Monday, July 29, 2013

Texas Kicks New York's ASS!

I guess it's up to me to defend Texas.
     Roy Bragg of the San Antonio Express-News, the newspaper known for having a dash between Express and News, was kind enough to inform me that faux New Yorker Lewis Black has declared war. On me. On my state. On my fellow Texans.
     He and his snooty cohorts at The Daily Show, have made a 2:22 hour video slamming our great state. It's not really 2:22 hours long, it just feels that way. It's actually 2:22 minutes. Which is 2:22 of the longest minutes you'll ever have to sit through. If you want to watch it, you can go to We' and watch what they, with much creativity and originality, call "F*** Texas." If you do see it, just be sure to wash your eyes out with bleach afterward. (That was a joke. Whatever you do, DON'T wash your eyes out with bleach. You'll go blind. Do you really want that awful video to be the last thing you saw? I didn't think so.)
     I immediately got on the phone to call Lewis Black to give him a piece of my mind. And then, just as immediately, I got off. What was I thinking? I don't know Lewis Black.
     So I'll just do it here.
     Do you know, Mr. Black, what the biggest difference is between Texas and New York? With our economy, with our infrastructure, and with our industry, Texas could secede from the U.S.A. and become our own country if we wanted to. We don't want to, but only because we don't care to be woken up at 3am by a drunken United States, begging us to take it back. If you think New York could do that, then, Mr. Black, Kazakhstan laughs at you. Texas has the guts. Texas has the guns. Texas has the gumption. What does New York have? Besides government subsidies, all it has is models, murders, and Mayor Bloomberg.
     Mayor Bloomberg? Yes, Mayor Bloomberg. Please, that man's insane. He's like one of those James Bond villains whose idea of saving the world is by destroying the world. However, in Mayor Bloomberg's version of the movie, James Bond would be played by Woody Allen.
     How else are Texans better than New Yorkers? Have you ever ridden on a New York subway, Mr. Black? Then you know, on the subway there's much pushing and shoving and even more pushing. New Yorkers sure like to push a lot. But watch out when you come down here, Mr. Black. In Texas, we don't push. WE PUNCH!
     Besides, we don't have subways in Texas. We have cars. We go where we want, when we want, and as fast as we want. In New York, you can only drive as fast as the next red light at the next stop light.
     New Yorkers are consumers. Texans are producers. If you, Mr. Black are any indication, the only thing New Yorkers produce is bullshit. In Texas, our bullshit comes from actual bulls.
     The Texas state motto is: "Live Free or Die Hard!" No, wait... that's another state's motto. (Another state that Texas is better than, by the way.) Our motto actually is: "Boy, Don't Make Us Kick Your ASS!" What's New York's state motto? "You Can't Smoke Here!"
     I don't know what New York's state flower is, but OUR state flower can kick YOUR state flower's ASS!
     Another thing that makes our state so much greater, is that the living-legend, Chuck Norris, is from Texas, and, if he isn't, he should have been. What makes Chuck Norris so great? Besides coming up with the polio vaccine and inventing blood, one tear from Chuck Norris can cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries. I'm sure that's true, because I read it in a book about Chuck Norris facts, and if it's in a book, it must be true. Did you know another thing Chuck Norris can do? He's so fast, he can run around in a circle and kick his own ASS!
     Dang, that's fast.
     Texas is the BIGGEST state in the Union. Oh, sure, some know-it-all academics, and probably even you, claim that Alaska (another state Texas is better than) is, but take away all that ice and all those Eskimos, and what do you have? Rhode Island's little brother.
     How many presidents have come from New York? Yeah, that's what I thought. Do you know how many presidents have come from Texas? Well, I don't either, but I bet it's a shitload. The latest one, of course, being President George W. Bush, who famously said: "I never met a man I didn't like... to send overseas in an illegal war to kick some ASS!"
     That's another thing, Mr. Black, to make a living, New York's Wall Street might, like you say, break the law, but in Texas our wars break the law. None of that kowtowing to Congress for a vote. We see a problem, we kick its ASS!
     The state song of Texas is "The Yellow Rose of Texas," which sounds rather pansy to me, but I bet even New Yorkers will admit that it's downright macho compare to New York's state song, "It's Raining Men."
     In Texas, we Remember The Alamo! In New York, you remember to tip your doorman.
     In Texas, we can buy our sodas as big as we want. You've heard the saying, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas. What? What's that, you say? Nothing's as big as the Statue Of Liberty? (A gift from France, I might add. The last time Texas got anything from France, we needed a shot of penicillin to clear it up.) Not even our giant statue of a cowboy we call Big Tex (A landmark made in Texas by Texas for Texas.)? Well, let me tell you something, Monsieur Black, if Lady Liberty and Big Tex ever got in a fight, Big Tex would kick her ASS!
     And don't give me any of that feminist guff about Big Tex being a man and The Statue of Liberty being a woman. In Texas, our feminists came up with their own sexual position. They like to do it cowgirl-style. What sexual position has New York come up with? The If-You-Can-Read-This-Tattoo-I-Must-Be-In-Prison position?
     South of Texas we have the murderous, blood-crazed drug lords of Mexico. North of New York you have--what?--Canadians? Okay, we'll call that one a draw.
     In Texas, we have the great city of El Paso. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. I just like El Paso.
     No, Mr. Black, you just stay up there in New York, if you want. All that shouting and shoving and spitting while you talk might be part of the culture up there, but it won't be tolerated down here. It's like another great Texas president once said: "I never met a man I didn't like... to kick his ASS!" (I don't remember which Texas president it was, but I'm sure if he wanted me to know, he'd of told me.)
     One last thing, Mr. Black, do you know what our state icon is? It's a picture of an ass. Being KICKED!
     In a way, I guess I should thank you, Lewis (Can I call you Lewis? What do you mean no? Why, that's too bad, Lewis. I'm from Texas. I'll call you what I want.). It was by researching this column that I learned that New Yorkers are not Texans.
     They just wish they were.

