Sunday, October 7, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Blogtober Edition!

You know you're a loser when you're able to write your Last Will & Testament on Twitter.
It takes a monster to make a monster.
I'm not half as great as I think I am.
But that's still pretty good.
An Ouija board is a doorway between the supernatural and the gullible.
I'm not saying I procrastinate, but my smoke detector comes with a snooze button.
Good morning, Democrats!
Whose life shall we destroy today?
I have a great exercise program.
I run late ALL the time.
Success 101
Nothing is impossible.
The word itself says "I'm possible."
Self-delusion is the same as success, only you don't have to work as hard.
I try to live each day like it's my birthday.
I eat more cake that way.
Old age doesn't sneak up on you gradually.
It attacks you overnight.
American Chimpanzee

Monday, October 1, 2018

My Wife Is A Great Cook

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
My wife's a great cook.
    In fact, she's such a great cook she can even make English food taste good, and any food you have to put vinegar on to improve the flavor of, well, let's just say you'd have to admit that it would be a challenge. She makes everything from scratch, and doesn’t mind spending hours in the kitchen preparing a delectable feast for those she loves.
    I include myself in that group.
    One time, my beloved mother, when she was still alive and my wife wasn't around, asked me who the better cook was.
    I was diplomatic, but honest.
    “Mom,” I told her, “when it comes to cooking Mexican food, you're the best, but my wife's the better cook when it comes to cooking different kinds of food.”
    Since Mexican food is all my mother ever made, she was happy with my answer.
    Recently, my wife made some delicious fried rice. It had corn, it had peas, it had carrots, but what it mainly had were large chunks of perfectly seasoned chicken. Moist and tender.
    Just like my wife.
    I served myself. My father, on the other hand, likes to be served or he won't eat. He's old-school that way. Myself, I don't believe in going hungry.
    To be honest, my wife serving my father is something I’m always a little irked by, but who else is going to do it? Me? I’m not thoughtful that way. I figure, if you can make it to the table, you can get your own plate.
    That reminds me of the old saying about fish. If you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime, but if you GIVE a man a fish, he’ll beat you with it and steal the rest from you. Anyway…
    Napkin, utensils, drink, dinner, dessert... it was all on the table. All he had to do was sit and eat, and sitting and eating is what he does best. Even when my father isn't feeling well he still has a healthy appetite. Once, when he was on one of his many deathbeds, my mother asked him why he wanted her to make him a snack.
    “Honey,” he told her, very sincerely, “it's not my stomach's fault I'm sick.”
    Anyway, the fried rice was great, and I made it a point to tell my wife just that. She smiled that modest smile of hers.
    She knew it was great.
    My father, meanwhile, was still chowing down. Chomp, chomp, chomp! He cleaned his plate in record time. If he was a kid, I could imagine him lifting the plate to his face and licking it clean.
    “Did you like the fried rice, pop?” I asked him.
    It was obvious he did.
    “Did you like it?”
    “Like what?”
    “The fried rice.”
    “The fried rice?”
    “Did I like it?”
    “It was good,” he told me, “but the chicken was kind of tough.”
    My wife didn’t meet anyone’s eyes. She just got up from the table and walked away.
    For the record, my wife has never made a tough piece of chicken in her life.
    “Where's she going?” my father--the diplomat--asked, and then looked around to see who was going to serve him seconds, thirds, and maybe even fourths.
    The thing of it is, that's my father's idea of a compliment.
    I may have already told you this story. If I have, well, get ready to hear it again. My wife and I took my parents on a three day/four night cruise to Mexico. As we stood there walking along the beautiful Ensenada beach, my father told us, “You know, I’ve been to beaches prettier than this one.”
    See what I mean?
    If not, let me tell you about one particularly hot summer when my parent’s air conditioner finally gave up the ghost. Out of the goodness of my heart (and with a little nudging from my wife) I decided to buy them a new one. The store we bought it from gave us a day and a time it would be delivered and installed. I made it a point to be there just in case, you know, anything went wrong. Like my father kicking the workers off his property before they were finished with the installation, for example.
    The workers got up on the roof and removed the old air conditioner, the one that came with the house. When they brought it down to ground level, my father and I took a look at it. Yeah, it was past its expiration date.
    Just like my ex-wife.
    But I digress...
    The workers then retrieved a huge box from their work van. As they tore the cardboard open, my father examined his new air conditioner closely.
    “Plastic?” he complained. “It's made out of plastic? Where'd you buy it, the dollar store?”
     No, actually I bought it at Sears, and, for the record, only the shell of the air conditioner was made out of a hard plastic. Everything on the inside was quality merchandise. Plastic makes sense. It's a way to save money, sell it for less, and make it lighter to transport. I won't mention the actual brand I bought, although I have a politician’s healthy appreciation for payola, but it was a name brand and the model I bought was top of the line. It was actually more air conditioner than they needed.
    “Don’t ruin your generosity, son,” he advised me, “by being cheap.”
    Like I said, that's my father's way of giving a compliment.
And you can send YOUR compliments to,, or @JimDuchene.

American Chimpanzee

Saturday, September 22, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Serena Williams Edition!

Success 101
You'll know you're successful the first time you hear someone brag that they knew you in high school.
Save The Whales!
Unless they taste good.
Expert: A person who may not have all the answers, but is sure he could get them with the proper funding.
I'm at an age where lunch tires me out.
Fake News Reports!
Colin Kaepernick Is The New Face Of Nike!
Congratulations, Nike.
You've just re-elected President Trump.
Fake News Reports!
Pastor Charles H. Ellis III GROPES Ariana Grande At Aretha Franklin's Funerals On LIVE TV!
And what did her fiancé Pete Davidson do?
He was too busy hiding behind Ann Coulter's mini-skirt.
My first marriage was like my ex at the gym...
It just didn't work out.
Fake News Reports!
Serena Williams LOSES Open Final In Controversial Match!
Accuses Chair Umpire Of Being Sexist!
"That's COMPLETELY untrue," the chair umpire defended himself. "I'm a RACIST."
Fake News Reports!
Detroit Food Truck Owner REFUSES To Serve Law Enforcement Officers!
"Hey, why am I being constantly robbed all of a sudden?" he wonders, now that all the cops are gone.
I hate saying I told you so.
That's a lie...
I LOVE saying I told you so.
The secret to my staying fit is my extensive long-distance jogging regimen.
Every day I run one lap around my ex.
Fake News Reports!
"Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams!"
What about the girl who beat her?
Experts say that running will add three years to your life.
Unfortunately, those three years are spent running.
Fake News Reports!
Hurricane Florence Will Be DEVESTATING!
In other words, it will be just like every other hurricane that's ever happened.
"Uh, yeah."
My wife wants to buy our baby organic diapers.
I tell her our baby takes care of that herself.
Fake News Reports!
The Hannover Zoo in Germany is sending its last orangutan to Louisiana.
"We found out its name was Sid Rosenberg," they explained, sheepishly.
Tomorrow seems like a good day to stop procrastinating.
Success 101
When your work speaks for itself...
Don't interrupt.
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when an enchanted frog was going to ask her for a kiss, he settled for a handshake instead.
Real discipline is when you can pick strawberries without eating any.
A man's home is his castle.
But he's only in charge of cleaning the moats.
I'm multilingual.
I can borrow money in 14 different languages.
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac.
Every time I get sick, I think it's nothing.
Tiger sharks need to make up their minds.
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Lest You Think

