Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear John: Special New Year's Edition

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core...
John Leslie!

Dear John,
     Can you give me any advice about a Panamanian cruise I want to take over Christmas and extending into New Year's? It's a ten to 14 day cruise from Florida, and we'll be stopping at various Panamanian ports along the way.

Dear Cruising,
Yes, there's this little brothel I like to go to when I'm slumming it in Panama. It's called "La Cucaracha." Give it a try. Tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I'd like to find out if there are any events or fun things to do in Curacao during New Year's. Also, which airline has the best price to travel on to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico?

Dear Hurry,
A fun event they have in Curacao during New Year's is their annual Running of the Hookers at midnight on New Year's Eve. I'm so glad to see you're including Mexico in your holiday vacation plans. Despite all the bad press it's received concerning all the drug violence from all the drug cartels, let me tell you, you'll never feel more alive than when you're being shot at by angry drug lords. As for any inexpensive flights... don't be cheap, you're embarrassing me.

Dear John,
     Seven senior family members (60s to 70s) are planning a trip to Hawaii for New Year's for approximately 12 days. Do you suggest we make our own arrangements to visit several islands or take the inter-island cruise? If we don't take the cruise, which islands would you suggest and for what duration of time? And can you suggest some "must-see" attractions in Hawaii?

Dear Old,
Being in my upper 60s myself, I've found it's always better to let others do the grunt work for me. I like to pay them by check, that way I can cancel it when I get back to the mainland. Personally, I like to stay on the main island and hit the bars in the homeless district. It's amazing what adventures you can find yourself in the middle of if you slip the bartender a twenty and tell him that you're looking for some action and you don't care what it costs. Some "must-see" attractions are the Japanese massage parlors by the Naval docks. Ask for the "Al Gore" special, and tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I am thinking about going to see the Christmas markets from Vienna to Munich over Thanksgiving week. Any suggestions?
     --Can't Wait

Dear Can't,
Yeah, quit thinking about it.
You're too late.

Dear John,
     I want to go to the Galapagos to see all the funny-looking animals there. When is the best season?

Dear Curious,
Judging by the family photos you've posted on Facebook, you can stay at home.

Confidential to Cubano
Since you're going to Cuba, I need you to do me a favor. There's a package I need  picked up, and I can't do it myself. Don't worry about what's inside, it's completely legit. Just go to
The Fidel Castro Pleasure Palace...
...and tell them Johnny sent you.
American Chimpanzee

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