Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear John: Special New Year's Edition

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core...
John Leslie!

Dear John,
     Can you give me any advice about a Panamanian cruise I want to take over Christmas and extending into New Year's? It's a ten to 14 day cruise from Florida, and we'll be stopping at various Panamanian ports along the way.

Dear Cruising,
Yes, there's this little brothel I like to go to when I'm slumming it in Panama. It's called "La Cucaracha." Give it a try. Tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I'd like to find out if there are any events or fun things to do in Curacao during New Year's. Also, which airline has the best price to travel on to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico?

Dear Hurry,
A fun event they have in Curacao during New Year's is their annual Running of the Hookers at midnight on New Year's Eve. I'm so glad to see you're including Mexico in your holiday vacation plans. Despite all the bad press it's received concerning all the drug violence from all the drug cartels, let me tell you, you'll never feel more alive than when you're being shot at by angry drug lords. As for any inexpensive flights... don't be cheap, you're embarrassing me.

Dear John,
     Seven senior family members (60s to 70s) are planning a trip to Hawaii for New Year's for approximately 12 days. Do you suggest we make our own arrangements to visit several islands or take the inter-island cruise? If we don't take the cruise, which islands would you suggest and for what duration of time? And can you suggest some "must-see" attractions in Hawaii?

Dear Old,
Being in my upper 60s myself, I've found it's always better to let others do the grunt work for me. I like to pay them by check, that way I can cancel it when I get back to the mainland. Personally, I like to stay on the main island and hit the bars in the homeless district. It's amazing what adventures you can find yourself in the middle of if you slip the bartender a twenty and tell him that you're looking for some action and you don't care what it costs. Some "must-see" attractions are the Japanese massage parlors by the Naval docks. Ask for the "Al Gore" special, and tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I am thinking about going to see the Christmas markets from Vienna to Munich over Thanksgiving week. Any suggestions?
     --Can't Wait

Dear Can't,
Yeah, quit thinking about it.
You're too late.

Dear John,
     I want to go to the Galapagos to see all the funny-looking animals there. When is the best season?

Dear Curious,
Judging by the family photos you've posted on Facebook, you can stay at home.

Confidential to Cubano
Since you're going to Cuba, I need you to do me a favor. There's a package I need  picked up, and I can't do it myself. Don't worry about what's inside, it's completely legit. Just go to
The Fidel Castro Pleasure Palace...
...and tell them Johnny sent you.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, December 27, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special 2-Days-After-Xmas Edition

It's okay to be naughty again. Santa's done watching for the year.
Christmas has become way too commercialized, but, since I always get some really nice gifts, I'm okay with that.
Christmas is never over as long as you have cash left in your gift cards.
Justin Bieber tweeted that he "...f***s BITCHES!'' What he DIDN'T tweet was that his cat's name is ''Bitches.''
Justin Bieber's SHOCKING Christmas tweet: HE'S RETIRING! Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus.
Justin Bieber loves wearing loud, colorful socks. Just like the first President Bush and comedian Haywood Banks! Oh, Biebs, you are SO hip.
Only 363 shopping days until Christmas!
Carlos Santana was reunited with a former band member he hadn't seen in decades and who now lives on the streets! ''It was an honor to finally meet Willie Nelson,'' he said.
Justin Bieber's new documentary Believe opens this week. I wonder which black employee he's going to slap in this one.
Russian President Putin frees his enemies as part of Sochi spin! "Don't worry" he said. "I will have them all killed later."
Justin Bieber's SHOCKING Christmas tweet: HE'S RETIRING! The world yawns in response.
Did you know Rihanna's rockin' sockin' ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown is part Indian? Yes. ARAPAHO!
Alec Baldwin BLASTS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''Only I can get away with insulting women and faggots! Just ask my piggie daughter,'' he said, punching an effeminate paparazzi.
Charlie Sheen BLASTS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''There's only room for ONE celebrity idiot... and that's ME!''
I love feel-good holiday movies. I get the same happy feeling without having to do anything for anybody.
Things That Make Me Go Hmm... Have you noticed, fruit cake doesn't taste like fruit OR cake?
If my ex could just learn to laugh at herself... she wouldn't have time for anything else.
U.N. investigators discover a mass grave with 34 bodies in civil war-torn Sudan! Here, in Juarez, Mexico, we call that a slow news day.
I don't cry. I just sweat through my eyes.
I'm not saying my ex's a skank, but she was disappointed that the movie The Fly wasn't about Jeff Goldblum's zipper.
Make friends with pain and disappointment, and you will never be alone.
U.N. investigators discovered a mass grave with 34 bodies in the civil war-torn Sudan! Here, in Juarez, Mexico,  we call that Tuesday.
Ah, Christmas... the one day when we all act a little nicer, smile a little easier, and cheer a little more.
I have two options when I buy my wife a Christmas gift. I can buy her what I know she'd really like... or I can buy her what I can afford.
'Twas the night before Christmas... and all my kids changed their minds about what they wanted Santa to bring them.
Have I been naughty or nice? Let's just say I don't do anything I can't get away with.
The Obama Economy: Rudolph's been laid-off in a drastic cost-cuting measure. Santa's switched to using less-expensive LEDs.
For Christmas, I want a case of electronic GPS trackers. I put them on my golf balls. They've cut my game in half.
Every Christmas, I like to buy a little something for someone really special: Me!
It's a good thing there are l2 days of Christmas. It's gonna take me that long to untangle the Christmas lights.
The NSA to Santa: '' Naughty... nice... it doesn't matter. Just hand over your list, fat man!''
Movie idea: In the not-too-distant future, ugly Christmas sweaters come to life... and hunger for human flesh!
TODAY! The president signs up for ObamaCare HIMSELF! To prove he's JUST LIKE US! Will he USE IT? ''HECK, NO! I'm not STUPID, like YOU!''
On this date in l823, 'Twas The Night Before Christmas was first published! And children ever since have wondered why Rudolph was left out.
On this date in l968, the captured crew of the U.S. Pueblo were released after the North Koreans realized that no one in their country spoke English.
On this date in l972, an earthquake killed over 5,OOO people in Nicaragua! Not even God could get rid of General Noriega.
The actress Anna Maria Perez de Tagle turns 23! Know why you haven't heard of her? By the time casting directors get halfway through her name, they give up.
Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder turns 49 today! It's not that I don't like Pearl Jam's music, it's that if I wanted to be depressed I'd go back to my ex.
Emperor Akihito turns 8O today! Don't the Japanese consider him to be a god? If that's true, then why does he get old and sick like the rest of us?
Have I been naughty or nice? Let's just say I didn't do anything I couldn't blame on someone else.
If Alec Baldwin gets a talk show on MSNBC, and there's no one there to watch it, does it still stink?
Did you hear that a sexual harassment lawsuit's been filed against Miley Cyrus? Who knew a wrecking ball could sue?
This Is The End, The World's End, Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians... this was the year of the apocalypse comedy.
What does the fox say? ''Dude, this stinks. I'm suing.''
Between Britney Jean and Smurfs 2, Britney Spears detonated more bombs in 2Ol3 than the sequel to The Expendables.
What does it say about Justin Bieber's career when his biggest release of the past year was his peeing into a mop bucket?
President and Mrs. Obama wish everybody a happy Kwanzaa and a festive Festivus! Because, as president, ''I have to kiss EVERYBODY'S ass!''
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

It's A Wonderful Scarface

Somewhere... in the cosmos...

"You sent for me, sir?
"Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help."
"Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?"

