American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. ********* On live TV, President Covid-Xi had the former Chinese leader Hu Jintao physically escorted out of the Great Hall of the People during the CCP's Party Congress!   “Make sure his body’s never found,” ordered the likeable Fentanyl exporter. ********* THIS JUST IN: The Staff Writers Of Saturday Night Live Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “We REFUSE to take part in anything that’s funny,” a spokesperson for SNL said. ********* SNL Staff Writers Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “Bring back Andrew Dice Clay!” they chanted on their way out. ********* Saturday Night Live’s Staff Writers Are Boycotting This Week’s Show In Protest Of Dave Chappelle As Host!    “What can I do?” squeaked a timid Lorne Michaels, cowering in the corner. “I’m just the producer.” ********* AN ARIZONA UPDATE: Politici...

Sagittarius:  Things will get better after the amputation. Pisces:  No one will ever love you. Aquarius:  You're going to die alone. Taurus:  Everything you like will give you cancer. Virgo:  Your mother-in-law is going to live forever. Aries:  You'll never be happy. Gemini:  That scratching sound you hear outside your bedroom window… it could be a tree branch. Libra:  It’s only going to get worse. Cancer:  Guess who's expiration date is about to expire? Capricorn:  I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you. Scorpio:  Nobody lives forever. Especially you. Leo:  Remember how you said you would rather die than see President Trump win a second term in office? Well... Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “Howdy, stranger. We’ve been expecting you.” ********* Eat it, before it eats YOU! ********* “Your account shows some unusual activity.” ********* Woke up with my kidney missing. ********* It’s Halloween... and I’m sooo hungry. ********* Trick or treating?    So am I. ********* Halloween…    …look at all those treats. ********* Trick-or-treaters… …so darn tasty. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  His insides… were on… his outsides. ********* Something dripped on her face… blood? ********* She lay motionless. I already knew... ********* “Heard you were dead.”    “I am.” ********* “..3, 4, better lock the door…” ********* You should have locked the door. ********* They’re right in front of you. ********* Cupid’s arrow had a poison tip. ********* The setting sun never rose again. ********* Turns out, it wasn’t a nightmare. ********* James Corden’s coming to your restaurant. ********* A Tremors-inspired Six Word Horror Story:      Giant worms. Digging holes. Eating people. ********* Grinning, the clown closed the door. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

  “This meat tastes funny. Where’s grandma?” ********* The real monsters live next door. ********* I have my father’s eyes. Delicious. ********* Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful. ********* Why do these dates have legs? ********* The zombies started with my eyes. ********* His head hurt... and then exploded. ********* And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. ********* “I’m dead? Sweet Jesus!” “Guess again.” ********* Special Russian Invasion Edition:    “I just got my draft notice.” ********* Finally, he could pass for human. ********* “Is that a gun?”    BANG!    “Yes.” ********* “Why is the back door open?” ********* “But mommy SAID she’d be back!” ********* For Sale. Chainsaw. Only Used Once. ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostologist

  Your Horrorscope! Sagittarius:  I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you. Pisces:  Your mother never loved you. Aquarius:  You'll never be good enough. Taurus:  Is that a clown hiding in your closet? Virgo:  Crazy people don't care about restraining orders. Aries:  I'm not saying it's a tumor, but... Gemini:  There's no point in buying those green bananas. Libra:  Everybody dies. Some sooner than others. Like you, for example. Cancer:  You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony. Capricorn:  Is your health insurance paid up? Just asking. Scorpio:  How long have you had that mole? Leo:  Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days. Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist

“Yay! The weekend!”    *blink*     “Aieee! Monday!” ********* “Are your parents home? No? Good.” ********* Sadly, Baby New Year was stillborn. ********* Trump wins 2024 by a LANDSLIDE! ********* Love was the end of happiness. ********* “Is that a gun he’s carrying?” ********* Turns out, it WAS a gun. ********* “Look out! He’s got a gun!” ********* Take my word for it… RUN! ********* Who knew runaways were so tasty? ********* The Secret Service reads your tweets. ********* I want to marry your daughter. ********* “You’re lost? Gee, that’s too bad.” ********* #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories Jim Duchene Master Astrostrologist