s passed on to me. Before my first marriage, he told me, “Son, if you’re ever tempted to cheat on your wife, make sure it’s with someone worth losing your marriage over.”      Good advice. Too bad my ex-wife didn’t follow it, maybe we’d still be married. In the end, it worked out better. I met and married my second wife. She’s beautiful AND she loves to cook. That’s a nice combination.      My ex-wife?      Well, she and her boyfriend lost their jobs when they got caught stealing refrigerators from where they worked. How you steal something that big is beyond me. Maybe that’s why I’m still employed. Still, it didn’t surprise me. When I woke up the morning after our wedding night, my walle...