     The notorious drug lord, Scarface, lay dying. Shot in the back by the hitman sent by his enemies. In the distance he could see the mountain of cocaine piled on his desk. It looked comical to him now.
     His vision slowly began to fade as his life poured out of him in a red, warm liquid. Fading... fading... and then miraculously clear!
     "Hi, I'm Clarence," a jovial voice said, as a white-haired old coot slid into view above him.
Scarface's eyes blinked. He felt his chest. There were no wounds, no blood, but... but that was impossible. His mind felt sharp, crystal clear. Sobriety, he laughed at the irony, felt better than any drug.
     The old man helped him up.
     "Who are you?" Scarface asked, suspiciously.
     "I'm Clarence, your guardian angel."
     "My guardian angel? Well, why didn't you help me?"
     "You never gave me a chance."
     Scarface thought. He guessed it was true enough. He never gave anybody a chance to help him. In Scarface's bitter life experience, the only one you could count on for help was yourself.
     "Why are you here?" he said, finally.
     "You have a second chance, my son. A second chance at life. Come with me."
     Clarence walked toward the huge front doors of Scarface's mansion. Scarface followed, looking around. The army of men sent to kill him--the ones still alive, that is--stood motionless, frozen in time. Somehow it all seemed perfectly reasonable.
     Scarface, with his guardian angel, walked like a phantasm through time and space, passing images of men. Good men. Decent men. Living good, decent lives.
     Scarface spat in disgust.
     "Who're these babosos?"  he asked.
     "We're traveling into a world where you were never born," the angel told him. "Since you were never there to corrupt them, these men--your soldados--were able to lead normal lives. To find love. To have children."
     Scarface spat again.
     "Pendejos," he said. Idiots.
     More images floated by. His wife, Elvira, married to someone else, and playfully chasing after the children that he was never able to give her.
     His best friend, Manny, and his sister, Gina, her belly full with life. Scarface felt a hot anger rise inside of him. He couldn't help it. It was his nature. He could see wedding rings on their fingers, but it didn't matter. He wanted to kill them. Kill them both.
     Manny lovingly held Gina's round belly in both of his hands.
     "What do we call him?" he asked his wife.
     "I don't know, but I've always liked the name Antonio," she answered.
     "Yes... Tony. Somehow that seems right."
     Scarface felt a pain in the heart he never knew he had. His vision blurred, but this time with tears.
     "We're here," the angel told him, stopping suddenly.
     "Of course we're here," Scarface said, harshly. Scarface always had to be the one who knew everything. "Where else would we be?"
     He looked around. He didn't recognize...
     "We're in Cuba," Clarence told him. "The Cuba where you never existed."
     "I don't understand," Scarface said, shaking his head in confusion and disbelief. "Everything's so clean and prosperous. Everybody's... happy."
     "That's because you were never born. Remember that boy you killed because you wanted his churro?"
     "I was hungry," Scarface explained, sheepishly.
     "He was born to overthrow Fidel Castro and free your country from its chains. He was supposed to lead your people to democracy, prosperity, and liberty. When you killed him, you killed that reality.
     "I didn't..." Scarface tried to say. "I never..."
     And then he stopped. He blinked his eyes rapidly. That looked... just... like...
     It was his parents. They looked older than he remembered, but it was them. They had five young children with them. Three girls and two boys. The brothers and sisters he never had, because, in a violent burst of anger, he killed them both. All because he had mistakenly thought they had stolen his drug stash when he was 16.
     "Since you were never born," Clarence explained, "your parents had the family they always wanted. And in this new Cuba, they were able to live long, fulfilling lives."
     "All this..." Scarface said. "All this because I was never born?"
     The angel nodded with sad, sad eyes.
     "Have you learned anything, my son?"
     "And what is that?"
     Scarface was quiet for a long, long time. And then...
     "Chente was right," Scarface finally said. " 'Don't get high on your own supply!' "
     Suddenly they were back at the mansion.
     "Say hello to my leetle friend!" Scarface yelled, holding the world's biggest gun in his hands. It was half machine gun and half bazooka. With the bazooka half he...
     BOOM! The door to Scarface's bedroom exploded outward into a thousand pieces. Dead men on the other side flying backward. Scarface walked to his balcony and began shooting at the army of killers beneath him. He was so intoxicated with the cocaine and the battle that he never noticed the Cuban hitman in the dark sunglasses silently walking up behind him.
     BAM! The hitman shot him in the back.
     Scarface broke through the balcony and fell into the fountain below him. The hitman and Clarence both walked to the edge of the balcony and looked down at once great drug lord.
     "Shoot him again," the angel said.

Fifty Shades of Funny

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas In El Chuco

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Right here in El Chuco,
I was drinking outside
With my old buddy Tuco.

My work socks were hung
Like Christmas stockings, you see,
My wife, she has four kids.
Myself, I have three.

When what to our watering eyes
Should appear,
My compa Ramon,
With a carload of beer.

