American Chimpanzee

Sagittarius:  Things will get better after the amputation. Pisces:  No one will ever love you. Aquarius:  You're going to die alone. Taurus:  Everything you like will give you cancer. Virgo:  Your mother-in-law is going to live forever. Aries:  You'll never be happy. Gemini:  That scratching sound you hear outside your bedroom window… it could be a tree branch. Libra:  It’s only going to get worse. Cancer:  Guess who's expiration date is about to expire? Capricorn:  I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you. Scorpio:  Nobody lives forever. Especially you. Leo:  Remember how you said you would rather die than see President Trump win a second term in office? Well... Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “Howdy, stranger. We’ve been expecting you.” ********* Eat it, before it eats YOU! ********* “Your account shows some unusual activity.” ********* Woke up with my kidney missing. ********* It’s Halloween... and I’m sooo hungry. ********* Trick or treating?    So am I. ********* Halloween…    …look at all those treats. ********* Trick-or-treaters… …so darn tasty. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  His insides… were on… his outsides. ********* Something dripped on her face… blood? ********* She lay motionless. I already knew... ********* “Heard you were dead.”    “I am.” ********* “..3, 4, better lock the door…” ********* You should have locked the door. ********* They’re right in front of you. ********* Cupid’s arrow had a poison tip. ********* The setting sun never rose again. ********* Turns out, it wasn’t a nightmare. ********* James Corden’s coming to your restaurant. ********* A Tremors-inspired Six Word Horror Story:      Giant worms. Digging holes. Eating people. ********* Grinning, the clown closed the door. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “This meat tastes funny. Where’s grandma?” ********* The real monsters live next door. ********* I have my father’s eyes. Delicious. ********* Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful. ********* Why do these dates have legs? ********* The zombies started with my eyes. ********* His head hurt... and then exploded. ********* And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. ********* “I’m dead? Sweet Jesus!” “Guess again.” ********* Special Russian Invasion Edition:    “I just got my draft notice.” ********* Finally, he could pass for human. ********* “Is that a gun?”    BANG!    “Yes.” ********* “Why is the back door open?” ********* “But mommy SAID she’d be back!” ********* For Sale. Chainsaw. Only Used Once. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  Your Horrorscope! Sagittarius:  I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you. Pisces:  Your mother never loved you. Aquarius:  You'll never be good enough. Taurus:  Is that a clown hiding in your closet? Virgo:  Crazy people don't care about restraining orders. Aries:  I'm not saying it's a tumor, but... Gemini:  There's no point in buying those green bananas. Libra:  Everybody dies. Some sooner than others. Like you, for example. Cancer:  You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony. Capricorn:  Is your health insurance paid up? Just asking. Scorpio:  How long have you had that mole? Leo:  Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days. Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

“Yay! The weekend!”    *blink*     “Aieee! Monday!” ********* “Are your parents home? No? Good.” ********* Sadly, Baby New Year was stillborn. ********* Trump wins 2024 by a LANDSLIDE! ********* Love was the end of happiness. ********* “Is that a gun he’s carrying?” ********* Turns out, it WAS a gun. ********* “Look out! He’s got a gun!” ********* Take my word for it… RUN! ********* Who knew runaways were so tasty? ********* The Secret Service reads your tweets. ********* I want to marry your daughter. ********* “You’re lost? Gee, that’s too bad.” ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist  

  The leprechaun had such sharp teeth. ********* Santa descended the chimney…    …in pieces. ********* For sale. Baby shoes. Don’t ask. ********* The babysitter’s red lips dripped blood. ********* Gas. Inflation. Willie Nelson. All high. ********* “Hi, I’m Pennywise. What’s for dinner?” ********* “Don’t worry, I’m a FRIENDLY clown.” ********* Should’ve known werewolves couldn’t be housebroken. ********* “I’m Ted Bundy. What’s your name?” ********* Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex. ********* “Honey, mother’s moving in with us.” ********* My mother-in-law is never leaving. ********* Murder was definitely cheaper than divorce. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories