Dear John: Special Even-The-Bible-Says Edition!

Hard Core Advice From

Hard Core's Hardest Core...
John Leslie!

Dear John,
     I am a 31 year-old Jewish-American woman who has been studying veterinary medicine and working in London for the past several years. I am ready to settle down and start a family. I recently ended a casual relationship with a man I desperately loved, but who wasn't ready to commit.
     Enter David, a tall, blue-eyed Jewish doctor I would be proud to introduce to my family (the antithesis of the dark, hipster man I still think about). David is sweet and kind and everything I could ask for... on paper. We are a couple of months into our relationship, and he wants to meet my mom, but I'm scared my family will love him so much I will be pressured into marrying him.
     Here's my problem: He's bald!
     When we have sex, it just sometimes feels like I'm with an infant or grandpa, and I get weirded out. I have never imagined being with a bald man for the rest of my life. I'd also like him to work out more than what he does, because I'm a workout junkie.
     These are all superficial things, I know, but isn't passion and attraction an essential ingredient to a happy relationship? How do I improve a man without demoralizing his ego? How do I get past the baldness without resorting to asking him to wear a hat?
     --Princess

Dear Princess,

You're Jewish?

Ew!

Dear John,
     My 17 year-old daughter, "Kylie," has had behavioral problems since she was 14. I am a single mother, I work full time, and also have two sons, one of whom lives with his dad.
     Kylie was in a hospital for three months for various evaluations, and she recently lived in a residential home. She was released in October, on the condition that she follow the house rules, obey curfew, finish high school, and start looking at colleges. Well, she broke the parole conditions constantly. During this time, we had a family counseling, and an individual clinician saw Kylie. They offered to help with resumes, job applications, and social activities.
     In December, Kylie met a 24 year-old man and ran off with him. This young man was discharged from the military because of psychiatric issues.
     This scares me to no end. Kylie is now considered a missing person, although she's been in contact with me via text, and telling me to leave her alone, and to "send money." There is a warrant out to take them into custody. Since then, my home has been robbed of clothing, food, and jewelry. I am sick over this.
     Kylie will be 18 in two weeks. She has no remorse. Meanwhile, I'm a mess. I'm desperate to see her.
     --Help!

Dear Help,

If you want to see your daughter, just rent my latest XXX classic Electric Donkey Bottom Biter.

Dear John,
     I have been dating my girlfriend for three years, and I am mostly sure that this is the woman I will marry... except for on thing: Her cat.
     The only time we have any real disagreement, it's about our cat. She thinks it is just fine to kiss it right on the nose or on the mouth, repeatedly. She basically kisses it and makes an "om nom nom" noise while doing so. I think it's gross. She thinks it's funny.
     I honestly feel ill when she does this, and can't stand the thought of kissing her afterward, unless she washes up and brushes her teeth first. She thinks this makes me a wuss, and yet, I can't help the ick! factor.
     She has begun to wonder why we aren't engaged yet, and while it is quite true that I don't want to deal with wedding plans until I am done with grad school, the true reason is I can't decide if this is a deal-breaker, or if I'm being overly squeamish. So, please tell me, am I over-reacting, or is she just being gross?
     --Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

Using a synonym for the word "cat," I could make a joke about "kissing the kitty,"  but that would be beneath me.

Confidential To Crazy:

I feel that both gay marriage AND marijuana should be legalized.
Even the Bible says, "If two men should lay together, they must be stoned."

American Chimpanzee

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