American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Too Much Weiner

I'll never forgive Anthony Weiner for what he did.
     Carlos Danger was the name I was using on OKCupid, but Anthony Weiner forced me to change it when he started using it for his own allegedly perverted purposes.
     Now that The Weiner is in the news again, showing America how NOT to learn from your mistakes, I've received thousands (Well, it's definitely in the hundreds... unless it's in the tens... um, how 'bout we just keep it in single digits just to be safe? Okay, it was just me.) of requests to reprint
The Good, The Bad, and The Weiner
originally posted on 6-6-11

     The press conference was brutal. 
     It was harder than Bill Clinton at the Miss Arkansas Pageant.  Why Congressman Anthony Weiner, the man in line to become New York's next mayor, would willingly show up to a press conference addressing his Weinergate scandal is beyond me.  (I add the "gate," not because of the severity of his action, but because of the ineptitude of his denial.)  He was advised not to, but decided to override his closest and wisest political advisers because "I'm stupid." However, if there's one thing he's learned it's to never underestimate the short memories of the American voter.
         While Rep. Weiner (D) wanted to address the important issues of the day at the press conference, such as who's going to replace Steve Carell on The Office or if there will be a Hangover III, the press only wanted to ask him about whether or not he sent a photo of his junk to a 21 year-old female college student.
     Weiner wouldn't bite.
     "Dana," he said, replying to a question from Dana Bash, CNN Senior Congressional Correspondent, "if I was giving a speech to 45,000 people and someone in the back of the room threw a pie or yelled out an insult, would I spend the next two hours responding to that?"
     That opened up a whole new line of questioning concerning national security.
     Bash:  Who threw the pie?
     Weiner:  I'd rather not speculate on who may or may not have thrown the pie.
     Unidentified Man:  What kind of pie was it, sir?  Was it coconut cream?
     Weiner:  Nice try, but I am not going to let myself be distracted by answering that.  We have far more important issues to talk about.  Will our economy improve?  Will the price of gasoline go down?  Will Charlie Sheen ever return to Two And A Half Men?
     Bash:  Did you throw the pie, Congressman?  Is that why you won't answer the question?
     Weiner:  While I am almost positive that I didn't throw the pie, I cannot be 100% certain that it wasn't me.  Therefore, I am not going to answer until all the facts are in.
     Unidentified Man:  Why won't you just tell us what kind of pie it was?
     Weiner:  Because I'm not going to let what I see as a good-natured prank from a mischievous scamp keep me from doing the job I was hired to do.  A job that includes taxing, spending, and borrowing money from China.  But, trust me, I am taking this very seriously.  While I may not have contacted any of Capital Hill's law enforcement agencies, I have contacted Betty Crocker.
     Days later, at another hastily called press conference, the dirty, dirty man finally came clean.  He broke down and tearfully confessed that the pie in question was banana cream with nuts.  His wife was conspicuously absent from his side.  She had just stepped out for a pack of cigarettes with the former Mrs. Jim McGreevey. 
     When he was done with his mea culpa he paused for a moment, wiped a tear away with the back of his hand, bravely faced the men and women gathered in front of him like a pack of rabid jackals, and spoke to them on a personal level.  He asked them to look into their hearts and answer him honestly.
     "Do you think Eliot Spitzer needs a co-host?"
El Paso!  A Horny Politician-Free Zone!
American Chimpanzee