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine 
Lest you think I consider my father a burden, I don't.
    It's just if all I wrote about were unicorns and rainbows, both you and I would be bored. Besides, I find everything my father does incredibly entertaining. Maybe not at the time, but, you know, when I look back. Now I understand the saying, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." I'm not laughing at my father, because I'm just like him. I'm laughing with him, because I can see what the future has in store for me.
    Old age takes pity on no one.
    One of the reasons we bought this particular house is because it had a small guest house in the front where we knew my father could live and have his privacy. It was a way for him to keep his independence, yet let us keep an eye on him at the same time. In his home away from home he has his own TV with its own satellite signal. Now that I think about it, his TV gets more stations than mine does. He has a radio/CD player. Telephone. Refrigerated air. Heck, it sounds so good, I think I'm going to start living there.
    The problem is he likes to watch TV in the main house, and that forces everybody else to watch TV someplace else. While he's busy hogging the TV, he's also busy complaining our house is too cold.
    "Why don't you put on a sweater, dad?" my wife will ask him.
    "I don't want to wear a sweater."
    "But, if you're cold, a sweater might help warm you up."
    "The problem isn't that I'm cold, the problem is that the house is cold."
    So my wife will feel sorry for him, turn up the heat, and the rest of us have to suffer.
    "Pop," I've told him, sweating like a pig, "maybe you'd be more comfortable watching TV in your room."
    "I don’t think so."
    "You could watch what you want to watch."
    "I do that here."
    "You could have your house as warm as you want."
    "I don't know, it's pretty warm here. Except when it's cold."
    So what can I do? I sit in a hot house watching something on TV that doesn't particularly entertain me, and, man, I hate the heat. I try to avoid it like it was the police. You can dress for the cold. You can put on a sweater, you can wear a scarf, but there's nothing you can do about the heat. When it's hot, it's just hot.
    The times I beat my father to the TV, he'll come in, sit down, and watch for a bit. Then he'll look at me, and then back at the TV. At me, then the TV. Me. The TV.
    "There's not a baseball game on?" he'll ask no one in particular.
    He knows perfectly well there's a baseball game on. In fact, we pay extra for an entire channel devoted to nothing but baseball games for him. So, at any given time, my father can watch one if he wants to...  and he always wants to.
    "This show's pretty good, pop. You should give it a chance."
    "Oh, okay," he’ll say.  And he'll watch. For awhile. Then he'll look at me, and then back at the TV. At me, then the TV. Me. The TV.
    "There's not a baseball game on?"
    My wife will eventually feel sorry enough for him to change the channel from whatever it is I'm watching.
    "Can you also turn up the heat?" he'll ask her. "It's too cold in here."
    Once again, I can't watch my programs. I think he pretends to watch baseball on the outside, and laughs at me on the inside.
    "Heh, heh, heh," he laughs to himself. "Heh, heh, heh."
    Trust me, I understand why my father prefers watching baseball. He's hard of hearing, so it's difficult for him to follow the stories on the programs I watch. Baseball, he understands, and when he can't hear the color commentators, he makes it up himself.
    "You know," he'll say, in between chewing on the snacks my lovely wife provides. Smack, smack, smack. "These games are fixed."
    "Are they, pop?"
    "Yeah--smack, smack--fixed. I don't even know why I watch them."
    “I don’t either.”
    The bases might be loaded, and the batter will hit a home run.
    "See?  I knew he was going to hit a home run. I had that feeling--smack, smack, smack--the games are fixed--smack--I knew they were going to win the game."
    "Did you, pop?"
    "Ahhh, yeah. They're all fixed so the owners can make more money." He'll laugh, and shake his head a bit. "I don't know, I don't know. How else can you explain their scoring four runs and winning?"
    "Maybe the batter just hit a home run, pop. I mean, somebody has to win."
    "Nah, they're fixed. How else can you explain it?"
    By this time my wife will have already gone upstairs to bed.
    "Goodnight, pop," I'll tell him.
    "Huh… ahh... wha?"
    "I'm going to bed, pop. Can you turn off the TV and lights before you go to bed?"
    "Sure, son. Don't worry."
    And then, sometime in the middle of the night, I'll wake up, go check the locks, and find the TV, the lights, and the heater all on. The door leading out of our house and to his will be unlocked, and my father will be in his room. Sleeping like a baby. He knows how to turn everything off, but for some reason he won't do it.
    Maybe that's his way of paying me back for not letting him watch baseball.
Lest you think I’ve forgotten, you can find more nonsense at,, and @JimDuchene.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, September 2, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Double-RIP Edition!

