American Chimpanzee

FAKE NEWS REPORTS!    Sixties Rock Icon Neil Young Has Become An American Citizen! "I wanted to vote in the next presidential election," the former Canadian explained, giving his primary reason. "I wanted to do my part in turning the United States into a socialist country."    China Is Building Two New Hospitals To Help Combat The Coronavirus Outbreak In The City Of Wuhan, Epicenter Of The Deadly Virus! "Too bad everybody will be dead by then," a Chinese spokesman lamented.    What's a yardstick? It's a device for getting stuff out from under the refrigerator.    Kobe Bryant! DEAD! Um... didn’t he play basketball or something?    Kobe Bryant! DEAD! As an iconic athlete, he accomplished something not even the great Tiger Woods could achieve: He got away with cheating on his wife.    Kobe Bryant! DEAD! "Oh, my God! That's horrible! That's the worst news I've ever heard in my ...

Fake News Reports!    It's The 14-Year Anniversary Of Kobe Bryant's HISTORIC 81-Point Game! Hey, didn't Wilt Chamberlain score a HUNDRED points back in 1962? Hmm... seems like Fake News isn't as smart as Fake News thinks it is.    Today (January 22nd) Is Squirrel Appreciation Day! Something tells me that someone has a little too much time on their hands.    Chuck Schumer Says A Witness Swap With The Republicans Involving Hunter Biden In President Trump's Senate Impeachment Trial Is "Off The Table" Because... "We're not really interested in a fair trial."    The Weather Has Reached Such Cold Temperatures In Florida That Their Native Iguanas Are Falling From Trees! On the plus side, grilled iguanas are DELICIOUS.    In An Article In The Guardian, The Church Of England Makes It Clear That Sex Is For Married Heterosexual Couples ONLY. "Boinking is for everybody else."    The Chinese Zodiac's Year O...

Fake News Reports!    On Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day Let's Honor The Man By Judging People    By The Content Of Their Character And Not By The Color Of Their Skin! "Hey, if you do that WE'LL be out of a job!" the Reverends Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson both protested.    Bernie Sanders Was Considering A Dual Vice-President/Treasury Secretary Role For Elizabeth Warren Should He Become President! "Well, she can forget about that now," he griped, bitterly.    "There Was No Other Option," The Former Prince Harry Whined About His & Meghan Markle's Severing Ties With The Royal Family In A Speech He Gave To His Sentebale Charity. "It was either that or be a man and stand up to my wife."    Iranian Lawmaker Ahmad Hamzeh, In A Speech To His Parliament, Puts A Multi-Million Dollar Bounty On President Trump!   Democrats immediately subpoena him as a witness for the prosecution in the Senate's Trump Impeachment Trial....

Fake News Reports!    My ex ruined my life in every way possible. Who knew she was such a perfectionist?    Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev Has Submitted His Resignation To President Vladimir Putin! "Please don't kill me," he begged, just before his neck snapped.    Last Week's CNN Democratic Debate Was a Complete And Utter Flop! As soon as I saw Ricky Gervais wasn't the host, I turned it off.      Beyoncé  Gifts Her Famous Friends With An Entire Wardrobe Of Ivy Park Clothes Because... ...well, you know how hard things are for the rich these days.    Scientists Warn That The Red Super-Giant Star Betelgeuse May Supernova SOON! "Of course, by 'soon' we mean in a few hundred million years," they clarified, chuckling together in a huddle like a gaggle of naughty 1st graders.    Beyoncé  Gifts Her Famous Friends With An Entire Wardrobe Of Ivy Park Clothes Because... "It ...

Nancy Pelosi Will Hand Over Trump's Articles Of Impeachment "When I'm Ready"! Her Top 3 Things To Do First: 3) ignore the homeless crisis in my district, 2) ignore human feces & used hypodermic needles on the streets, and 1) wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H.    Bloomberg News Predicts That The Risk Of Nuclear War Is Imminent! "And we'll keep poking at the hornet's nest until it happens," they promise.    Congresswoman Ilhan Omar Says She's "Stricken With PTSD" With All This Talk About War With Iran! "And you know what?" she admonished from her soapbox. "It's not so bad. I don't know what our soldiers are complaining about."    Judge Judy Endorses Billionaire Ex-New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg For President! "You know me," she explained. "I'm nuts!"    So Does Bloomberg News! Gee, what a surprise,    Less Than 30 Days Until The Iowa Primary Polls Show Jo...

