American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! I Just Saw A Television Commercial For The New York Times And Their New Motto Is: “Truth Takes A Journalist”! Does this mean they’re finally going to hire some? ********** An Angry New York Times Condemns An Opinion Piece Fact-Checked To Be False Calling For Teachers To “Tolerate Bullying Towards Unvaccinated Children” That Is Making Its Way Through Social Media! “Making up stories is OUR responsibility,” whine journalists everywhere. ********** Peter Dinklage Proves To Be A Racist By Claiming The Backlash To The Piece Of Crap “Game Of Thrones” Finale Was Because Fans “Wanted The Pretty White People To Ride Off Into The Sunset Together”! “I’m not the racist, YOU’RE the racist!” the sad little actor cried. ********** I’m not saying my mother-in-law talks too much, but has YOUR tongue ever gotten sunburned? ********** Missed my nap today.    Slept right through it. ********** USA Today Opinionates: “First COVID-Xi, Then Climate Change, Nursing Homes Jus...

  Fake News Reports! Things That Make Me Go Hmm: Concerning Senator Karen, Why Do The People In Charge Of Writing The Tax Code Complain The Most About The Way The Tax Code Is Written? ********** I’m not saying inflation is out of control, but last year it took both my wife and I to carry home a hundred dollars worth of groceries.   These days, I just hand the bag to my toddler. ********** I’m not saying my ex was easy, but when she wanted to get pregnant she saw the doctor. When that didn’t work, she saw the pool boy. ********** I’m not saying Elon Musk’s got too much money, but this Christmas he went up to Ol’ St. Nick and said, “Santa, what do YOU want?” ********** After Being “Disappeared” By Her Government, Chinese Tennis Star Peng Shuai Takes Back Her Accusation That She Was Raped By A Chinese Official! “And I’m not just saying that because I have a gun pointed at my head,” she affirmed. ********** Texas’ Premier Media Outlet “The Chron” Confirms That Governor Abbott Has ...

  Fake News Reports! THIS JUST IN: Brian Williams QUITS Television! America is “unrecognizable” in 2021, he laments. Well, Brian, do you think maybe YOU were part of the problem? “This isn’t about ME,” the man who says he invented blood answered. ********** The San Francisco Chronicle Reports That Kamala Harris Warns “Women will die!” If The Supreme Court Overturns Roe Vs Wade! “Better that we kill babies in the womb than to risk losing women who couldn’t be bothered to use birth control.” ********** In An Interview With The San Francisco Chronicle, Kamala Harris Has Definite Thoughts If The Supreme Court Should Overturn Roe Vs Wade! “Better that we kill babies in the womb than to inconvenience our menfolk.” ********** In An Interview With The San Francisco Chronicle, Kamala Harris Asks The Hard Questions Should The Supreme Court Overturn Roe Vs Wade! “Can you imagine the child support men would have to pay if they did that?” ********** After 18 Years, Chris Wallace Announces He Is...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine My wife lied to me.      “No, I didn’t,” she insisted.      But she did.       By omission, that is.      You see, every year we go to a Christmas Fair with my buddy Maloney and his wife, Gail. Local businesses set up booths there to sell their wares. This year, however, my beautiful wife “conveniently” forgot to tell me Maloney wasn’t coming. He played it smart and scheduled an appointment with an exterminator to fumigate his house. I’m not saying shopping with your wife is boring, but when a man would rather breathe poison, well, you tell me.      It cost five dollars to park in the underground garage, but a sign said no cash. Credit or debit only.       “What if you don’t have a credit or debit card?” I asked my wife. “By the time you see the sign, you’re stuck.”   ...

  Fake News Reports! Women made me fat. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima… ********** The Los Angeles Times Weighs In With Legal Experts Over Whether Or Not Alec Baldwin’s Television ABC News Interview Was A Risky Move! “Legal experts? I know better than legal experts. I’M Alec Baldwin!” ********** Daily Mail Celebrity Is Giddy To Announce The First Trailer For The  Harry Potter Reunion “Is HERE” And “It’s MAGICAL”! And—ABRACADABRA!—they made JK Rowling disappear just like THAT. ********** Reuters Reports Columbian Authorities Have Seized Hundreds Of Arachnids Being Illegally Smuggled Into Europe! Who knew Europe had a shortage of bugs? ********** After Tuesday’s Election, The Albuquerque Journal Reports That The Voters Complaining About Their City Council Have Voted The Same Politicians Back Into Office! ********** THIS JUST IN: Joe Biden Murders An Innocent Tree And Leaves It’s Decomposing Corpse For America To See! ********** Telegraph Global Health Security Wond...

Fake News Reports! The price of gas has gotten so high it’s become cheaper to buy cocaine and just run everywhere. ********** Jack Dorsey Announces He Is Stepping Down As Twitter CEO! In a related story: NO ONE CARES BUT JACK DORSEY! ********** THIS JUST IN: CNBC's Jim Cramer DEMANDS Joe Biden Impose A Nationwide Vaccine Mandate And Use The Military To Enforce It! “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!” he could be heard screaming as he was being led away from his studio. ********** A Team Of USA Today Reporters Studying 126 Years Of Federal Data Have Determined That Rainfall This Year Is High Due To Climate Change! Oh, how I long for the days when it never rained. ********** THIS JUST IN: Police Involved In A Shootout In NW Albuquerque! “Is it Thursday already?” police spokesman Gilbert Gallegos says, shaking his head. ********** In A Television Interview About The Fatal Movie Set Shooting Where Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins Was Tragically Killed, Alec Baldwin Reveals He “Didn’t Pull The Trigger...

Fake News Reports! I was married by a Justice of the Peace. Ironically, since then, I’ve had neither justice or peace. ********** A Toronto School Board Has CANCELED Yazidi Survivor & Nobel Peace Prize Winner Nadia Murad Because Her Story Of Being An ISIS Sex Slave “Would Foster Islamophobia”! “They’re such good boys,” wokes Superintendent Helen Fisher, defending the terrorists. ********** The Los Angeles Times Reports That Central California Hospitals Are FULL, So They Want To Send Their Covid Patients To Other Counties! “Forget that,” say the other counties. ********** Darrell Brooks Jr.—The Violent Felon Who Is Accused Of Killing Five People And Injuring Dozens By Driving His Car Into A Christmas Parade—To Appear In Court! “Now that’s OUR kind of hero,” fake news wokes, still stinging after the Rittenhouse verdict. ********** CBS’s Disgraced Stephen Colbert Insists If Kyle Rittenhouse “Didn’t Break The Law, We Should Change the Law”! What about Darrell Brooks Jr., The Violent Fe...

Fake News Reports! Pfizer Denies CEO Albert Bourla's Wife Myriam Has “Died From Complications Of The COVID-19 Vaccine”! “She’s perfectly fine,” a spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company said, “and is simply visiting Scientology leader David Miscavige’s wife, Shelly.” ********** On Christmas Day, Los Angeles’ Iconic Staples Center Will Change Their Name To The Crypto.com Arena! In an interesting coincidence, the original name of the iconic gospel group The Staple Singers was The Crypto.com Singers. ********** WTA Expresses Concern Over Missing Chinese Tennis Player Peng Shuai, Who Many Fear Has Come To Harm Via Her Communist Government! “Mind your own business,” advises NBA superstar LeBron James. “China knows what it’s doing.” ********** What Does The National Organization of Women (NOW) Have To Say About Missing Chinese Player Peng Shuai, Who Was Raped By A Chinese Official And Then "Disappeared" When She Reported It? "Did China keep her from having an abortion?...

   Fake News Reports! The Star Tribune reports that defendant “Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to draw the slips of paper from a raffle drum to determine the members of the jury from a pool of 18.” What other “highly unusual” moves has Judge Schroeder allowed in Kyle Rittenhouse’s self-defense trial? I’m glad you asked. ********** Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to fly into outer space with Star Trek’s William Shatner. ********** Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to check the assault rifle Prosecutor Binger pointed at the jury, and verify it was empty. ********** Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to throw a tailgater in the courthouse parking lot.  Everybody was invited. ********** Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to perform selections from Bizet’s opera Carmen for the beleaguered jury during a break in the proceedings. ***...

   Fake News Reports! Insider News Warns Us That Overwhelmingly White Juries Will Determine The Kyle Rittenhouse & Ahmaud Arbery Trials! Two more contested outcomes? When did fake news media start to sound like Trump? ********** Mark Hamill—Mr. Luke Skywalker Himself—Rips Aaron Rodgers A New Black Hole For Wearing A Star Wars Sweatshirt! “Oh, it has my picture on it?” Ka-CHING! ********** The Telegraph Is Reporting That Biden’s America Is Warning The European Union To Prepare For A Russian Invasion Of The Ukraine! “Putin’s YOUR problem, suckas.” ********** Prosecution Delivers Powerful Closing Argument To Jury In The Rittenhouse Self-Defense Trial! “We are so sorry for wasting your time.” ********** Dateline: Kenosha, Wisconsin  Kyle Rittenhouse—The Most Dangerous Man In The World—Is Allowed To Stand Next To Judge Schroeder During His Self-Defense Trial Without Any Security Or Shackles Or Objections From The Prosecution! There were no survivors. ********** New Mexico Muse...

   Fake News Reports! The San Francisco Chronicle Reports That A California Lab Will Grow 400,000 Pounds A Year Of Meat Grown From Animal Cells! “That’s the easy part,” a spokesman for Upside Foods said.” “The hard part is finding someone who will eat it.” ********** The AP Reports That 55-Year-Old Salma Hayek Felt Like The Mom On The Set Of Marvel’s ‘Eternals’! “They were like my children,” the busty ‘Desperado’ actress laughed, “and a second didn’t go by that one of them didn’t want to be breastfed.” ********** On His Show Today, Shock Jock Howard Stern Goes Off On Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers And His Stand Against The Miracle Trump Vaccine! “Caca! Peepee! Poopoo!” he flatulated. ********** Is it just me, or can Kim Kardasian do a lot better than Pete Davidson? ********** Variety Reports That Marvel’s Black Panther Sequel Has Shut Down Due To Star Letitia Wright Being Injured! By any chance, does anybody know if Alec Baldwin was on that set? ********** Eight-Year-Old Fiona ...