Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Top Ten Things Your Woman Secretly Wants You To Do During Sex

10) Lose weight.

9) Pretend you're someone else. Preferably, a man.

8) Tell her, "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Here's my PIN number."

7) Touch her right there. No, I mean right there. More to the left, you idiot! Forget it, she just wants to go home now.

6) Last longer. No, that's too long. Does she have to tell you everything?

5) Cry. Don't worry, she won't think less of you. All of her friends will, though.

4) Tell her your deepest, darkest secrets, so she can use them against you later.

3) Stop calling her "mommy."

2) The dishes.

1) Leave.


American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Dr. Dao At Berkeley

Image result for dr. dao
 
"That's the last time I accept an invitation to speak to college students at a university!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Monday, May 1, 2017

Fox News Application For Employment

Name:
 
Sex: Male ( )  Female ( )
 
If you checked "Male," consider yourself hired.
If you checked "Female," please continue.
 
Date of Birth:
  Address:
 
Phone:
 
What are your likes and dislikes? For example, do you like older men?
Yes ( )  No ( )
 
I mean, really  older men?
Yes ( )  No ( )
 
Men so old that, when Moses parted the Red Sea, they were on the other side fishing?
Yes ( )  No ( )
 
Where do you shop for your underwear?
( ) Victoria's Secret
( ) Frederick's of Hollywood
( ) I don't wear any underwear.
 
In that case, will you wear short skirts to work?
Yes ( )  No ( )
 
How short?
( ) above the knee
( ) mid-thigh
( ) Like this application, my skirt will be long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep one's attention.
 
Do you believe in conspiracies?
Yes ( )  No ( )

Do you know what the word "conspiracies" even means?
Yes ( )  No ( )

What do you think of the following conspiratorial coincidence?: "Shortly before his assassination, President Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. Shortly before his assassination, President Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe."
( ) I find it interesting.
( ) I find it uninteresting.
( ) President Kennedy was assassinated?

 
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "I believe it's important to do anything you're told to make your way up the corporate ladder."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
 
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "I will do anything I'm told to make my way up the corporate ladder."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
 
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "How President Clinton treated women in the privacy of the White House was in the interest of National Security."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
 
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "Whatever 'happy endings' Vice-President Al Gore can negotiate in a massage parlor is between him and his masseuse."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
 
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "It was okay for David Letterman to have sex at work with his female employees because he was their boss, after all."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
 

Complete the following statement: "Sharing a hot tub with Roman Polanski would be..."
( ) enticing.
( ) unappealing.
( ) Is he considering hiring me for a job or what?
 
Complete the following: "A good employee would..."
( ) cause her boss' stress.
( ) relieve her boss' stress.

 
   
Complete the following:
1. "I promise not to kiss and _____."
2. "What happens in Vegas, stays in _____."
3. "Snitches get _____."
4. "Loose lips sink _____."
 
Complete the following:
1) Listen is to ear as see is to _____.
2) Do is to don't as will is to _____.
3) Jump is to walk as shout is to _____.

 
In case of an emergency, please contact:
( ) my mother
( ) my father
( ) Ron Jeremy
 
Thank you for your interest in working for Fox News.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Dr. Dao's Public Weighs In

Image result for holocaust victims
 
"We're so happy Dr. Dao and his lawyer got their thirty pieces of silver. It makes starving to death easier."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, April 28, 2017

Dr. Dao Settles Out Of Court

Image result for crying asian man with cash
 
Old Joke:
A man goes up to a beautiful woman and asks if she would have sex with him for a million dollars. After thinking about it, she agrees. Then he asks her if she would have sex with him for five dollars.
"FIVE dollars?" she complains. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"
"We've already established what you are," he explains. "Now we're just negotiating the price."
 
Congratulations on your negotiated settlement, Dr. Dao.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dr. Dao: Role Model!

Image result for britney fan crying
 
"I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE DR. DAO! WAH!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Dr. Dao Meets The Godfather

Image result for you can act like a man
 
"What's the matter with you, Dr. Dao?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Monday, April 24, 2017

Dear John: Special Dr. Dao-Free Edition!

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
 
Dear John,
     I just read that dogs who served in the Iraq war are coming home with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Now I feel bad that I've been yelling at my puppy for pooping in the pantry.  Can dogs really develop this condition?
     --Thank You For Your Service
 
Dear Puppy Pooper,
Nah, they're just scamming the Government for a disability retirement
just like everybody else.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     I've been downsized from my job and find myself looking for a new one at a pretty advanced age. I'd love to do something where I can make a difference in the world.
     --65-Years-Young
 
Dear Old Guy,
You're 65-years too late.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     While I don't like pornography, I know that teen boys love it, but my 15-year-old is setting a world record. How much is too much?
     --Not A Prude
 
Dear Prude,
Sorry, but I didn't hear you. I was too busy watching a porno.
Next!
 
Confidential to Concerned:
You don't have to worry when your child accidentally swallows a prophylactic. Just buy another one.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Dr. Dao Has Supporters

Image result for kim jong-un memes
 
"I support Dr. Dao 100%!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Dr. Dao: American Hero!

 Image result for vulture waiting for child to die picture
 
Hey, Dr. Dao! Where's THIS girl's fancy attorney and million dollar settlement?
   
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Dr. Dao In Perspective

 Image result for vietnamese girl running
 
 Dr. Dao, there are real atrocities in the world.
Being politely asked to get off an airplane isn't one of them.
  
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 


Monday, April 17, 2017

Dr. Dao At Work

Image result for asian male doctor with female patient
 
"Yes, I could write this prescription for you,
but first you must do something for me I like to call
the Vietnamese Head Dunk."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dr. Dao Reboards The Airplane

 
  Image result for crying babies
 
"I just want to go home!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Dr. Dao On United Airlines Flight 3411



Image result for crying baby on airplane
 
"But I don't WANNA give up my seat!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, April 14, 2017

Dr. Dao To His Attorney

Image result for dragging crying toddler
 
"And then they called me a poo-poo head!"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Fake News: Special Easter at United Airlines Edition!

A grown man who identified himself as a doctor was forcibly removed from a United Airlines plane when he refused to give up his seat for a United Airline employee on a sold-out flight.
     ANOTHER unexpected consequence of ObamaCare.
     Sadly, Kendall Jenner was nowhere around to defuse the explosive situation with a can of Pepsi, as she was too busy using the carbonated beverage to bring peace to the Middle East.
     "I saw the video," commented the volatile Kim Jong-Un, "and it disgusted even me!"
     "I'd like to remind the flying public that at United Airlines our prices are unbeatable," said Airline CEO Oscar Munoz, "but our customers... not so much. That is why our new motto is: 'At United Airlines, We Put The HOSPITAL In Hospitality.' And, rest assured, I will personally visit that airport in Chicago, as soon as Donald Trump lets me through that darn wall."
     When asked to comment on the $900 million drop in United Airlines stock, the business-savvy CEO said, "We needed the tax break," and then considerately advised future United passengers to file their taxes "...OR ELSE!"
     Meanwhile...
     In an exclusive USA Today interview, Tiger Woods talked about the lessons he learned from his parents.
     Apparently, "Don't Cheat On a Your Wife" wasn't one of them.
     In breaking news...
     Sorry, my Jewish friends, but the prophet Elijah won't be sitting in the empty chair you've saved for him this Passover. He was forcibly removed from his United Airlines flight and now refuses to fly anywhere this holiday season.
     In a show of support, the Easter Bunny canceled Easter.
     "I say if you buy a ticket, you bought a seat on the flight. Besides," the furry holiday icon pointed out, "what does hiding colored eggs have to do with the Resurrection anyway?"
     I don't know about all that, but I will tell you this: the next time my kids don't want to get out of bed to go to school, I'm calling United Airlines.
 
This Fake News Brought To You By
United Airlines!
"You'll Be Treated Like A King... Rodney King!"
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   




Sunday, April 9, 2017

Dear John: Special Las Vegas Edition!

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
 
Dear John,
     Does a massage hurt in order to be effective?
     --Afraid
 
Dear Afraid,
No, a massage hurts because the masseuse is so poorly paid.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     I find it hard to see well driving at night, though I see fine by day. Does anything help?
     --Four-eyes
 
Dear Four-Eyes,
Yes, staying out of my way.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     I heard on TV last night that doctors can give you a shot of "Youth Hormone." Is this too good to be true?
     --Gullible
  
Dear Gullible,
Only if he uses his penis.
Next!
  
 
Confidential to Never Dated:
I like to use a dating strategy inspired by the layout of my favorite bar in Vegas. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Saturday, April 1, 2017

How's The Ice Cream?

My much older and less attractive brother brought our elderly father over to my house for a visit, and then went out for a pack of cigarettes.
    “I didn’t know he smoked,” I told my dad.
    “He doesn’t,” my father answered.
    I haven’t seen my brother since.
    It didn’t happen exactly that way, but that’s the way I like to tell the story of how my father came to live with me. He’s in the later years of his life and has been widowed for some time now. He’s also been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer’s, but, really, aren’t we all pre-Alzheimer’s?
    My wife, to welcome him into our home, cooked him a 5-star dinner Tom Colicchio would be jealous of, and, to top it off, she served him a nice helping of vanilla ice cream. REAL ice cream, not the cheap stuff. I save that for my mother-in-law.
    Let me digress for a moment. I know some of you may have gotten the impression from my January column that I don’t like my mother-in-law, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to dedicate the rock & roll classic “Mother-In-Law” by the late, great Ernie K-Doe as an expression of my feelings for her. Meanwhile...
    "This ice cream's not very good," I heard my dad tell my wife.
    Let me stop right here and formally apologize to my mother for ever having been a kid. I can't begin to tell you the times my mom served me a perfectly good meal, sometimes even perfectly delicious, and it didn't meet the standards of a kid who used to eat dirt.
    Don't judge me for eating dirt.
    Then I had kids of my own. No matter what my wife cooked, they wanted to eat something else. I don't know about your kids, but my kids only wanted to eat food we had to pay for, preferably at a restaurant. If it was home-cooked, they’d hem and haw and complain.
    “You could always eat dirt,” I’d suggest, but, sadly, my humor was lost on them.
    So when my dad told my wife he didn't care for the ice cream she had just served him--and which he enthusiastically ate, judging by the speed with which he ate it--I figured he had the right not to like it. So I didn’t say anything.
    "Where'd you buy it?" he wanted to know.
    "Costco," my wife told him.
    "Costco?"
    "Yes, Costco," she repeated.
    Costco is one of those warehouse stores, along the lines of Sam’s and Price Club, where you have to buy a membership to shop there, and where you don't just buy something, you buy a LOT of something. But they do sell quality goods, and one of those quality goods is their ice cream. It's not just good, it's very good.
    My dad wasn't sure.
    "Oh, huh...  hmmm..." he clarified. "You said you bought it at Costco?"
    "They sell some of the best ice cream there," she said, trying to convince him.
    My dad still wasn't sure.
    "Costco..." he considered, and then considered again. "Hmmm...  Costco.  Huh, yeah...  well, I didn't like it.”
    “Why didn’t you like it?” my wife asked, humoring him.
    “I just didn’t,” he said. “The PX sells better ice cream."
    Because of the time he spent in the military, he was able to shop at the PX in the Army base. In fact, after he retired from the military, he even worked at their PX for a few years after that. If anybody would know the quality of the PX ice cream, it would be my father.
    I remember once asking him what the letters “PX” stood for.
    “I don’t know,” my father told me, in what was one of our longer conversations. Meanwhile...
     My wife patiently listened to him. She was even nodding her head and making eye contact.
    Big mistake.
    I've learned in life that if you make eye contact with someone it just encourages them to continue talking.
     Which he did.
     "Blah, blah, blah Costco. Blah, blah, blah ice cream. Blah, blah, blah coming back with those cigarettes?"
    Now he was starting to get on my nerves. I happen to like Costco. They have enough of my money to prove it. I also like to go there for the food samples they hand out to their customers. Many’s the time I was saved the cost of buying my father lunch by going there and letting him snack for free.
    “What did you eat?” my brother’s wife would ask when I’d drop him back off at his then home base.
    “Everything,” we’d say, chuckling together conspiratorially like two naughty first graders thinking they're getting away with something.
    Meanwhile...
    "Yes, dad," my wife said, simmering. She likes Costco, too. "Next time we go to the PX, we'll get some for you."
    I thought she handled that rather smoothly, since we never shop at the PX. My dad may have been retired from the military, but I wasn't. I had to pay for MY exclusive shopping memberships.
    "Costco..." my dad kept repeating, gnawing at that name like he was a dog and it was a bone. He was shaking his head as he said it.  "Costco...  hmmm."
    I had to laugh.
    I was shaking my head, too.
 
Born in the southwest, Jim Duchene wonders if you've seen his brother, Henry. Check JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, or @JimDuchene for him, would'ja?
 
as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
desertexposure.com
 

Monday, March 27, 2017

Dear John: Special Grass-Fed Edition!

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
 
Dear John,
     What's up with grass-fed beef? It's SO expensive. Can it really make a difference to my health?
     --Organic Wannabe
 
Dear Wannabe,
Don't worry about it. I spoke with your doctor. You have two weeks to live.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     The other day, I started sobbing when my boss criticized me, something I've never done before, but my mother has been sick and I've only been getting three hours of sleep a night.
     How do I do damage control?
     --Crybaby
 
Dear Crybaby,
I never met a boss who couldn't be swayed by a gratuitous offering of meaningless sex.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     My doctor interrupts me when I'm trying to describe my symptoms. Why doesn't he pay attention to me?
     --Ignored
 
Dear Ignored,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
 
Confidential to Oldtimer,
Sorry to disappoint you, grandpa, but they pass out Viagra at retirement homes to keep the old men from rolling out of bed.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Monday, March 20, 2017

Dear John: Special Fat-Free Edition!

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
 
Dear John,
     Sometimes I wake up from a sound sleep feeling as though I'm having an orgasm. Am I just imagining this?
     --Not Complaining
 
Dear Complaining,
It depends where your husband's head happens to be at the time.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     I'm hosting a New Year's Eve party and want to invite a male friend who is newly sober. Is this insensitive of me?
     --Hostess With The Mostess
 
Dear Mostess,
You're only insensitive if that person is a transsexual Muslim of color in this country illegally
Next!
   
Dear John,
     My parents are leaving more money in their will to my sister because she's had major financial struggles. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this?
     --I Feel Like I'm Number Two
 
Dear #2,
Your parents can't help loving your sister more.
Next!

Confidential to Confused:
The difference between oral and anal sex is that one makes your whole day and the other makes your hole hurt.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Fake News: Special New Mexico Edition!

Susana Martinez, the governor of New Mexico, has announced that she tore her ACL in a recent skiing accident, and admits she shouldn't have been skiing and vetoing legislation at the same time.
     "We're keeping a close eye on it," reports her doctor. "After all, this was how the zombie apocalypse got started."
     Meanwhile, the New Mexico senate has determined that some of Governor Martinez's vetoes don't count.
     "As everybody knows," a spokesman for the senate insisted, "a torn ACL automatically disqualifies a veto. Besides," the spokesman continued, "a veto is not a sentient being, and therefore cannot perform even the most basic forms of math, such as counting."
     A recent poll reveals that a majority of the American people believe the United States Supreme Court is split along political lines.
     "Let me assure the American public that THAT is completely untrue," Chief Justice John Roberts said, unassuringly.
     "You don't speak for me, you conservative hack!" cackled Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, deftly avoiding a bucket of water tossed at her by a young girl in a blue dress.
     In a related poll of the obvious, it was determined that lungs are necessary for us to breathe.
     According to USA Today, congratulations are in order for actress Amanda Seyfried and Thomas Sadoski. What for? I don't know, I only read the Las Cruces Bulletin.
     Road closures on Melendres and Hadley Avenues will begin on March 17th, which has already passed, so never mind.
     The New Mexico nine dollar minimum wage bill is on its way to the governor's desk. Will she sign it? Won't she?
     Poker-faced, our shrewd Governor will only admit, "My ACL really hurts."
     In breaking news, Indiana FIRES men's basketball coach Tom Crean after nine seasons, despite his sad handicap of not knowing how to properly spell "cream."
     Readers of the Las Cruces Bulletin quickly respond, "Hey! We live in New Mexico, buddy. Why are you reporting on something that happened in Indiana?"
     A contrite, but still proud, Jim Duchene quietly retracts his story.

 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Dear John: Special Willie Nelson Edition!

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!


Dear John,
     I'm 65-years-old, recently divorced, and dating again after 20 years. Since I can't get pregnant my boyfriend doesn't want to wear a condom...
     ...but doesn't that put me at risk of an STD?
     --Wondering
 
Dear Wondering,
As close as you are to death, does it really matter?
Next!
 
Dear John,
     My husband and I have sex often, but he rarely kisses me passionately anymore, and I miss it. What happened?
     --What Happened?
 
Dear What,
You got old.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     Sometimes during yoga, I feel like I might orgasm. Am I a freak?
     --Freaky-Deaky
 
Dear Deaky,
Yes.
Next!


Confidential to Country Fan:
I agree. The last thing a girl orally servicing Willie Nelson wants to hear is him saying, "I'm not Willie Nelson."
  
  
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Dear John: Special Dead Cat Edition

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!
   
   
Dear John,
     My coworkers seem really cranky lately. Is it them, or am I just more thin-skinned?
     --Curious
 
Dear Curious,
I've seen your picture on Facebook. One thing you're not is thin-skinned.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     There are days when I just can't seem to focus. I'm 49 and my period has been wacky, so could it be PMS?
     --Also Curious
 
Dear Also,
I don't want to hear about your periods.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     I always wear makeup to the gym so I look presentable, but someone told me I'm ruining my skin that way. Tell me I don't have to show up barefaced.
     --Curious Too
 
Dear Too,
What difference does it make? You're ugly either way.
Next!
 
Dear John,
     My sister-in-law can drink coffee after dinner and sleep like a log. Why doesn't the caffeine keep her up like it does normal people?
     --Curious As Well
 
Dear As Well,
Who cares?
Next!
 
Dear John,
     Do men really cheat on their spouses more than women do, or do they just get caught more often?
     --I Am Curious Yellow
 
Dear Yellow
Men don't cheat. That's just an unfortunate myth.
Next!
 
Confidential to Curiouser & Curiouser:
In my experience, the surest way to paralyze a woman from the waist down is to marry her.


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Queen Elizabeth's Sapphire Jubilee

It was Goldman who called me last month with the news.
    “It’s the Queen's Sapphire Jubilee,” he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was her official biographer and an old friend of mine.
     I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen.
     I guess I should begin at the beginning.
     Once upon a time, at the start of World War Two, when Elizabeth was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite things to do were riding her horse and teasing me. She knew my name, but refused to call me by it, and nothing made her happier than bossing me around.
    “Stable-boy, polish my horse's saddle."
    “As you wish,” I said.
    “As you wish,” was all I ever said to her.
    “Stable-boy, feed my horse.”
    “Stable-boy, give him water.”
    “Stable-boy, brush him down.”
    “As you wish.”
    And then one day she realized that when I told her, "As you wish," what I was really telling her was, "I love you."
     That's when she discovered that she loved me too.
    “Stable-boy, fetch me that pitcher…. please.”
    But I was a mere stable-boy, and had no money or prospects, so I left the palace to seek my fortune across the pond, in America. When I left, she locked herself in her room.
    “I'll never love again,” she told herself, but that wasn’t completely true. There was one thing she loved more than me. The kingdom she would one day rule.
    And that love was true.
    I thanked Goldman and left immediately for Great Britain. It was Morgenstern, the head caretaker of Buckingham Palace, who met me at the gate and snuck me in the back door of the palace.
     "You must hurry," he told me.
     I did, and, man, what a great time I had at the Jubilee.
     You see, I've been persona non grata since the time the Queen and I snuck off to Tijuana. We didn't come back for four days. Boy, that lady can party. When we finally made it back to England, I had to leave her passed out in a shopping cart at the front gate of her castle. A trick I learned back when I was a freshman at Faber College.
    The whole extravagant affair reminded me of when I was invited to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it. I had jury duty that day.
    Prince Charles was upset, but he's been upset with me ever since he found out I knew Lady Di before she was a lady.
    Years later, after his divorce, he called to ask me to perform the marriage ceremony in his then up-coming nuptials to Camilla Bowes. I refused for religious reasons. I don't believe in inter-species marriages.
    "Jim, you were right," he told me. "I never should have married Diana."
    "I never said you shouldn't marry her," I clarified. "What I said was: 'Why buy the cow...?'"
    So, although I didn't perform the ceremony, as a personal favor to the Prince of Wales I kept the Queen Mum out of everybody's way during his wedding. Her stories tend to be long and tedious. She's used to her subjects having to stand there and not fall asleep. Unfortunately for her, I'm not one of her subjects.
    "Did I ever tell you," she rambled in that high-pitched squeal of hers, "how, during the Great War, after each bombing by the Germans, I would go for a walk outside the palace gates to reassure my subjects?"
     "Yeah, but only fourteen times," I replied, stifling a yawn. "Tell me again."
    And she did!
    Royalty never gets the hint.
    So I excused myself.
    "I need to see a man about a horse," I told her.
    "Why, I never!" she sputtered.
    "And, after I leave, you never will."
    I turned and bumped right into her husband, the Duke of Earl.
    "Who are you?" I asked, not recognizing him at first.
    "I'm her husband," he confessed.
    "Then why aren't you the king?"
    "Well, that's a long story," he said, taking a deep breath in preparation for the exhalation of many long, boring words.
    "Then I don't want to hear about it," I said, and exited stage left.
    But I digress...
    Prince William was disappointed that I wouldn't be there to throw him one of my legendary bachelor parties. He had heard about the one I threw for his father in Las Vegas. His father ended up missing and the rest of us ended up stealing Mike Tyson's pet tiger that night. I took a few of Mike's pigeons, too. They make for some good eating. And, man, what a hangover we had the next day.
    It was during that night in Vegas that we met the Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. She was celebrating her own personal bachelorette party by throwing back tequila shots, falling down a lot, and laughing hysterically for no reason whatsoever. By the end of our night of debauchery her eyes were permanently bugged out. They never went back to normal.
    "This is too much, even for me, dude," Charlie Sheen said disgustedly, and left.
    But, once again, I digress...
    Prince Charles made a final attempt to get me to go to his son's wedding.
    "Don't forget," he reminded me, "someday I'll be King."
    "Don't you mean Queen?"
     “What? How dare you,” he lisped, angrily. “Get out!”
    “As you wish.”
 
 
 
American Chimpanzee
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as published in Desert Exposure Magazine
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