You know you're a loser when you're able to write your Last Will & Testament on Twitter.
It takes a monster to make a monster.
I'm not half as great as I think I am.
But that's still pretty good.
An Ouija board is a doorway between the supernatural and the gullible.
I'm not saying I procrastinate, but my smoke detector comes with a snooze button.
Good morning, Democrats!
Whose life shall we destroy today?
I have a great exercise program.
I run late ALL the time.
Nothing is impossible.
The word itself says "I'm possible."
Self-delusion is the same as success, only you don't have to work as hard.
I try to live each day like it's my birthday.
I eat more cake that way.
Old age doesn't sneak up on you gradually.
It attacks you overnight.