American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! I Just Saw A Television Commercial For The New York Times And Their New Motto Is: “Truth Takes A Journalist”! Does this mean they’re finally going to hire some? ********** An Angry New York Times Condemns An Opinion Piece Fact-Checked To Be False Calling For Teachers To “Tolerate Bullying Towards Unvaccinated Children” That Is Making Its Way Through Social Media! “Making up stories is OUR responsibility,” whine journalists everywhere. ********** Peter Dinklage Proves To Be A Racist By Claiming The Backlash To The Piece Of Crap “Game Of Thrones” Finale Was Because Fans “Wanted The Pretty White People To Ride Off Into The Sunset Together”! “I’m not the racist, YOU’RE the racist!” the sad little actor cried. ********** I’m not saying my mother-in-law talks too much, but has YOUR tongue ever gotten sunburned? ********** Missed my nap today.    Slept right through it. ********** USA Today Opinionates: “First COVID-Xi, Then Climate Change, Nursing Homes Jus...

  Fake News Reports! Things That Make Me Go Hmm: Concerning Senator Karen, Why Do The People In Charge Of Writing The Tax Code Complain The Most About The Way The Tax Code Is Written? ********** I’m not saying inflation is out of control, but last year it took both my wife and I to carry home a hundred dollars worth of groceries.   These days, I just hand the bag to my toddler. ********** I’m not saying my ex was easy, but when she wanted to get pregnant she saw the doctor. When that didn’t work, she saw the pool boy. ********** I’m not saying Elon Musk’s got too much money, but this Christmas he went up to Ol’ St. Nick and said, “Santa, what do YOU want?” ********** After Being “Disappeared” By Her Government, Chinese Tennis Star Peng Shuai Takes Back Her Accusation That She Was Raped By A Chinese Official! “And I’m not just saying that because I have a gun pointed at my head,” she affirmed. ********** Texas’ Premier Media Outlet “The Chron” Confirms That Governor Abbott Has ...

  Fake News Reports! THIS JUST IN: Brian Williams QUITS Television! America is “unrecognizable” in 2021, he laments. Well, Brian, do you think maybe YOU were part of the problem? “This isn’t about ME,” the man who says he invented blood answered. ********** The San Francisco Chronicle Reports That Kamala Harris Warns “Women will die!” If The Supreme Court Overturns Roe Vs Wade! “Better that we kill babies in the womb than to risk losing women who couldn’t be bothered to use birth control.” ********** In An Interview With The San Francisco Chronicle, Kamala Harris Has Definite Thoughts If The Supreme Court Should Overturn Roe Vs Wade! “Better that we kill babies in the womb than to inconvenience our menfolk.” ********** In An Interview With The San Francisco Chronicle, Kamala Harris Asks The Hard Questions Should The Supreme Court Overturn Roe Vs Wade! “Can you imagine the child support men would have to pay if they did that?” ********** After 18 Years, Chris Wallace Announces He Is...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine My wife lied to me.      “No, I didn’t,” she insisted.      But she did.       By omission, that is.      You see, every year we go to a Christmas Fair with my buddy Maloney and his wife, Gail. Local businesses set up booths there to sell their wares. This year, however, my beautiful wife “conveniently” forgot to tell me Maloney wasn’t coming. He played it smart and scheduled an appointment with an exterminator to fumigate his house. I’m not saying shopping with your wife is boring, but when a man would rather breathe poison, well, you tell me.      It cost five dollars to park in the underground garage, but a sign said no cash. Credit or debit only.       “What if you don’t have a credit or debit card?” I asked my wife. “By the time you see the sign, you’re stuck.”   ...

  Fake News Reports! Women made me fat. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima… ********** The Los Angeles Times Weighs In With Legal Experts Over Whether Or Not Alec Baldwin’s Television ABC News Interview Was A Risky Move! “Legal experts? I know better than legal experts. I’M Alec Baldwin!” ********** Daily Mail Celebrity Is Giddy To Announce The First Trailer For The  Harry Potter Reunion “Is HERE” And “It’s MAGICAL”! And—ABRACADABRA!—they made JK Rowling disappear just like THAT. ********** Reuters Reports Columbian Authorities Have Seized Hundreds Of Arachnids Being Illegally Smuggled Into Europe! Who knew Europe had a shortage of bugs? ********** After Tuesday’s Election, The Albuquerque Journal Reports That The Voters Complaining About Their City Council Have Voted The Same Politicians Back Into Office! ********** THIS JUST IN: Joe Biden Murders An Innocent Tree And Leaves It’s Decomposing Corpse For America To See! ********** Telegraph Global Health Security Wond...

Fake News Reports! The price of gas has gotten so high it’s become cheaper to buy cocaine and just run everywhere. ********** Jack Dorsey Announces He Is Stepping Down As Twitter CEO! In a related story: NO ONE CARES BUT JACK DORSEY! ********** THIS JUST IN: CNBC's Jim Cramer DEMANDS Joe Biden Impose A Nationwide Vaccine Mandate And Use The Military To Enforce It! “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!” he could be heard screaming as he was being led away from his studio. ********** A Team Of USA Today Reporters Studying 126 Years Of Federal Data Have Determined That Rainfall This Year Is High Due To Climate Change! Oh, how I long for the days when it never rained. ********** THIS JUST IN: Police Involved In A Shootout In NW Albuquerque! “Is it Thursday already?” police spokesman Gilbert Gallegos says, shaking his head. ********** In A Television Interview About The Fatal Movie Set Shooting Where Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins Was Tragically Killed, Alec Baldwin Reveals He “Didn’t Pull The Trigger...