Monday, July 22, 2013

Subliminal News Reporting

Robert Moore
Editor of the El Paso Times and
Former Double-0 Agent
     Well, the Times (funny pun) has come.
     After much thought (and many drinks), the editorial staff has decided (been ordered) to change the look of this newspaper's (boring) appearance, and give it it's first (What?) major overhaul in over three presidential (Go Romney!( elections (Vote Ortega).  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks (or whenever we get around to it), and we hope (pray) you'll enjoy (buy) our newspaper's new (gimmick) design.
     This redesign will also incorporate (as opposed to outcoporate) a new reporting feature I (Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I (want a raise) thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my (newspaper editors are sexy) recent purchase of the Brooklyn (watch FX's new hit TV show, The) Bridge. It's like the news scroll you see  (but don't read) at the bottom of your TV screen during news reports, only (not )better.
     For our older (the only ones buying newspapers these days) readers, we're increasing the size try putting on your glasses for a change, old man) of our type, and ("Speak up! I can't hear you!") repeating everything twice. This way they'll (subscribe) be assured to receive the best (as well as our usual content) in news reporting, and  (less news + filling up more space = a bigger bonus for me) it will make our newspaper easier and more pleasurable (mmm... donuts) to read.
     For our younger (Get a haircut, hippie!) readers, we'll  try to (keep our words limited to one or two syllables) include more entertainment news (that Justin Bieber's a jerk... allegedly) and (silly us) cartoons.
     (Aw, who are we kidding? We're not actually doing anything for our younger (Benghazi. "Ben who?" Exactly.) readers, since they (don't buy newspapers) seem to prefer getting their news from (communist liberals) The Daily Show and (Curse you, internet!) alternate (Me? I prefer The Onion.) sources.)
     We've decided to keep the (unfunny) comic Doonesbury, but are moving it back to the comics page where it originally was (unread) for years. 
     Yes, our look is changing, but it is our (five-year) mission ("Space, the final frontier.") to continue to give you "Luke, I am your father.") the best (or whatever's cheap), most in-depth (mmm... depth) reporting available, while also providing an unbiased (Triple-A baseball rules!) summary of local (Go, Aardvarks!) and national (Trump. Boo!) issues. We also hope to bring (sell) you the latest in (Sum Ting Wong) pop culture and (newspapers good) technological (internet bad) advances.
     I invite you (not really) to keep in touch with me (please don't) and let me (bother USA Today instead) know what you think (or not) about our new look. You can send your emails (where they'll immediately be deleted) to bmoore@(pleasebuythe)ElPasoTimes(I'mbeggingyou).com.
     Thank you for reading (and subscribing to) the El Paso Times.
(You can stop reading now.)
American Chimpanzee

Friday, July 19, 2013

Dear John (7-19-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie!

Dear John,
                My grandfather passed away last month, and the wake was catered by a close friend of the family who owns a restaurant. He closed off a section of his dining hall for our family.
                The meal included 15 children under the age of 10, and they were absolute monsters. My nephew threw his shoe across the room and then tripped a waitress. These kids crawled under the table, poking us with forks and smearing food into the carpet. My cousin’s 8 year-old daughter out open condiment packets into my purse and a baked potato in my mother’s coat pocket and then mashed it into the fabric.
                People from other areas of the restaurant complained after my nephew threw food at them. My husband and I left, leaving a large tip for the servers. Other relatives did the same. The dining room was an utter disaster. Before we left town the next morning, my husband and I stopped by the restaurant and left additional money for the inconvenience of cleaning food out of the carpet. My grandmother asked the owner for a full bill of the damage and presented it to those children whose offspring made the mess. It started a huge family fight, and, of course, nobody is taking responsibility for their kids.
                I’ve never seen such appalling behavior, and I doubt my grandfather would have appreciated such disrespect. My husband and I are tempted to send the restaurant owner an anonymous money order because we doubt he will otherwise be compensated.
                My parents are supposed to have their 50th wedding anniversary party at this restaurant next month, and the guest list is almost identical. They’re too embarrassed to go, but don’t want to lose their deposit.
                Should I send a money order? Whatever happened to manners?

