Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Stephen King's "IT" Song Parody

sing to the tune of
"Ruby (Don't Take Your Love To Town)"
by Mel Tillis
 
  
Beverly (Watch Out for Pennywise)
   
 
You've laced up both your sneakers and you've ponytailed your hair.
Bev, are you contemplating going out somewhere?
The shadows on the wall grow long as daylight slowly dies.
Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.
 
  Why are the children dying in this scary Derry town?
And have you seen that creepy thing that's living underground?
It's been said it comes to feed each 27th year,
Oh, Beverly... everybody floats down here.
 
  It's hard to be suspicious of a funny painted face,
And the trust of a boy reaching for his lost toy led to a cold, wet place.
Some have whispered when he screamed for help, the town ignored his cries.
Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.
 
  You're leaving now 'cause I can hear you sneaking out the door.
Heading toward the sewers where you will meet with six kids more.
And if there's one thing I hope you'll do it's that you'll realize,
Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.
   
  Oh, Beverly...
...dear God, it's Pennywise!   
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, September 22, 2017

The Week In End Of The World Tweets!

This Just In!
A Tattoo Will Get OLD...
...just like YOU!
 
Meanwhile...
 
Weird News!
Apple Fanatic Can't Wait To Get His Hands On An iPhone X!
"I hear it's already obsolete!" he gushes.
 
Weird News!
Astronomers Discover A Pitch Black Planet!
How did they see it?
"We didn't. It's pitch black."
 
Weird News!
Florida Sheriff Warned Public To NOT Shoot At Hurricane Irma!
"I don't CARE if you saw it on 'Sharknado!'"
 
Weird News!
David Meade:
World Will End... TOMORROW!
"Nibiru, aka Planet X, will CRASH into Earth September 23," he predicts. "Send $."
 
Weird News!
Woman Screens Potential Boyfriends With VERY Personal Application Form!
"I haven't had a date since 1983," she admits.
 
Weird News!
Playboy Playmate Katie Price Reveals The Single Most Disgusting Thing She Did At The Playboy Mansion!
"Housework."
 
Weird News!
Outraged Chocoholics Protest The Rising Cost Of Freddos!
What are Freddos?
I'm guessing some kind of chocolate.
 
Weird News!
Chinese Man Cleans People's Eyeballs With A Straight Razor!
My question is this:
Just how dirty are people's eyes in China?
 
Weird News!
Location Scout For TV Show "Narcos" MURDERED In Mexico!
What does the Mexican government say?
Who cares?
They're not the ones in charge.
 
Weird News!
Man Robs Bank, Then Waits To Be Arrested, All To Get Away From His Wife!
"Well," his wife reveals, "he always wanted to try anal sex."
 
Weird News!
David Meade Predicts End Of The World...TOMORROW!
"Even I don't believe that nonsense," declares the very dead L Ron Hubbard."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 


Sunday, September 17, 2017

The Week In Weird News Tweets!

Man who "screwed over" woman regretting it a year later due to her simple prank.
"I poisoned his dog."
 
Fitness expert reveals what he would order at YOUR favorite fast food restaurant.
"Vomit. Might as well eliminate the middle-man."
 
Man says bright light hovering in night sky is a UFO from another planet.
"But what do I know? I'm nuts."
 
Women could earn extra cash providing the voice for "sex robots," but, unfortunately, these robots won't be saying, "Not tonight. I have a headache."
 
Huge hermit crab shell looks exactly like terrifying "Toy Story" character...
Randy Newman!
 
Driver certain she backed over and killed family dog, until she gets out to check.
"Thank God it was just my husband."
 
Guard's hand "burned by ghosts" at jail where the Krays were held.
"They warned me the burner on the stove was haunted, but I didn't believe it."
 
Mysterious sea monster with razor-sharp fangs washes up on Texas beach.
Come to think about it, I haven't seen my ex lately.
 
Man whose Tinder date threw her poo out of his window explains, "What else was I supposed to do with it?"
 
Chef explains how he cooks expensive meals for one dollar.
"I shoplift."
 
Host shocked as sex robot shouts filthy comments on live morning television.
"I'm a sex robot. What did they expect?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Thursday, September 14, 2017

The Week In Tweets 9-14-17

This Just In!
Kim Jong-Un Eats Some Bad Kimchi!
"Time to detonate another Hydrogen Bomb," he declares.
 
Exercise your right to exercise.
 
