American Chimpanzee

I can't tell you how happy I was that people got the joke.      Even PETA, who's not known for its sense of humor, reached out a friendly hand via lawsuit, the only known way they communicate, to express their appreciation concerning my effort to satirize animal stereotypes.      I rescued my pit bull from the local pound. He had been found abandoned in the desert. Thirsty. Hungry. Scared. Wearing a collar way too tight for him. No chip. Scars here and there.      "Who's going to adopt this poor guy? I wondered.      PT Barnum was famously quoted as saying, "There's a sucker born every minute," and, by adopting him, I proved I was born at the one minute mark.      Now, I can either shake my fist at the sky about how pit bulls are misunderstood or I could write something showing how ridiculous those misunderstandings are.      With  Pit Bull Facts  (8-8-25), I chose the later.   ...

  My father likes going to the doctor.       He sees it as a social outing.       He likes to flirt with the receptionist who checks us in, the nurse who takes his vitals, and the nurse practitioner who sees him when the doctor is unavailable.       He'll make a joke to the receptionist...      "I should bring my dog here," he'll say.      "Really?" the poor girl will answer. "Why?"      "Because he's a Dalmatian and he keeps seeing spots!"      ...and if it gets a laugh, he'll repeat it to the nurse, the nurse practitioner, and anybody else who makes the mistake of making eye contact.      But usually when he's funny it's unintentional.       "...he keeps seeing spots! "       "That's funny," the doctor said without laughing, having perhaps heard them all before. "Now, what seems to be the problem?"   ...

Pit Bulls can learn up to 43 different commands... but the only one they'll respond to is "KILL!" A Pit Bulls' bark is very expressive, but they'd rather let their teeth do the talking. Pit Bulls don't have owners. They have future victims. You're alive only because a Pit Bull hasn't decided to kill you yet. When a woman is pregnant, a Pit Bull doesn't see the unborn baby as a future member of the family. It sees the child as competition. Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco because a Pit Bull ripped it out of his chest and he was afraid to ask for it back. Freddy Krueger can attack you through your dreams, but you know what attacks Freddy Krueger through  his  dreams? That's right, a Pit Bull. That’s not the world Atlas holds on his shoulders. It’s a ball. The ball he and his Pit Bull play catch with.  Pit Bulls have over 97 different synonyms for the word "kill," but only one word for humans: Dead. A Pit Bull's idea of i...

When on vacation, sometimes the best entertainment comes from eating at a restaurant.       You have people from all over the country, perhaps the world, sitting in one room eavesdropping on the conversations going on at the tables next to them. Some of those people even managing to scarf down a forkful of food in the process.        When I was in line to order my vegetarian meatballs at IKEA, (see 7-7-2025's  IKEA Is Not For MEA ) the lady in front of me ordered the soup du jour . The very nice cafeteria worker served her a bowl and handed it to her with a friendly, "Here you go, ma'am."       Taking one look at the contents, the lady complained, "Excuse me, sir, but I've had soup du jour  before and this certainly isn't it!"       When it was my turn I asked for extra mashed potatoes.       "They're as mashed as mashed can be," the server told me.     ...

 I was thinking about mansplaining.       Is there even such a thing?       I mean, men mansplain and women nag. Isn’t that just the normal order of things? For example, when I give my wife directions, I know to stay away from words like “turn ”  and  “ left.”       I know it’s a cliche, but, besides nagging, women also can’t keep a secret. Men can, but that’s mainly because we’re not listening to anything we’re told.       “You only hear what you want to hear,” my wife once complained during a fiery, but mostly peaceful, discussion.      “Yes, I’d love a cold beer,” I answered.       That ended the argument, but that also ended her talking to me for a few days after that.       Can you believe she once got mad at me because I followed her directions of taking the sheets from the dryer and putting them on the bed?    ...

First stop on our vacation was Universal Studios.       My family and I hadn't been there since two decades before The Great Toilet Paper Shortage, so I wasn't prepared for how it had changed.       To get there we had to drive through the area where L.A. had been rioting just the week before. Remember, kids, rioting is hard work, so don't forget to stop and smell the teargas.       Myself, I was hoping to liberate a big screen TV that was being unlawfully detained by the government, but apparently California cleans up nicely after a riot. When President Trump sent in the National Guard to settle things down, Gavin Newsom must have given them all brooms and told them to sweep up the place.       The last time we went to Universal Studios  in the early George Bush 2000s we stayed at the Holiday Inn owned by the lovely actress Beverly Garland. I remember her most for playing the mother of Laura Holt ...