Dear Shocked,
                It sounds like you have a lot of cash. Forget those losers, it just so happens I’m looking for investors for my next XXX classic. Additional personal attention fees are negotiable.

Dear John,
                Every time I look in the papers, I see articles about wars, death, etc., but never about the homeless, especially homeless children and runaways. Why is that? These children are our future. There seems to be money for everything from new jails to fixing swimming pools, but not one word about money for the homeless.

Dear Frustrated,
                It just so happens I’m between movie deals and need a place to stay. Since you’re so interested in helping the homeless, maybe you can put me up for a couple of months. Payments in the form of personal attention fees are negotiable. 

Dear John,
                I read the letter from “Cal in Maine,” who complained that his grandchildren rarely communicate with him. I have reread and shared that letter many times.
                I totally agree with him, as my older grandchildren seem to care little about keeping in touch. But I also remember how little I cared about keeping in touch with my own grandparents 40 years ago.

Dear Remembering,
                I’m just the guy to help. If you’re feeling lonely, personal attention fees are negotiable.

Confidential To Shunned
Personal attention fees are negotiable.

American Chimpanzee

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Supreme Court VS Homosexuality

As a proud gay urban warrior straight outta Compton, it pleased me that the Supreme Court of the United States of America finally recognized the gay community's right to exist. It kept me from having to go down to Washington DC and "change" a few minds the Chicago way. You feel me?
     Well, maybe if you stood closer.
     Personally, I'm against gay marriage. Why do I want to be a part of a failing institution? Why do I want to be accepted by the part of society that doesn't want to accept me? Why does that rash keep coming back?
     No, my brothers and sisters, as a proud gay urban warrior I decided to come up with my own solution. Something better than marriage.
     Something better?
     That's right, something better.
     I decided to adopt my lover, my soul mate. The two of us have been in a committed, almost-monogamous relationship for two weeks, and, besides the legal perks adopting him would give us, it would also add a naughty spiciness to our lovemaking. You feel me?
     Well, maybe if you stood closer.
     It's no secret that there are some in the gay community who are confused about who they are. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I getting that rash again?
     So it was a pleasant surprise to receive in the mail a test that the Supreme Court came up with to help you decide your sexuality. Haven't got yours yet?
     Don't worry, that's what I'm here for.
     Personally, I don't need to take a test. I'm quite secure in my own particular brand of longer-than-it-is-wide masculinity. I tried it. I liked it. That is who I am. You feel me?
     Oh, yesss... yes, you do... mmm, yeah...
     And don't worry about the rash.
Part One

1.  How would you tell your Uncle Moe that a particular girl is a prostitute?
     a)  She's a pro, Moe.
     b)  She's a hooker, Moe.
     c)  She's a ho, Moe.

2.  When your Uncle Moe wonders who your favorite singer is, you tell him...
     a)  Dean Martin, Moe.
     b)  Tom Jones, Moe.
     c)  Don Ho, Moe.

3.  Your Uncle Moe has forgotten how Santa Laughs.  Can you help him?
     a)  Ha, ha, ha, Moe.
     b)  Hee, hee, hee, Moe.
     c)  Ho, ho, ho, Moe.

4.  When Uncle Moe asks which is your favorite gardening tool, you answer...
     a)  I like the shovel, Moe.
     b)  I like the rake, Moe.
     c)  I like the hoe, Moe.

5.  After playing all day with your Uncle Moe, you say...
     a)  I'm leaving for my house, Moe.
     b)  I'm departing for my abode, Moe.
     c)  I'm going home, Moe.

Part Two
1.  Hear is to ear, as see is to ___.
2.  Dislike is to hate, as like is to ____.
3.  Tiny is to small, as large is to ___.
4.  Flaccid is to soft, as rigid is to ____.
5.  B's are to A's, as two's are to ____.


1.  What do you call a hot dog?
     a) a frankfurter
     b)  a wiener
     c)  my friend


1.  If you LOOKED at this test, you have homosexual tendencies.
2.  If you READ THROUGH this test, you have acted on those tendencies.
3.  And if you actually TOOK this test, then the Supreme Court has determined that you are a homosexual.

American Chimpanzee

Friday, July 12, 2013

Dear John (7-12-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie!