Senator John McCain vows, "I'll be back," as he battles brain cancer.
"I've never needed a brain before, I don't need one now," he assures us.
 
This Just In!
Kathy Griffin TAKES BACK apology for Decapitated Trump photo!
Why?
"Because I'm old and no one's talking about me anymore."
 
Shelley Berman, inventor of the "Talking On The Phone" comedy bit, has DIED!
While Bob Newhart, who STOLE Berman's act, LIVES!
Newhart WINS!
 
If I was the judge in Taylor Swift's Groping Incident, one look at her flat booty, and I would've dismissed the case based on a lack of evidence.
 
El Paso County unemployment UP 4.3%
How will the El Paso City Council solve this problem?
"We're raising your taxes FIVE %!" says Mayor Dee Margo.
 
Sometimes it seems the more sleep I get, the sleepier I am.
 
Visit Odessa's Presidential Museum!
Motto: "Not ONE President Has Ever Been From Odessa. Ever!"
 
I want a Periodic Table table.
 
My buddy painted his classic hot rod black with flames coming up the sides.
Sadly, when it actually caught on fire, no one called the Fire Department.
 
This Just In!
Kim Jong-Un Accidentally Sits On A Cucumber!
"Fire Off Another Missile Over Japan!" he says.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Random Questions

Is love really enough?
 No.

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

 For the same reason our noses run and our feet smell.

Who was Jack the Ripper?

 I answer this in my "Fifty Shades of Grey" parody 
in Chapter 19d, which was posted on this blog on July 13, 2015.

Why does time fly faster as you age?

 Time is constant. It is we who slow down as we age, thus making it seem as if time has accelerated.

Why does the Big 10 Conference have 12 teams, and the Big 12 Conference have 10 teams?

 It's a stereotype that athletes are bad at math.
Or is it?

Who is in charge?

 Charles.

Why is it that if you tell someone not to touch a hot burner, they touch a hot burner?
For the same reason people ignore Wet Paint signs.

 Why are we still teaching to tests (in the schools) and not real stuff?
When you vote the same incompetents into office year after year, you lose your right to complain about the bad laws and policies they pass.

 How long am I going to live?

Not as long as you'd like.

If the fifth dimension does really exist, where does it exist?

Outside of the fourth dimension and just inside of the sixth.

Why am I here?

Most, in the scientific community, believe it's to continue the species, but it's not. It's to pass along your DNA. Also...
Can you pick up my dry cleaning for me?
Thanks.

Why do (good people--dads included--suffer, and bad people prosper)?
 
When I was a child, I once asked my father, "Daddy, why is it raining?"
And he answered, "Because God is crying."
"And why is God crying?" I wanted to know.
"It must have been something you did," he told me.

 Who is my father?

Anakin Skywalker.

What is the point of so much hate and senseless tragedy in this world?

There is no point, but the human mind is programmed to make sense of things and to find order and patterns where there are none, so it does not accept this.

Love begets love and is never finite, so why isn't it our tendency to embrace love and grow it?

You know, I asked my first wife that very same question...
   ...just before she asked me for a divorce
   
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
 

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Even More Hurricane Harvey Tweets!

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Is President Obama REALLY an American?
Birthers still not sure.
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
She's her sister AND her daughter!
 
  Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Was Lee Harvey Oswald President Kennedy's lone assassin?
Get over it, man!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Norman Bates is his own MOTHER!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Who REALLY brought down the Twin Towers on 9-11?
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
He's a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Why didn't we ever get to see Osama bin Laden's dead body?
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Was President Bush behind 9-11?
Look, he's smart or he's stupid, not both!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Rosebud was a SLED!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
OJ Simpson!
THIS > < CLOSE to finding Nicole Brown Simpson's killer!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Two words: Soggy Hookers!
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, September 1, 2017

Still More Hurricane Harvey Tweets!

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Residents learn first-hand waterfront property's not so great!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Like Hurricane Harvey, Kim Jong-un BLOWS!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
But I STILL had to come in to work this morning!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
What's the big deal?
The weather's FINE where I live!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
And all I got was this lousy T-SHIRT!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
ClownDating.com is a REAL dating website!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Lucky residents still able to buy Powerball tickets!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
I've just CANCELLED my plans to move to Houston!
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
Why hasn't my Uber shown up?
 
Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile...
This Just In!
"Don't hurricanes happen EVERY year?"
So... what's your POINT?"
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene