Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special J.Lo Still Single Edition!

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!
 
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!
 
My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.
  
When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people?"
 
Fake News Reports!
In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!
 
I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?
 
Fake News Reports!
What the fudge, Trump?
With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already.
On Hollywood!
 
I'm FOR what works.
I'm AGAINST what doesn't work.
When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?
 
That cloud looks like a dog.
That cloud looks like a pony.
And that cloud looks like--THUNDER!--trouble.
 
Fake News Reports!
Tom Arnold Says President Trump "is obviously a racist" who "doesn't like black guys."
That would mean more if I knew who Tom Arnold was.
 
I just found out my ex is mad at me and swears she'll never speak to me again.
Who says God doesn't answer prayers?
 
Fake News Reports!
As your elected official, I won't be satisfied until I've dotted every "i", crossed every "t", and double-crossed every voter.
 
In a time of drone attacks, guided missiles, and self-driving vehicles... nothing will ever replace our soldiers.
SOMEBODY has to clean up the mess.
 
For me, reading a book is like eating a big meal...
It makes me sleepy.
 
It says what it says, and what it says it says.
 
What's wrong with the government?
I'll TELL you what's wrong with the government...
It doesn't do enough for ME!
 
I can't afford another mid-life crisis.
 
When I married my ex, I thought my ship had come in.
Who knew it would be the Titanic?
 
Fake News Reports!
Guatemala First Lady visits illegal alien children from her country housed at Texas CBP facility to make sure the U.S. is properly taking care of them.
Did she take any back home with her?
"Heck, no! We don't want them either!"
 
Fake News Reports!
After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.
 
Good Results: This Way >
Bad Results: < That Way
Can't decide?
Take your time.
 
When life hands you lemons...
Re-gift it.
 
What do I say about our politicians acting like children?
I say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!"
 
Fake News Reports!
In explaining President Trump's presidential upset over Hillary Clinton, LeBron James--the Freddy Corleone of the NBA--said, "I don't think a lot of people was educated."
Like him was, I suppose.
 
What disappears every time you make a U-turn?
A parking space.
 
Fake News Reports!
Lance Bass Has Brady Bunch House SNATCHED From Him In Real Estate Bidding War!
"That's the first time I've ever had anything to do with a snatch," the former NSYNC singer says.
 
My ex built a robot, and then gave it Artificial Intelligence.
Now even it wants nothing to do with her.
 
Fake News Reports!
Jennifer Lopez Says She DOESNT Want To Marry Alex Rodriguez!
"I don't want to jinx our relationship," she explains. "Plus, he changes the subject every time I bring it up."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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Saturday, August 11, 2018