Success 101:
An ounce of gold cannot buy a second of time.
Things That Make Me Go Hmm...
Why aren't there any FAT vampires?
Economist: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.
A galss of wine at night may decrease the risk of heart attacks, but it INCRREASES the risk of pregnancy.
I may look like a frog, but I'm really an enchanted prince. You can break the spell... giving me your credit card number.
Sports Fan: Someone who yells at an athlete for being an idiot, and then can't find his own car in the parking lot after the game.
I've eaten so much I can't move.
Not that I planned to.
Things That Make Me Go Hmm...
You know what I never see?
I never see a fat guy who's old.
The Good Old Days
A time when my hair had more body, and my body had less hair.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, August 26, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Before Labor Day Edition!

Corner Bakery Café motto:
"Feed The Day".
Why would I want to feed the day when I'M the one who's hungry?
Men reach old age before they reach maturity.
I'm going to the store for a few things.
I'll be back in about two hundred dollars.
Fake News Reports!
Black Lives MATTER!
Except in Chicago.
Did you hear about the new economy car?
It comes with an airbag you have to blow up yourself.
Fake News Reports!
Stuttering John UPSET That Howard Stern Is Releasing A New Book TWO WEEKS Before His!
Don't worry, John.
Your book wasn't going to sell any copies anyway.
Smokey Bear Says: "Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires."
That's a lot of responsibility for just one person.
Fake News Reports!
Aretha Franklin!
Sadly, there's a lot of that going around.
Success 101
Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.
The best time to be a vegetarian is between meals.
Someone who travels somewhere else to experience something different, and then complains when they aren't the same.
What's left after you've forgotten everything you've ever learned in school.
A person with nothing on their minds and the power to express it.
I put a seashell to my ear...
...and got a busy signal.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special J.Lo Still Single Edition!

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!
My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.
When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people?"
Fake News Reports!
In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!
I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?
Fake News Reports!
What the fudge, Trump?
With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already.
On Hollywood!
I'm FOR what works.
I'm AGAINST what doesn't work.
When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?
That cloud looks like a dog.
That cloud looks like a pony.
And that cloud looks like--THUNDER!--trouble.
Fake News Reports!
Tom Arnold Says President Trump "is obviously a racist" who "doesn't like black guys."
That would mean more if I knew who Tom Arnold was.
I just found out my ex is mad at me and swears she'll never speak to me again.
Who says God doesn't answer prayers?
Fake News Reports!
As your elected official, I won't be satisfied until I've dotted every "i", crossed every "t", and double-crossed every voter.
In a time of drone attacks, guided missiles, and self-driving vehicles... nothing will ever replace our soldiers.
SOMEBODY has to clean up the mess.
For me, reading a book is like eating a big meal...
It makes me sleepy.
It says what it says, and what it says it says.
What's wrong with the government?
I'll TELL you what's wrong with the government...
It doesn't do enough for ME!
I can't afford another mid-life crisis.
When I married my ex, I thought my ship had come in.
Who knew it would be the Titanic?
Fake News Reports!
Guatemala First Lady visits illegal alien children from her country housed at Texas CBP facility to make sure the U.S. is properly taking care of them.
Did she take any back home with her?
"Heck, no! We don't want them either!"
Fake News Reports!
After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.
Good Results: This Way >
Bad Results: < That Way
Can't decide?
Take your time.
When life hands you lemons...
Re-gift it.
What do I say about our politicians acting like children?
I say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!"
Fake News Reports!
In explaining President Trump's presidential upset over Hillary Clinton, LeBron James--the Freddy Corleone of the NBA--said, "I don't think a lot of people was educated."
Like him was, I suppose.
What disappears every time you make a U-turn?
A parking space.
Fake News Reports!
Lance Bass Has Brady Bunch House SNATCHED From Him In Real Estate Bidding War!
"That's the first time I've ever had anything to do with a snatch," the former NSYNC singer says.
My ex built a robot, and then gave it Artificial Intelligence.
Now even it wants nothing to do with her.
Fake News Reports!
Jennifer Lopez Says She DOESNT Want To Marry Alex Rodriguez!
"I don't want to jinx our relationship," she explains. "Plus, he changes the subject every time I bring it up."
American Chimpanzee