Your Horoscope

Today's Birthday:

This year will prove to be a very prosperous one for you, unless it isn't.

   

Aries

(March 21-April 19):

You might begin the day feeling sluggish, but don't worry, things will soon turn around, and you'll find you have the energy to accomplish everything on your To-Do List. Then again, why bother?

 

Taurus

(April 20-May 20):

That big project you have brewing in the back of your mind, THIS is the day to do it. But I could be wrong.

 

Gemini

(May 21-June 20):

The stars say NOW'S the time for you to put your plan in action! Or you could just stay in bed and sleep.

 

Cancer

(June 21-July 22):

Your persistence finally pays off at your job, and today's the day all your hard work gets acknowledged and rewarded. For your boss, that is, since he took all the credit.

 

Leo

(July 23-August 22):

You'll want to understand your wife before you respond to her. When will that be? When pigs fly.

 

Virgo

(August 23-September 22):

You may feel confident, but deep down you're still just an insecure little baby making poopoo in your pants. Still, things will work out. For everybody but you.

   

Libra

(September 23-October 22):

That person you've had your eye on? It's time to make your move. But it doesn't look good.

 

Scorpio

(October 23-November 21):

You finally will feel ready to make that important decision you've been putting off. But it'll be too late.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22-December 21):

Take a break from all the activity. You will be happiest when you're working by yourself in the handling of an important issue. Because nobody likes you.

 

Capricorn

(December 22-January 19):

You might want to rethink a decision involving a long-term goal. But no matter what you decision you make, it'll still be the wrong one.

 

Aquarius

(January 20-February 18):

Your spouse will come up with a solution to your marital problems. It's called d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

 

Pisces

(February 19-March 20):

Your ability to empathize with others emerges. Yeah, empathizing with others sure does stink, doesn't it?

 

Tonight

Take a friend out for dinner. Be sure to skip out before the check comes.

 

 

American Chimpanzee

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