American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    "You're not going to destroy me," Joe Biden tells President Trump at a rally! "My SON will.    While in Las Vegas, Bernie Sanders suffers a MASSIVE heart attack! After emergency surgery, the presidential wannabe was alive and doing well. The dead hooker, however, wasn't so lucky. I'm not sure if I'll be voting in President Trump's next election. I'm troubled by the ignorance, the narcissism, the incompetence, the racism, the greed, and all the lying. And THAT'S just from the Democrats.    Liberal Democrat Congressman Elijah Cummings DEAD At 88! What were his final words? "Either Trump goes or I do!"    Joaquin Phoenix IS The Joker! Paul Dano IN As The Riddler! Jonah Hill OUT As The Penguin! Zoe Kravitz NOT Michelle Pfeiffer, but she is CATWOMAN! There have been EIGHTY YEARS of Batman. So why does Hollywood keep crapping out the same four villains?    Play The New CLUE White House Ed...

D  is for  D emons      They live down below E  is for  E dgar      As in Allan or Poe S  is for  S pirits      With malicious intent E  is for  E vil      Man’s eternal torment R  is for  R amses      He called Moses a chump T  is for  T ombstone      Bet you’d thought I’d say Trump    E  is for  E erie      You should say your farewells X  is for the dimension      Where the unknown there dwells P  is for  P otion      A witch’s foul brew O  is for  O diferous      One sniff, you’ll say “Ew!” S  is for  S hysie      A silent vampire U  is for  U ...

Fake News Reports!    In The Tweet Carol Hunter Highlighted, Carson King Did The Right Thing! Now, how about Anheuser-Busch and the Des Moines Register do the right thing as well?    Anheuser-Busch Was Quick To Drop Carson King! I suggest we be quick as well... ...at dropping Busch Light and all Anheuser-Busch products.    My God... it's full of STARS! #ThingsFoundInArea51    When The Des Moines Register Built Carson King Up Only To Try To Tear Him Down, The Public Became ENRAGED! "That's OUR job," they complained.    Classy: Carson King: "I take responsibility for my actions." Corrupt: Des Moines Register: "Don't blame US!" Cowardly: Anheuser-Busch: "We're outta here!"    President Trump Goes After "So-Called Whistleblower" And Media At UNGA Press Conference! Wow! That is so unlike him.    Robert De Niro Uses Multiple F-Bombs On CNN Concerning The Criticism He Receives F...

as featured in Desert  Exposure  Magazine desertexposure.com    As I was writing this month’s column, my father shuffled up behind me and peeked over my shoulder.      “What are you writing?” he wanted to know.      “Just a story, pop,” I told him.      Every month I sit down to write this column, and every month he asks me what I’m writing. I don’t know if he’s forgetful or just doesn’t pay attention to my answer. Probably a combination of both.      When my readers ask if he gets angry concerning these stories, I tell them no. For him to get angry, he’d first have to READ these biographical musings. If there’s a choice between reading RaisingDad or watching the very expensive premium baseball channel my wife and I pay for, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t make it to the literary World Series.      “Woo- wee! ” he said, looking...

Fake News Reports! Billie Eilish Spotlights Climate Change In Her New Music Video "All Good Girls Go To Hell"! So... climate change is a GOOD thing?    Democratic Presidential Hopeful Andrew Yang CROWD SURFS! "Why didn't I think of that?" laments the skateboarding-is-so-2018 Beto O'Rourke.    Quarterback Drew Brees ATTACKED By Left For Suggesting Students Should Take Their Bibles To School! Silly, Drew. If they put Bibles in their backpacks, they won't have any room for their guns.    The Democrats Have Announced They Will REINVESTIGATE The Mueller Investigation Because... "We're not done yet wasting your money," Chairman Nadler assures the American taxpayer.    Jenny Slate! ENGAGED! To Ben Shattuck! I have no idea who either of these two people are.    DJ Khaled And His Wife Are Expecting Their SECOND Child! "And ANOTHER One!" this tweeter punchlined unoriginally.    ...

I saw a man at the beach. He was in the ocean yelling: "Help! Shark!" I had to laugh. That shark wasn't going to help him.    I was hiking in the woods with some friends when we accidentally got between a mama grizzly bear and her cub. Do you know what the Park Rangers call the chewy stuff between a grizzly bear's teeth? The slowest runner.    When my wife gives me chores, I tell her to give me as many as she wants. It's just as easy for me to ignore a lot as it is to ignore a little.    I have a question for you: Say you take an elixir that gives you eternal life.  Now you're immortal.  Nothing can kill you.  Now say you're at ground zero of an atomic blast.  In a fraction of a second, you are incinerated into ashes.  Since you can never die... What happens to your consciousness?    I always finish what I start. As long as it's food.    It's just as good to give a person mone...

Does my baby ever wake me up in the middle of the night with its crying? Not since I unplugged the baby monitor.    My wife hasn't talked to me in WEEKS! All because of something I read in the Bible that I put into action. I read: "Ask, that ye shall receive."    Nothing is impossible. As long as I don't have to do it myself.    I say last is best. The last donut. The last cookie. The last beer. That is, as long as I'm the one who gets it.    Life can be separated into two parts: 1) Sleeping, and 2) Wishing you were asleep.    I never forget a face. In your case, I'll make an exception.    I was with my Anger Management Group last night. God, those people piss me off.    A new study has determined that people can live healthier, happier lives IF they can just ignore those pesky new studies.    Some drivers should be restrained by straight jackets instead of seat belts.  ...