After spending four weeks at Zuccotti Park in New York City with the Occupying Wall Street protestors, I decided to come back home. The smell of ripening hippies was starting to get to me.
(On a side note, my great-grandmother, Mama Tortalini, made the best zuccotti you've ever tasted. The pasta would just melt in your mouth. When we were kids we would go into her kitchen while she was cooking, and beg for a taste of her special tomato sauce. She'd line us up, take a swig of her "medicine" from a flask she always had close at hand, and smacked each of us in the head with her heavy wooden spoon. "Shadduppa you face!" she'd scream at us with love. It was a Sicilian thing. An old world tradition. I miss my Mama Tortalini. God rest her soul.)
Once home, I was hungry to catch up on what's been happening in the world, so I picked up the El Paso Times newspaper and brought myself up to speed.
I see that the U.S. economy added 103,000 jobs last month. Unfortunately, none of them found their way to any of my deadbeat relatives who are constantly hitting me up for some cash.
"God will pay you back," they usually tell me.
Well, God better, because Lord knows they never will.
More than 1 in 10 parents skip or delay their children's vaccinations. I see that as a good thing. I'm nostalgic for diseases like polio, t.b., and whooping cough. It brought families closer together.
Texas Governor Rick Perry suggests sending U.S. troops to Mexico. Why not? That's where all our jobs are going.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev, wants a millionaire surtax to pay for the jobs bill. "If we let the millionaires keep their money," he reasoned, "they'll just waste it on silly things like expanding their businesses and hiring new employees. Better to give it to us so we can squander it properly."
A new study finds that texting while driving slows your response time. It also found that if you drive while wearing a blindfold you can't see the road.
The new iPhone was revealed, but it wasn't the 5 that everybody was expecting. Instead, it was the 4s. Apple wants to take what little money you have left after buying the 4 before they gouge you for the 5.
Mexico's blind photographers share their world of images. There's a joke here, but it's in such poor taste I'd better not write it down. What isn't in print can't be held against me in a court of law.
President Obama wants to raise our taxes to pay for his jobs bill. "For every dollar we take out of the economy," he explained, "we're going to put 11 cents back in. That's called Chicago mathematics." That's like the hospital taking out all of your blood so they can put one pint back in. If the procedure doesn't kill you, you might get better.
Obama lays out $447 billion plan to boost the U.S. economy. Now, how does he plan to come up with the $447 billion? Wait a minute, my wallet's missing!
Finance chiefs from the Group of 20 rich and developing nations are wrangling over whether the eurozone should pick up the whole bill for its escalating debt crisis, or whether the rest of the world should help more. Wherever my wallet is, I'm sure it's crying.
East El Paso crime drops by 12%. Homicide rate in El Paso maintains low trend. Somewhere, Texas Governor Rick Perry sees his bid for the presidency slipping through his fingers.
Speaking of Rick Perry, Pastor Robert Jeffress, the senior pastor at First Baptist Church in Dallas, Tx, who backs Perry says Romney is "not a Christian. But that's okay, because Jesus wasn't a Christian, either. I'm sure gonna be sad when I get to heaven, because, as a Jew, Jesus won't be allowed in."
Black students are suspended more frequently than whites. Each year, more than 3.25 million public school students nationwide are suspended at least once. Black students are suspended 3 times more often than white students. All I can say is I'd sure hate to be the one hired to do the counting.
And they say there's no jobs.
In Mexico City, the "Zeta Killers" have killed 32 of their fellow countrymen. Boy, the "Zeta Killers" sure were given the right nickname.
Puerto Rico is in no danger of becoming a state any time soon. Nobody knows how to design the U.S. flag to accomodate 51 stars.
Heir to Wal-Mart (approximate worth $20 billion) is arrested for drunk driving. In a related story, the arresting officer has been fired and is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart.
India debuts a $35 tablet computer. If you think that's cheap, you should see the price of their hookers.
And speaking of hookers, in Las Cruces, NM 3 prostitutes were arrested while working in a massage parlor. Two were in their mid- to late forties, while the third was 62. That's right, 62 years-old. Why anybody would pay for a geriatric prostitute when they could pick up a similarly aged skank in any dive bar is crazy. That's why I was so disappointed with President Clinton when it became public that he was having an affair with his fat intern. How can I respect a President whose conquests I can easily have on one of my off nights?
8% of parents regret the name they give their children. I get the feeling this poll was taken in Hollywood. Let's see... Paltrow named her child Apple, Michael Jackson named his son Blanket, Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit, and David Bowie named his boy Zowie Bowie. Yep, it's Hollywood.
And, finally, movie action has-been, Steven Seagal, has been sworn in as a deputy by Sheriff Arvin West with the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office. Really. No joke.
Maybe it's not too late to go back to those ripening hippies.
Fifty Shades of Funny