"Yes, I am. I've read the Bible 14 times, and when I get to the part where Jesus builds the ark and saves all the animals, I find that incredibly inspiring."
"Uh, it was Noah who built the ark."
"What?"
"It was Noah who built the ark."
"Are you saying I'm wrong? I'm not wrong, I'm the man! And you'll notice that Jesus didn't save the unicorns. That's because unicorns have horns... the devil has horns... I don't think I need to spell it out for you."
"Do you feel, then, that your political career has been more of a calling than a choice?"
"Let me put it this way: I've never lost an election. Never. I give all credit to my Lord and God, Yahtzee."
"Uh, you mean Yahweh."
"What?"
"Yahweh. You know... the God of Abraham."
"No, I'm certain it's Yahtzee."
"Anyway, the reason I asked for this interview is I wanted to ask you about your misrepresentations and mistatements concerning El Paso. You've portrayed El Paso as some kind of third world war zone with car bombs going off in the streets, when, in reality, it's the 2nd safest city in the country. Some say it's the safest."
"Who said that? Obama? Obama's either stupid or a liar. The truth is there was a woman there who was recently sentenced to ten lashes just for driving a car!"
"What?"
"For driving a car. Women in El Paso aren't allowed to drive. Or read. Or to be out in public without a male relative as an escort."
"Uh, that's the Middle East."
"Are you saying I'm wrong? I'm not wrong. I'm the man. It's like the Beach Boys sang: 'Well, since she put me down, there's been owls puking in my bed.'"
"Governor, those aren't the lyrics."
"Of course they are."
"No, they're not, and that doesn't even make any sense. What the Beach Boys sang in their song Help Me, Rhonda was: 'Well, since she put me down, I've been out doin' in my head.'"
"Talk about not making any sense. Besides, I don't need to make sense. I'm the man, you understand? The Man. Now, excuse me for cutting this interview short, but I've got to go. It's like the great Jimi Hendrix--a personal friend of mine--once said: 'Scuze me, while I kiss this guy.'"
He was wrong. What Jimi Hendrix sang was: 'Scuze me, while I kiss the sky.' Plus, he's been dead since the sixties. I was going to correct him, but then I thought about all the lies he's told about El Paso.
"You're the man, Governor," I told him. "You're the man."
Fifty Shades of Funny
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