His eyes, how they twinkled
Behind his new glasses.
He was here to bring beer
To the beer-drinking masses.
He brought Tecate, Coors Light,
And even Budweiser.
And then, for much later,
Some Viagra from Pfizer.

"Ay, loco," I told him.
"Come join us, my friend."
But he had just gotten started,
And must get started again.

As he started to leave,
He gave a high-five.
"Merry Christmas to all,
"And don't drink and drive!"
Fifty Shades of Funny

Friday, December 20, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special Duck! Dynasty! Backlash! Edition

GLAAD's Wilson Cruz SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''We don't tolerate intolerence!'' the gay spokesman yelled.
Isn't it ironic how the members of an organization named GLAAD are so angry all the time?
Rosie O'Donnell SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson for answering a question! And Expressing An Opinion! BASED ON HIS BELIEFS!
Female impersonator RuPaul SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's perverse beliefs! ...and then taped his penis between his butt cheeks so it'll look like he has a vagina.
ABC's former Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson.
''Don't hit me!'' he cowered, slammingly.
Perez Hilton SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's biblical belief that we should love others as we love ourselves.
''Pure hate-speech!'' he lisped.
Chaz Bono SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson!
''Whether you're a man or woman, unnatural sex is perfectly natural. I should know, I'm both!''
Al Sharpton! ANGRY! At Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! For saying blacks and whites used to get along!
''There must be SOME way I can make money of of this!''
The Library of Congress announces the addition of 25 films to its National Film Registry. Shockingly, Deep Throat is once again overlooked.
Time Magazine says Nelson Mandela ''was always uncomfortable talking about his own death.'' Yeah, him and everybody else. Good job reporting, Time!
There are 3 things that aren't cold in winter: penguins, polar bears, and my ex-wife.
On 7-8-l3, Amanda Bynes tweets Barack and Michelle Obama are ''ugly!'' She's then admitted to a mental-health facility. Thank you, ObamaCare!
On this date in l974, Nelson Rockefeller became the U.S.'s 4lst vice-president, ending his dream of becoming lead singer of The Moonglows.
On this date in l986, Lawrence E. Walsh became the Iran-Contra affair independent counsel! His job? To independently look the other way.
On this date in l998, Bill Clinton! IMPEACHED! ''Those damn Republicans are doing to me what I did to Monica Lewinski,'' he groused.
On this date in l96l, Joseph Kennedy Sr. suffered a debilitating stroke, thus beginning The Kennedy Curse.
''A deal's a deal,'' laughed Satan.
Jake Gyllenhaal turns 33 today! Recognize him from Brokeback Mountain? You don't? Well, that's because he's not bending over.
Alyssa Milano turns 4l today! Sure, I could be rude or make a joke, but how would YOU like Tony Danza and Arnold Swartzenegger after you?
Crybaby's girlfriend Amy Locane turns a very sexy 42 today! Next to Amy Locane, Traci Lords looked like a boy in that movie... a boy who looked like Traci Lords.
Magician Criss Angel turns 46 today! Do everybody a favor, Criss, and make yourself disappear.
Jennifer Beals turns 5O today! She was in the one where she played that girl who did those things around that time when she saw that guy.
Actor Tim Reid turns 69 today! I remember him from... wait, that wasn't him. I guess I don't remember him after all.
Maurice White of Earth Wind and Fire turns 72 today! There are so many band members in that group, it's hard to remember just who he is.
Cicely Tyson turns 79 today! For a great actress, why is the only thing I remember her doing is that frontier midwife sketch on Saturday Night Live?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she wouldn't need any extra padding to play Mrs. Claus.
Things That Make Me Go Hmmm... Are candy canes white with red stripes or red with white stripes?
As far as my ex is concerned, I'd leave well enough alone, if ''well enough'' were an option.
On this date in l97l, Jesse Jackson founded Operation PUSH (Pass Us Some Honey!). An organization dedicated to the extortion of whitey.
On this date in l998, the House, debating whether to impeach Bill Clinton, saw him pull something out of his pants and say, ''Ain't THIS a peach!''
Ex-Mickey Mouser Christina Aguilera turns 33 today! You know, I didn't think I'd like her on The Voice.
I was right.
The ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, turns 35 today. I don't know what Scientology's Lord Xenu ever saw in her.
Wrestler/actor ''Stone Cold'' Steve Austin turns 49 today! Steve Austin's so tough, he once had a staring contest with the sun... AND WON!
Brad Pitt turns 5O today! He looks so young, I could swear he's sucking the life-force out of Angelina Jolie.
Comedian Ron White turns 57 today! He thinks Baskin-Robbins should have a 32nd flavor... Britney Spears.
Film reviewer Leonard Maltin turns 63 today! If you can't do, you teach. If you can't teach, you review. If you can't do that, you're Leonard Maltin.
Movie producer/director Steven Spielberg turns 67 today! Quit trying to cure my insomnia, Steven. Try making a GOOD movie for a change.
Rolling Stoner Keith Richards turns 7O today! He actually died years ago, but all the hard drugs in his system keeps him from realizing it.
NBC's The Biggest Loser trainer Bob Harper reveals he's gay! That gives a whole new meaning to when he orders the male contestants to "Drop and give me twenty!"
Studies show that men cheat more during the Christmas holidays. Hey, if a woman wants to give me a gift, it would be rude of me to say no.
Studies show that sexual frustration can shorten a man's life. I guess that explains why husbands die an average of lO years before their wives.
On this date in l865, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony was performed for the first time. Being unfinished, the audience is still waiting for it to end.
On this date in l9O3, the Wright Brothers are the first to successfully fly! Quickly forgetting they were actually trying to invent a washing machine.
On this date in l933, the Chicago Bears beat the New York Giants in the first NFL championship game, while the Cowboys began their proud tradition of making excuses.
On this date in l938, two German chemists discover nuclear fission.
''It was hidden in Hitler's mustache the whole time,'' they laughed.
On this date in 2Oll, Kim Jong-il died! Ironically, the mortician got to do to him what he'd been doing to North Korea for over ten years.
Ten years ago today, an attempt to recreate the Wright Brothers' first flight failed. There's no shame in failing, only in not succeeding.
Five years ago today, Hall of Famer Sammy Baugh died at 94. His life cut tragically short from injuries sustained from playing pro football.
One year ago today, two NASA spacecraft were deliberately crashed into the moon! Coincidentally, the person at the controls was female. And Asian.
Actress Milla Jovovich turns 38 today! She's been naked in movies so many times in the last 2O years, you'd think we'd know who she is.
Acting twins Giovanni and Marissa Ribisi both turn 39 today! Giovanni has a twin? And all this time I thought he was just a cross-dresser.
Actor Bill Pullman turns 6O today! FACT: Half of the acting jobs Bill Pullman gets is because people keep mistaking him for Bill Paxton.
Pope Francis turns 77 today! See, ladies? No matter who you know... you're still going to get old.
Prince William sings Living On A Prayer with Bon Jovi and Taylor Swift. Which prayer? The one his father DOESN'T have of ever becoming King.
Isn't it amazing how popular Elvis was without his mother being able to post any pictures of him on Facebook?
67 per cent disapprove of Obama's handling of our Health Care!
''That's why we voted him into office a second time, because we disapproved so much.''
Lady Gaga and the Muppets BOMBED in the TV ratings!
''Who knew people wouldn't want to watch a holiday special filled with gay propaganda?''
I bought a king-size bed. Who knew kings were so huge?
I was an only child. When I was a boy I used to sleep in a twin bed... and wonder where my brother was.
Mitt Romney, John McCain, Bob Dole are trying to tell Republicans how to win the next presidential election. That's like Sonny Bono telling us how to ski.
I need a hearing aid, but they cost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. Nobody ever tells me anything worth THAT much money.
I'm not saying my ex is a bad cook, but she could burn sushi.
Peter O'Toole 8l, Tom Laughlin 82, and Joan Fontaine 96! All dead! Sure, they were old but it was the Dallas Cowboy's last game that killed them.
Prediction 2Ol4: MTV's VMAs will be held inside Ke$ha's haunted vagina... but Miley Cyrus' performance will still be the most shocking part.
My ex might be old, but her mind's still like a steal trap. A rusty steel trap.
Answer: Tit for tat.
Question: How did Miley Cyrus pay for her l8 tattoos?
American Chimpanzee