Don't Tell Your Mother

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
desertexposure.com
 
There’s an old joke:
    An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely, so he immediately went to his doctor. After many failed attempts at communication, the doctor finally looked in the old man’s ear and discovered the problem. He asked his nurse for some forceps, and then used them to extract a suppository from the old man’s ear canal.
    “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor told him, showing it to him.
    “Oh, my goodness,” the old man replied. “What the heck did I do with my hearing aid?”
    I told you last month that my father uses a hearing aid, sometimes to what he thinks is his advantage, but I've never told you how I found out.
    Back when my beloved mother was still alive, I used to go over and join them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. My mother was an old-school cook, so for breakfast she would fry up some bacon, cook the eggs in the grease, and then refry some refried beans in what was left over.
    It was delicious.
    That’s what she would call a healthy breakfast, and--you know what?--there are some nutritionists who would agree with her. Dr. Robert Atkins is one. Vinnie Tortorich is another. I’ve heard him on the Adam Corolla podcast, and he says there’s nothing wrong with red meat and saturated fats. Grains and simple carbohydrates, on the other hand, are what’s making our nation fat. I can’t tell you what’s true, all I can say is we’re a pretty fat nation. Anyway...
    "Go see if your father is awake," she told me one such Saturday. "Tell him his coffee is ready."
    So I did.
    I walked down to my parent's room and knocked on the door.
    There was no answer.
    So I knocked again.
    Still no answer.
    "Pop," I called out.
    Nothing.
    "Pop!"
    Nothing.
    "POP!"
    Finally, he answered.
    "What?" he yelled back.
    "IT'S ME!"
    "Who?"
    "YOUR SON!"
    "What do you want?"
    "Are you awake?"
    "What?"
    "ARE YOU AWAKE?"
    "You're talking to me, aren't you?"
    My father, the comedian.
    "MOM SAID TO TELL YOU YOUR COFFEE'S READY!"
    "What?"
    "MOM SAID TO TELL YOU YOUR COFFEE'S READY!"
    "WHAT?"
    "MOM SAID TO TELL YOU YOUR COFFEE'S READY!"
    There was a pause.
    "Come in," he ordered.
    I guess, so he could hear me better.
    I knew my father's hearing had been getting steadily worse for some time, just like my hearing is doing these days, but I had never had this kind of trouble conversing with him before.
    When I opened the door and looked in, I saw why.
    He was already fully dressed, and sitting on the bed with his legs over the side. I saw him reach into his nightstand and pull out two small devices that he put deep into his ears. I was surprised, to say the least.
    "Pop?" I said.
    "What?" he said back.
    "How long have you had hearing aids?"
    He thought about it.
    "Oh, I've had them for a while now."
    Now it was my time to think about it.
    "Mom must be happy," I said, finally.
    "About what?"
    "That you've got hearing aids."
    "Oh," he said, matter of factly, "I haven't told her yet."
    "You haven't?"
    "No."
    "Why?"
    "Because," he said, in his don't-tell-your-mother tone, "I like hearing what she says about me when she thinks I can't hear."
 
If a deaf person swears, does their mother wash his hands with soap?
Find out at RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, or @JimDuchene. 
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Looney Clooney Edition!

Life is a highway.
Mondays are the potholes.
 
Fake News Wonders...
How far can a plane fly if BOTH its engines fail?
All the way to the ground.
 
Fake News Reports!
After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.
 
Fake News Reports!
57-Year-Old George Clooney!
CRASHES!
His SCOOTER!
You're rich, George.
What are you doing riding a scooter?
 
Fake News Reports!
57-Year-Old George Clooney Crashes His Scooter!
The other driver involved was heard to mutter: "THAT'S for Ocean's Thirteen!"
   

Fake News Reports!
57-Year-Old George Clooney Crashes His Scooter!
I've seen the footage.
It's the best thing Clooney has done in years.
 
Fake News Reports!
23 People In A Tour Boat Bombarded By A Lava Bomb!
From Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano!
You know, I remember a time when people used to be smart enough to RUN AWAY from an erupting volcano.
 
Either the older I get the smarter I get, or the older I get the dumber YOU get.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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Friday, July 20, 2018

Dear John: Special "Ain't Got Much To Say" Edition!

Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
 
Dear John,
     I'm worried about a close friend I have known for about ten years. She's well-educated, independent, and family-oriented. She has been online dating for quite a while and continually meets guys who have criminal backgrounds.
     She dated one of them on the down low for two years because she was embarrassed by how he behaved in public. The most recent man served a 16-year prison sentence for being involved in a murder.
     She tells me she doesn't see a future with any of them, but goes on multiple dates and defends them with, "He seems like a nice guy." In the next breath, she'll claim to want a meaningful relationship.
     I have voiced my concerns. I asked her what she'd say to me if the tables were turned, and her responses mimic the concern I show her. I suggested she try a different website or mode of meeting potential partners.
     I believe in second chances, up to a point, but now I'm genuinely worried for her safety.
     Is there anything else I can do to convince her to have safer boundaries?
     —Scared
 
Dear Scared,
No.
 
 
Dear John,
     Is it normal for men to sulk or get angry when they don't get sex when they want it? I've been married to my husband for more than 30 years. I run several miles a day and, with all the work I do, I don't always feel like having sex. Lately, I have been under a lot of stress, so I haven't been in the mood.
     The other night, he did his usual sulking. Then, as he often does, he tossed about in bed, repeatedly and roughly, while I was trying to sleep. The whole bed shook. Another night, he stuck his elbow in my ribs. "Foreplay," he called it.
     Sometimes he'll grab my butt really hard while I'm trying to sleep--in the middle of the night, mind you. I end up having sex with him so he leaves me alone and I can sleep.
     I have tried sleeping in another bed in another room, but he comes to that room and repeatedly kicks the mattress. If I lock the door, he kicks it. And kicks it, and kicks it, and kicks it, until I open it and have sex with him. I only do it so I can have some peace.
     Do most men do this when they don't get sex?
 —Sulking Spouse
 
Dear Sulking,
Yes.
 
 
Dear John,
     I'm wondering how to deal with friends who take advantage of my big-box store memberships. It seems as if they are avoiding the cost of membership, while reaping the benefits at my time and expense. They either ask if I mind picking up a particular item for them ("I'll pay you later."), or if I will take them to the store personally so they can slowly meander up and down every aisle and carefully look at each item that catches their eye. My friends are well off financially, so I don't know why they're inconveniencing me.
     Am I wrong to feel imposed upon?
 —Imposed Upon
 
Dear Imposed,
Maybe.
 
Confidential to Urgent:
Whatever.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, July 14, 2018

John 11:35 Revisited

When Jesus was on the road to Canaan, He came upon a man who was weeping.
     "Why do you weep, my son?" Jesus asked him.
     "Because I am blind," the man told him, so Jesus touched him and he could see.
     Further down the road, Jesus came upon another man who was weeping.
     "And why do you weep, my son?" Jesus again asked.
     "Because, my Lord, I have leprosy," the man explained, so Jesus touched HIM and he was healed.
     Still further down the road, Jesus came upon a third man and he was weeping most bitterly of all.
     "Tell me, my son," Jesus said softly, "why do YOU weep?"
     "Because," the man answered, "Donald Trump's been elected president."
     And so Jesus sat by him and they BOTH wept together.
     Thus sayeth the Lord.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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@JimDuchene
 

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Conservatives #5

Airports... if the ACLU had their way.
  Image result for woman won't clean up dog poop gif
 
   
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Monday, July 9, 2018

Conservatives #4

Conservative speakers... if college students and faculty had their way.
 
Related image
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Sunday, July 8, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Fake News Edition!

Nuclear power plants are like, Communism, they're the best idea available... until people get involved.
 
I've got Friday off, but I don't want to waste it doing nothing.
That's why I bought a six-pack.
 
As an attorney, it's my duty to represent the dregs of humanity. Robbers. Rapists. Murderers. There's only one kind of criminal I won't defend...
The Broke.
 
This Just In!
Celebrities Such As America Ferrera. Lin-Manuel Miranda, & Alicia Keys March For Illegal Immigrants At A Saturday Rally In Washington!
"Just keep them out of OUR gated communities," they qualified.
 
This Just In!
The Possible Liberal Democrat Pro-Abortion & Pro-Illegal Immigrant Timmy Kinner Allegedly Slashes Kids & Refugees In A Rampage At A 3-Year-Old's Birthday Party To Possibly Protest President Trump's Separation Policy & Supreme Court Nominee, Fake News May Have Reported!
 
This Just In!
Possible Maxine Waters Supporter Timmy Kinner May Have Taken Her Anti-Trump Call To Arms Too Seriously When, At A 3-Year-Old's Birthday Party, He Allegedly Attacked Kids & Refugees Whom He Could Have Thought Were Trump Supporters, Fake News Speculates.
 
This Just In!
Knife-Wielding Timmy Kinner Terrorizes 3-Year-Old's Birthday Party In Boise, Idaho!
Fake News Desperately Tries To Tie It To A Pro-Illegal Immigrant "Families Belong Together" Rally That Happened Hours Before & Miles Away!
   
