Sunday, August 26, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Before Labor Day Edition!

Corner Bakery Café motto:
"Feed The Day".
Why would I want to feed the day when I'M the one who's hungry?
Men reach old age before they reach maturity.
I'm going to the store for a few things.
I'll be back in about two hundred dollars.
Fake News Reports!
Black Lives MATTER!
Except in Chicago.
Did you hear about the new economy car?
It comes with an airbag you have to blow up yourself.
Fake News Reports!
Stuttering John UPSET That Howard Stern Is Releasing A New Book TWO WEEKS Before His!
Don't worry, John.
Your book wasn't going to sell any copies anyway.
Smokey Bear Says: "Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires."
That's a lot of responsibility for just one person.
Fake News Reports!
Aretha Franklin!
Sadly, there's a lot of that going around.
Success 101
Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.
The best time to be a vegetarian is between meals.
Someone who travels somewhere else to experience something different, and then complains when they aren't the same.
What's left after you've forgotten everything you've ever learned in school.
A person with nothing on their minds and the power to express it.
I put a seashell to my ear...
...and got a busy signal.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, August 12, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special J.Lo Still Single Edition!

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!
My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.
When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people?"
Fake News Reports!
In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!
I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?
Fake News Reports!
What the fudge, Trump?
With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already.
On Hollywood!
I'm FOR what works.
I'm AGAINST what doesn't work.
When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?
That cloud looks like a dog.
That cloud looks like a pony.
And that cloud looks like--THUNDER!--trouble.
Fake News Reports!
Tom Arnold Says President Trump "is obviously a racist" who "doesn't like black guys."
That would mean more if I knew who Tom Arnold was.
I just found out my ex is mad at me and swears she'll never speak to me again.
Who says God doesn't answer prayers?
Fake News Reports!
As your elected official, I won't be satisfied until I've dotted every "i", crossed every "t", and double-crossed every voter.
In a time of drone attacks, guided missiles, and self-driving vehicles... nothing will ever replace our soldiers.
SOMEBODY has to clean up the mess.
For me, reading a book is like eating a big meal...
It makes me sleepy.
It says what it says, and what it says it says.
What's wrong with the government?
I'll TELL you what's wrong with the government...
It doesn't do enough for ME!
I can't afford another mid-life crisis.
When I married my ex, I thought my ship had come in.
Who knew it would be the Titanic?
Fake News Reports!
Guatemala First Lady visits illegal alien children from her country housed at Texas CBP facility to make sure the U.S. is properly taking care of them.
Did she take any back home with her?
"Heck, no! We don't want them either!"
Fake News Reports!
After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.
Good Results: This Way >
Bad Results: < That Way
Can't decide?
Take your time.
When life hands you lemons...
Re-gift it.
What do I say about our politicians acting like children?
I say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!"
Fake News Reports!
In explaining President Trump's presidential upset over Hillary Clinton, LeBron James--the Freddy Corleone of the NBA--said, "I don't think a lot of people was educated."
Like him was, I suppose.
What disappears every time you make a U-turn?
A parking space.
Fake News Reports!
Lance Bass Has Brady Bunch House SNATCHED From Him In Real Estate Bidding War!
"That's the first time I've ever had anything to do with a snatch," the former NSYNC singer says.
My ex built a robot, and then gave it Artificial Intelligence.
Now even it wants nothing to do with her.
Fake News Reports!
Jennifer Lopez Says She DOESNT Want To Marry Alex Rodriguez!
"I don't want to jinx our relationship," she explains. "Plus, he changes the subject every time I bring it up."
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Don't Tell Your Mother

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
There’s an old joke:
    An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely, so he immediately went to his doctor. After many failed attempts at communication, the doctor finally looked in the old man’s ear and discovered the problem. He asked his nurse for some forceps, and then used them to extract a suppository from the old man’s ear canal.
    “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor told him, showing it to him.
    “Oh, my goodness,” the old man replied. “What the heck did I do with my hearing aid?”
    I told you last month that my father uses a hearing aid, sometimes to what he thinks is his advantage, but I've never told you how I found out.
    Back when my beloved mother was still alive, I used to go over and join them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. My mother was an old-school cook, so for breakfast she would fry up some bacon, cook the eggs in the grease, and then refry some refried beans in what was left over.
    It was delicious.
    That’s what she would call a healthy breakfast, and--you know what?--there are some nutritionists who would agree with her. Dr. Robert Atkins is one. Vinnie Tortorich is another. I’ve heard him on the Adam Corolla podcast, and he says there’s nothing wrong with red meat and saturated fats. Grains and simple carbohydrates, on the other hand, are what’s making our nation fat. I can’t tell you what’s true, all I can say is we’re a pretty fat nation. Anyway...
    "Go see if your father is awake," she told me one such Saturday. "Tell him his coffee is ready."
    So I did.
    I walked down to my parent's room and knocked on the door.
    There was no answer.
    So I knocked again.
    Still no answer.
    "Pop," I called out.
    Finally, he answered.
    "What?" he yelled back.
    "IT'S ME!"
    "YOUR SON!"
    "What do you want?"
    "Are you awake?"
    "You're talking to me, aren't you?"
    My father, the comedian.
    There was a pause.
    "Come in," he ordered.
    I guess, so he could hear me better.
    I knew my father's hearing had been getting steadily worse for some time, just like my hearing is doing these days, but I had never had this kind of trouble conversing with him before.
    When I opened the door and looked in, I saw why.
    He was already fully dressed, and sitting on the bed with his legs over the side. I saw him reach into his nightstand and pull out two small devices that he put deep into his ears. I was surprised, to say the least.
    "Pop?" I said.
    "What?" he said back.
    "How long have you had hearing aids?"
    He thought about it.
    "Oh, I've had them for a while now."
    Now it was my time to think about it.
    "Mom must be happy," I said, finally.
    "About what?"
    "That you've got hearing aids."
    "Oh," he said, matter of factly, "I haven't told her yet."
    "You haven't?"
    "Because," he said, in his don't-tell-your-mother tone, "I like hearing what she says about me when she thinks I can't hear."
If a deaf person swears, does their mother wash his hands with soap?
Find out at,, or @JimDuchene. 
American Chimpanzee