American Chimpanzee

Don Draper, an advertising executive for the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, once told me, “If you want to sell someone something, it helps to be as good-looking as I am.”      I bring this up because of all the recent criticism over my “El Paso! (Insert Slogan HERE!)” column from Monday of last week (5-19-13).        “How DARE you take credit for our city’s slogan du jour! ” said one.      “How DARE you besmirch the reputation of the people involved!” said another.      “How DARE you be so good-looking!” was the general consensus. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, besides, I don’t know what the word “besmirch” even means.      I’ll leave it to Chris Lopez, my old friend and former editor of the El Paso Times newspaper, to put things in perspective: “Who are you and why do you keep sending me these stories about El Paso? Security! ”      Okay, maybe ...

Today's Birthday: This year will prove to be a very prosperous one for you, unless it isn't.     Aries (March 21-April 19): You might begin the day feeling sluggish, but don't worry, things will soon turn around, and you'll find you have the energy to accomplish everything on your To-Do List. Then again, why bother?   Taurus (April 20-May 20): That big project you have brewing in the back of your mind, THIS is the day to do it. But I could be wrong.   Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars say NOW'S the time for you to put your plan in action! Or you could just stay in bed and sleep.   Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your persistence finally pays off at your job, and today's the day all your hard work gets acknowledged and rewarded. For your boss, that is, since he took all the credit.   Leo (July 23-August 22): You'll want to understand your wife before you respond to her. When will that b...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      Do you have any ticks for keeping ants and bugs away from an outdoor picnic? How about keeping bugs away from a BBQ? Thanks!      --Hungry Dear Hungry,      Invite Ron Jeremy. Unfortunately, he'll also keep away your guests. Dear John,      Do you have a go-to dessert to serve at outdoor parties? Maybe something that doesn't melt in the heat?      --Hot Dear Hot,      In my business we call it The Popsicle That Doesn't Melt. Dear John,      With a small outdoor party, how important is a seating arrangement versus an open seating plan? Do guests want to have a proper seat?      --Unsure Dear Unsure,      I generally let my guests sit on whomever they want. Dear John,      Is th...

Well, El Paso has a new slogan.      After weeks of teasing billboards (er... I mean, billboards teasing us , not us teasing them ), it was revealed that the two words, "...so...good..." was actually a tease for the slogan, "El Paso. It's all good."      I hate to bring this up. but it sounds an awful lot like a slogan I came up with four years ago (See My El Paso [Parts One, Two, and Three], posted way back in 6-22-11 and 6-19-11.)   El Paso! (Insert Slogan Here!)        The only difference being, where they put a period at the end of the words "El Paso," I put an exclamation point, and, let me tell you, that little exclamation point makes all the difference in the world. It takes El Paso from being a ho-hum destination, to a place where the movers and shakers congregate to do whatever it is that movers and shakers do. I'm guessing what they do looks an awful lot like Pys's dancing in Gangnam Style...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie     Dear John,      I have been married to "Dennis" for eight years. Early on, Dennis couldn't do enough for me.      Now, if my car won't start, he yells at me and says to call a tow truck. If I asked to spend time with me, always has other things to do.      On the rare occasion when we attend a social event together, he abandons me so he can "work the room" and have a great time with everyone else. We arrive together and leave together, and the rest of the time, I sit alone. Miserable and forgotten.      Dennis will go above beyond for others. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night, raining, snowing, spending money we don't have, missing meals, birthdays, holidays, and our daughter's school programs. If it's a chance to make himself look good, he's there with a smile and compassion. I get the repairman to take car...

1) When you ask him which law school he went to, he tells you, "Law school, schmaw school."   2) When you show him a picture of your wife, he asks to borrow it, and then spends the next half hour in the bathroom with it.   3) He picks the jury using "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo."   4) He keeps updating his Facebook during the trial.   5) He really believes Elvis is still alive.   6) Every time your wife walks into the courtroom, he goes, "Man, I'd sure like some of that ."   7) He keeps borrowing five bucks from you "for lunch."   8) That white powder under his nose? Well, it's not from eating a powdered donut.   9) You look over at the legal pad he keeps writing on, and it's a drawing of your wife.   10) He confides in you, "Man, I sure hope the judge doesn't remember I slept with his wife.   11) Bad News: He has nine different personalities.  Good News: One of them thinks you're...