Fake News Reports!
Black Female Leaders Say Maxine Waters Treated Unfairly!
"And you can trust us because we're black and we're female."
 
Fake News Reports!
Woman Calls Police On African-American Representative Campaigning Door-To-Door!
Now, is she a racist like Fake News implies, or is she just that asshole neighbor everybody seems to have?
 
Fake News Reports!
Protester In Custody After Climbing Statue of Liberty!
"Yeah, I'm a dumbass," she admits.
 
Fake News Reports!
3.3 Million-Year-Old Fossil Shows That Prehistoric Toddlers CLIMBED TREES!
You know, just like kids do now.
 
Fake News Reports!
Former President Obama Says Every Man Should Ask Three Questions Before Choosing His Mate.
"And then shut up and agree with them for the rest of your sad life."
 
Fake News Reports!
Fishermen Accuse U.S. Border Patrol Of Straying Into Canadian Waters Chasing Migrants!
And you know fishermen...
"We never lie."
 
Fake News Reports!
Fishermen Accuse U.S. Border Patrol Of Straying Into Canadian Waters Chasing Migrants!
Now, what migrants are sneaking into the U.S. from Canada?
"Uh... gotta go," the fishermen exit, stage left.
 
Fake News Reports!
Cruise Ship Worker Rescued 22 Hours After Going Overboard!
Why, when the same thing happened to my ex, all they could say was: "There's nothing we can do."?
 
Fake News Reports!
Cruise Ship Worker Rescued 22 Hours After Going Overboard!
When the same thing happened to my ex and they didn't even try to save her, all I could say was:
"Thank you!"
 
Fake News Reports!
Texas health Officials Investigate 56 Cases Of People Sick From Parasites!
Investigation stalls when it's determined these parasites are actually local politicians.
 
Fake News Reports!
No Matter What A Business Owner Believes, Customers Should Not Be Denied Service Because They're Gay.
Unless they're gay AND conservative!
  
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Conservatives #3

The United States... if liberal Democrats had their way:
 


Related image
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Conservatives #2

Conservatives (the one on the ground)... if Maxine Waters had her way:
 
Image result for reginald denny gif
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Friday, July 6, 2018

Conservatives #1

Conservatives... if the Red Hen Restaurant had its way:
 
Image result for starving auschwitz survivors
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene
 

Sunday, July 1, 2018

You Can't Help The Stupid

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
desertexposure.com
 
"I've got some bad news," my buddy Maloney told me.
     It had been awhile since I'd heard from him, so I picked up my phone and gave him a call.
     "How's it going?" he said, when he answered.
     I took his inquiry at face value and began to tell him about my neighbors next door, the ones with the yappy little dogs. They had the Orkin pest control guy over, but he must have dropped the ball because my neighbors were still there the next day.
     "You think you've got problems?" Maloney groused. "I've got some bad news, some really bad news."
     "What happened, Slip?" I asked, using his nickname. There's no conversational road Maloney travels on that he doesn't make a big ol' U-turn right back to himself.
     "We got a call Saturday night. Sofia was in the hospital."
     Sofia is his mother-in-law and she suffers from high blood pressure and diabetes. She had lived with them for a while before listening to her loser friends who convinced her she would be better off living on her own. Maloney was happy to see her leave. He always complained that she loved their dog more than she loved their children.
     That just might be true.
     When his dog was just a puppy and his daughter was a toddler, they took a picture of the two of them together. I've seen the picture, and his daughter looks adorable. When Gail, his wife, showed her mother the picture, she said, "Doesn't she look beautiful?"
     "Yes," her mother agreed. "The puppy looks beautiful."
     The last time I saw Sofia was on Easter, over at Maloney's house. She was chasing after their dog all around the backyard, carrying the mutt's water bowl. She insisted the dog was thirsty, and wanted it to drink, but the dog, always one paw ahead of her, had other ideas.
     Mainly, to get away from her.
     "Nothing more foolish than a man chasin' his hat," Gabriel Byrne, as the Irish gangster Tom Reagan, said in the classic Coen Brother's movie Miller's Crossing.
     Unless it's an old woman chasing after a dog who wants nothing to do with her.
     Still... she was sick.
     "Poor her," I sympathized.
     "Poor HER?" Maloney griped. "Poor ME!"
     At the end of a very long day, Maloney's wife got a call on her cell phone. It was from a friend of her mother's, the latest in a long line of bad decisions concerning men. He hadn't heard from Sofia in a while, and became concerned, so he went over to see if her wallet was okay.
     "Why couldn't he have waited a few days before checking on her?" Maloney lamented.
     "That's a horrible thing to say," I told him.
     "It's okay, my wife's not here. Actually," he continued, "her 'friend' suffers from high blood pressure, too, and Sofia gives him her blood pressure medication. He had probably run out, went over to get some more, and found her passed out on the floor. That was why she ended up in the hospital. Her blood pressure was through the roof."
     "He's on Medicare. Why doesn't he just get his own?"
     "Exactly."
     When my buddy and his wife got to the hospital, Gail immediately started crying. Her heart broke when she saw her poor mother laying there, frail and broken. Maloney took the opportunity to pull the doctor to the side.
     "Was it a stroke?" Maloney asked him.
     The reason he thought it might be a stroke was because Sofia's 'friend' had told them that the left side of her face fell, but "she always looks like that," Maloney assured me. He also noticed that she didn't look so bad in the ER, either. "Probably faking," was his prognosis.
     The doctor assured him it wasn't a stroke.
     Maloney hesitated.
     "Give it to me straight, doc," he finally said, bracing himself for some bad news, "is my mother-in-law going to have to move in with us?"
     Fortunately, the answer to that was also no. However, before they went home from the hospital, the doctor warned them, "She has to take her blood pressure medication, or the next time it will be a stroke."
     "You hear that, Sofia?" Maloney chastised her. "You have to take your medicine. No more giving it to your boyfriend."
     "He's not my boyfriend," she said, avoiding the point. "He's just my friend."
     Sofia was touched. She thought her son-in-law was concerned for her well-being, and he was, but only so far as it affected whether she would move in with him or not.
     When she was released, they took her to their home to recuperate, but Sofia only stayed with them for a few days, her daughter weathering her insults while caring for her. Maloney was impressed by how much food she was able to shovel into the sweet spot of her digestive system while she was there.
     "Her illness sure didn't affect her appetite," he told me.
     "What are we going to do if my mother gets sick?" his wife wanted to know. "I mean, really sick."
     Maloney didn't even have to think about it.
     "If she move in, I'm moving out," he told his wife, drawing a line in the sand.
     "I'll miss you," his wife said, stepping over that line, "or maybe not."
     Sadly, the story ended there.
     "I've got to go," Maloney told me, cutting the conversation short. "My wife's home."
     I smiled to myself.
     Later, as I was retelling his story to my lovely wife in our kitchen, my father, who was sitting in the great room watching TV, must have turned up the volume  on his hearing aid so he could eavesdrop, because he snorted in amused contempt.
     "You can't help the stupid," he chuckled.
 
But you CAN help yourself to more nonsense at RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, and @JimDuchene.
   

Friday, June 29, 2018

Not So Viva La Difference

The Difference Between Men And Women

 Woman: "I have a headache."
Man: "You wanna get frisky?"
Woman: "No! I've Already Told You:  I HAVE A HEADACHE!"
 
Man: "I have a headache. Plus, I’ve dislocated my shoulder and was shot in the leg as I fell off a ladder. Luckily, my hip broke the fall. Unluckily, the fall broke my hip. And, as I was laying there, our neighbor's dog bit me in the..."
Woman: "You wanna get frisky?"
Man: "YOU BET!"
   
   
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
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@JimDuchene