Fake News Reports!    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "Will write jokes for food."    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "Hey, mom, is my old room still available?"    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "Can someone tell me the best restaurant dumpsters to eat out of?"    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "First Bowie... now THIS."    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "Honey, is it too late to talk you into an abortion?"    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "Who knew Qassem Soleimani was secretly keeping it afloat?"    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "But, Sleepy Joe, I don't WANT to learn how to code."    Lost My Job At CollegeHumor. "So much for my White Privilege."    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!    Dear John,      How do I get my husband to stop doing something I don't like when we're having sex?"      —Sore    Dear Sore,      Pretend you enjoy it.    Dear Christian,      Should guys groom, you know... down there?      —Sasquatch    Dear Sasquatch,      Of course men should nip and tuck and trim and groom.      When you get an erection, you don't want it to look like Pinocchio joined the Taliban.    Dear Christian,      How can I make my wife scream during sex?      —Curious    Dear Curious,      Easy.      When you're having sex, call her and tell her about it.    Confidential to Surprised: Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up. Unle...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!    Dear John,      I have a rich uncle and a poor cousin, and they are the most annoying people on earth. How can I get them out of my life?      —Desperate Dear Desperate,      Easy.      Just borrow money from the rich one, then turn around and lend it to the poor one.      You'll never see either of them ever again. Dear John,      What would you say is the definition of "making love"?      —Curious Dear Curious,      Making love is what a woman is doing while her man is selfishly having his filthy way with her. Dear John,      What does a cute puppy have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?      —Wondering Dear Wondering,      They both have wet noses. Confidential to Honest: When the fathers of the girls you d...

Fake News Reports!    Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Is Greeting The New Year With A Beard! And, no, I'm not talking about his wife.    Justin Trudeau, Canada's Blackface-Wearing Prime Minister, Is Moonwalking Into 2020 With A New Beard! "I think it makes me look like Isaac Hayes," he says, gushing like a little girl.    This Just In! One Dead And Three Injured In Ottawa Mass Shooting! Man, those anti-beard Canadians really take Justin Trudeau's new facial hair-growth seriously.    Iran's Supreme Leader Wept Bitter Tears Over The Death Of His Favorite Terrorist Qassem Soleimani! "Maybe blowing up a bus full of innocent children will help me feel better," he sobbed into his pillow.    Marijuana Prosecutions Have Dropped By Half In Texas! Yeah... and if you legalize murder you'd be surprised how fast the murder rate would go down, too.     U.S. Officials "Confident" Iran Shot Down Ukrai...

Fake News Reports!    Julian Castro Has Formally Ended His Campaign And Dropped Out Of The 2020 Presidential Race! I have no idea who he is.    This Just In! POPE SLAPS WOMAN!!! "Who's your daddy?" he demands to know.    Thousands Of Iranians Crowded The Streets Of Ahvaz Joint The Funeral Procession Of Slain Terrorist Qassem Soleimani! "It was either show up or be shot," one man grumbled honestly just before he was dragged through the streets and hung.    Qassem Soleimani's Daughter Threatens The United States With A "Dark Day." Um... that's called night. "What?" A dark day is called night. "Death to this infidel," she grumbles, flipping the switch to a light that doesn't work.    Iran Ends All Commitments To President Obama's 2015 Nuclear Deal! You mean the one they weren't honoring anyway? Yeah, that one.    Iconic Radio Legend Don Imus Has Died At The A...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine It's the same old story.      My father can't find his keys.      He's checked his room. The kitchen. The refrigerator. And he’s checked them again. Over and over. Many, many times.        "Somebody's gone into my room," he'll say.      "Nobody's gone into your room," I'll tell him.      "I know for a fact ,” he’ll insist.      "How do you know?" I’ll insist back.      "I just do," he'll say, and then he'll look right at me. "I don't know who, but someone's been in my room, and that someone took my keys."      I don't know why he singles me out when he’s saying that. Does he think it's me sneaking into his room absconding with keys I already have copies of?      My father is only two places...

Fake News Reports!    Democratic Leaders Condemn President Trump For Not Givng Them Advance Warning For The Killing Of Terrorist Qassem Soleimani! "How can we leak what you're going to do if you don't tell us first?"    Hollywood Has-Beens Rose McGowan & John Cusack Have Apologized To Iran For The United State's Killing Of Terrorist Qassem Soleimani! "Who are Rose McGowan & John Cusack?" wonders Iran, scratching its head.    New York Times Reporter Rukmini Callimachi Says The White House's Justification For Killing Terrorist Qassem Soleimani Is Based On Evidence That Is "Razor Thin" Because "I'd Rather Start World War Three Than Give President Trump The Benefit Of A Doubt."!      New York Times Correspondent Rukmini Callimachi Says It's "Hard To Decouple" Terrorist Qassem Soleimani's Recent "Killing From" President Trump's Three-Year "Impeachment Saga" Becau...