I find it interesting, and more than a little amusing, that whenever I refer to El Paso's Mayor John Cook as El Paso's first honorary gay mayor, I get a ton of mail that usually begins, "I'm not gay, but ..." and then they go on to say how offended they are that I would insult the mayor with such a derogatory reference. (Interestingly enough, I don't receive the same kind of response from the gay community. They're too busy with other concerns... like being gay. [I've always thought that it would be nice to be bi-sexual. That way I'd have twice the chance of finding a date for Saturday night. But I digress...])      Obviously, the people who write me are unaware of the vote that went on at one of the local Downtown gay bars, but, more than that, if you're offended by the term "honorary gay mayor," then you must find the term "gay" pejorative, and the act of being gay offensive.      I think these responses are an interesti...

Not since the Civil War have conflicting beliefs torn families and friendships apart, pitting brother against brother in battle.      "Should the slaves be freed?"      "Can the states secede from the Union?"      "Will El Paso have Triple-A baseball?"      The answer, my fellow El Pasoans, is YES! Well, except for that second question there.      Hearts were broken, voters were ignored, and a perfectly good City Hall building was torn down, but the movers and shakers of our fine city got their way and were successful in bringing to our town a sport that nobody wanted.      I don't blame the powers-that-be for ignoring the voters of El Paso. There's a guy I work with who claims that aliens abduct him every Friday and Saturday night (at least that's what he tells his wife), and HE votes. Every election. But now, El Pasoans will finally have a chance to h...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      I am a 31 year-old Jewish-American woman who has been studying veterinary medicine and working in London for the past several years. I am ready to settle down and start a family. I recently ended a casual relationship with a man I desperately loved, but who wasn't ready to commit.      Enter David, a tall, blue-eyed Jewish doctor I would be proud to introduce to my family (the antithesis of the dark, hipster man I still think about). David is sweet and kind and everything I could ask for... on paper. We are a couple of months into our relationship, and he wants to meet my mom, but I'm scared my family will love him so much I will be pressured into marrying him.      Here's my problem: He's bald!      When we have sex, it just sometimes feels like I'm with an infant or grandpa, and I get weirded out. I have never imagine...

1) You've been happily married for five years. She's only been happily married for two.   2) President Obama didn't offer the furloughed air traffic controllers money to get back to work, he   offered them your wife.   3) Your "His" and "Hers" towels now say "I'm With Stupid."   4) She reports you to the police for tearing off the "Under Penalty of Law/Do Not Remove" tag from  your mattress.   5) She taped over your wedding video with Ron Jeremy's greatest hits.   6) She goes outside "for a smoke," and comes back smelling like your best friend's cologne.   7) She tells you, "Why can't you be more like your dad?" while you're at your dad's funeral.   8) She assures you that auto-erotic asphyxiation is a perfectly safe alternative to a healthy sex life.   9) If you fall asleep in the car on the trip home, she's nice enough to let you sleep. In the garage. W...

I was honored, to say the least, when former President and WWE champion George W. Bush called me personally to invite me for a personal tour of his new George W. Bush Library and Car Wash.      Bush and I go back a long way. He even gave me my nickname, Jimmy the Saint. We first met during Spring Break in Pensacola, Florida. I was a sophomore at the University of South Alabama in Mobile, Alabama, and he was, ahem , on leave from the National Guard. I beat him in a tequila drinking contest, and a life-long friendship was born.      "Come on down and we'll have a good time," he told me, "and whatever you do, don't tell my momma about the man we killed down in Biloxi, Mississippi."      It was a more innocent time. I was chowing down on a plate of beer-boiled shrimp in some dive-bar by the beach. It was a ton of shrimp piled on a paper plate, and it was only 25 cents on Mondays. Living close to the Gulf had its advantages. ...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      Recently, I invited my best friend (I'll call him Barry, since that's his name) and his family of four to join my family at a popular out-of-state theme park, whose name rhymes with Bisneyland. Our children are similar ages, and we have always gotten along well, even though we live in different states.      My wife and I are members of a vacation program and offered to use our hotel points to save Barry a great deal of money. We didn't expect anything in return, but we had discussed how much fun we'd have together.      This didn't happen. Barry and his family ignored us, made no effort to interact with my wife or children, and had other friends and family join them at the resort and in our shared rooms. They frequently went their own way in the theme park, hogged all the Bisneyland characters, and were distant during the rare times we w...