American Chimpanzee

Don Draper, an advertising executive for the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, once told me, “If you want to sell someone something, it helps to be as good-looking as I am.”      I bring this up because of all the recent criticism over my “El Paso! (Insert Slogan HERE!)” column from Monday of last week (5-19-13).        “How DARE you take credit for our city’s slogan du jour! ” said one.      “How DARE you besmirch the reputation of the people involved!” said another.      “How DARE you be so good-looking!” was the general consensus. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, besides, I don’t know what the word “besmirch” even means.      I’ll leave it to Chris Lopez, my old friend and former editor of the El Paso Times newspaper, to put things in perspective: “Who are you and why do you keep sending me these stories about El Paso? Security! ”      Okay, maybe ...

Today's Birthday: This year will prove to be a very prosperous one for you, unless it isn't.     Aries (March 21-April 19): You might begin the day feeling sluggish, but don't worry, things will soon turn around, and you'll find you have the energy to accomplish everything on your To-Do List. Then again, why bother?   Taurus (April 20-May 20): That big project you have brewing in the back of your mind, THIS is the day to do it. But I could be wrong.   Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars say NOW'S the time for you to put your plan in action! Or you could just stay in bed and sleep.   Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your persistence finally pays off at your job, and today's the day all your hard work gets acknowledged and rewarded. For your boss, that is, since he took all the credit.   Leo (July 23-August 22): You'll want to understand your wife before you respond to her. When will that b...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      Do you have any ticks for keeping ants and bugs away from an outdoor picnic? How about keeping bugs away from a BBQ? Thanks!      --Hungry Dear Hungry,      Invite Ron Jeremy. Unfortunately, he'll also keep away your guests. Dear John,      Do you have a go-to dessert to serve at outdoor parties? Maybe something that doesn't melt in the heat?      --Hot Dear Hot,      In my business we call it The Popsicle That Doesn't Melt. Dear John,      With a small outdoor party, how important is a seating arrangement versus an open seating plan? Do guests want to have a proper seat?      --Unsure Dear Unsure,      I generally let my guests sit on whomever they want. Dear John,      Is th...

Well, El Paso has a new slogan.      After weeks of teasing billboards (er... I mean, billboards teasing us , not us teasing them ), it was revealed that the two words, "...so...good..." was actually a tease for the slogan, "El Paso. It's all good."      I hate to bring this up. but it sounds an awful lot like a slogan I came up with four years ago (See My El Paso [Parts One, Two, and Three], posted way back in 6-22-11 and 6-19-11.)   El Paso! (Insert Slogan Here!)        The only difference being, where they put a period at the end of the words "El Paso," I put an exclamation point, and, let me tell you, that little exclamation point makes all the difference in the world. It takes El Paso from being a ho-hum destination, to a place where the movers and shakers congregate to do whatever it is that movers and shakers do. I'm guessing what they do looks an awful lot like Pys's dancing in Gangnam Style...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie     Dear John,      I have been married to "Dennis" for eight years. Early on, Dennis couldn't do enough for me.      Now, if my car won't start, he yells at me and says to call a tow truck. If I asked to spend time with me, always has other things to do.      On the rare occasion when we attend a social event together, he abandons me so he can "work the room" and have a great time with everyone else. We arrive together and leave together, and the rest of the time, I sit alone. Miserable and forgotten.      Dennis will go above beyond for others. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night, raining, snowing, spending money we don't have, missing meals, birthdays, holidays, and our daughter's school programs. If it's a chance to make himself look good, he's there with a smile and compassion. I get the repairman to take car...

1) When you ask him which law school he went to, he tells you, "Law school, schmaw school."   2) When you show him a picture of your wife, he asks to borrow it, and then spends the next half hour in the bathroom with it.   3) He picks the jury using "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo."   4) He keeps updating his Facebook during the trial.   5) He really believes Elvis is still alive.   6) Every time your wife walks into the courtroom, he goes, "Man, I'd sure like some of that ."   7) He keeps borrowing five bucks from you "for lunch."   8) That white powder under his nose? Well, it's not from eating a powdered donut.   9) You look over at the legal pad he keeps writing on, and it's a drawing of your wife.   10) He confides in you, "Man, I sure hope the judge doesn't remember I slept with his wife.   11) Bad News: He has nine different personalities.  Good News: One of them thinks you're...

I find it interesting, and more than a little amusing, that whenever I refer to El Paso's Mayor John Cook as El Paso's first honorary gay mayor, I get a ton of mail that usually begins, "I'm not gay, but ..." and then they go on to say how offended they are that I would insult the mayor with such a derogatory reference. (Interestingly enough, I don't receive the same kind of response from the gay community. They're too busy with other concerns... like being gay. [I've always thought that it would be nice to be bi-sexual. That way I'd have twice the chance of finding a date for Saturday night. But I digress...])      Obviously, the people who write me are unaware of the vote that went on at one of the local Downtown gay bars, but, more than that, if you're offended by the term "honorary gay mayor," then you must find the term "gay" pejorative, and the act of being gay offensive.      I think these responses are an interesti...