Dear John,
                I am married to a wonderful woman who is generous and helpful. We are both retired, in good health, and live comfortably. We are also baby-sitting two of our grandchildren five days a week, nine months out of the year. We love our grandchildren, but I feel this is too much.
                The problem is, when I talk to my wife about doing less so we could take the winter off and spend it in a warmer climate, she refuses. I want to enjoy my retirement. Winters here are depressing, and limit our physical activities.
                I don’t feel it would be right for me to travel by myself or spend my time in a warmer and more enjoyable place while she stays home and baby-sits.
                How can I get her to realize that the years slip by, and that if we don’t enjoy ourselves, it may be too late when the grandkids no longer need us to baby-sit.

Dear Frustrated,
                You can’t. Get a mistress.

Dear John,
                This is in reply to the widow in Florida who complained that she is unable to make new friends.
                I suggest she find a local animal shelter where she can volunteer her time. Most shelters welcome volunteers, especially during the week. Whether or not she makes new human friends, the animals she works with will appreciate the time she spends with them and wild display a love and loyalty she will treasure forever.

Dear Helpful,
                How about you leave the advice-giving to the professionals?

Dear John,
                My husband works a private college. His male boss had an affair with one of the female directors under him. My husband found out about it and, after much deliberation, brought it to the attention of the human resources department. The president of the college was informed, but he only put the two guilty parties on suspension for two weeks.
                Meanwhile, my husband still has to work for this guy, and this guy constantly undermines him. It is obvious that there is no future for my husband at this college. The affair is still going on, but my husband has told no one else. The spouses are in the dark, too.
                My husband has only worked for this college for a few years. Until this affair, he loved his job and did it well. Our daughter graduates high school next year, and we were hoping she could attend this school tuition-free. Instead, we may have to move, losing whatever benefits we may have accrued.
                Should my husband ask for compensation when he leaves, such as some kind of tuition benefit? The president is about to retire and has no interest in moving my husband to a different department.
                How do we handle this?
                --Mrs. Snitch

Dear Snitch,
                The only time it pays to open your mouth is when you’re in the adult entertainment industry. Quit wasting my time, loser.

Confidential To Picky
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

American Chimpanzee

Monday, July 8, 2013

I'm Just Saying...

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she's lost weight, so, like Pluto, she's no longer classified as a planet.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying when she rode on It's A Small World, Disneyland had to change the name of the ride.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying the tide rises and lowers depending on how close she stands to the ocean.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying space aliens have built a secret base on the dark side of her moon.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying friends to try to set her up no longer tell the potential date that she has a nice personality. They just admit that, "yeah, she's fat."

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying even Captain Kirk refuses to go "where no man has gone before."

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she once jumped for joy... and got stuck!

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying, you've heard of A Boy Named Sue? Well, she's A Girl Named Sue-weee!

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying the shirpas of Mount Everest have a base camp located on her left knee.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying that there's no such thing as Global Warming. That's just my ex having one of her hot flashes.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying that Japan never had a tsunami until my ex did a cannonball into the Pacific Ocean.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying the once very pregnant Kim Kardashian laughs at the size of her ass.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she was initially chosen to play "Precious," but the director couldn't figure out a way to make her fit the screen.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying when the Greek God Sisyphus was given a choice to either push a boulder or my ex up a mountain, he chose the boulder.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying when you think of the irresitable force versus the immovable object, think of my ex's asscheeks pressing against each other.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying the zoo pays her to walk around so that the elephants can feel thin.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying that, whenever she steps outside, people think there's an eclipse.

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she once farted in New Orleans and the National Weather Service named it Katrina.

American Chimpanzee

Friday, July 5, 2013

Dear John (7-5-13)

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!

Dear John,
     My wife of 38 years recently reconnected on Facebook with the guy she was seeing before we started dating. She spent a lengthy amount of time catching up with him on the phone, and then asked whether I would be upset if she met with him. I told her yes I'd be upset, and I forbade her to go.
      She went anyway.
     Over the next two weeks, I've discovered (via our cellphone bill) that he and my wife have been having multiple long conversations. When I told her this upset me, she just laughed. She saw nothing wrong with her behavior, saying I would laugh, too, if I had a sense of humor.
     I was angry and hurt. I told her that if she valued me at all, she was to cut all ties with this guy and not see or speak with him again. I made it clear that she was crossing a line and was jeopardizing our marriage.
     Well, to make a long story short, she's still seeing this guy. What am I to do?

Dear Heartbroken,
Sorry, man. I didn't know she was your wife.

Dear John,
     I can relate to "Native New Yorker," whose voice is hoarse and gravelly. My Southern accent was so pronounced and slow that, when I moved west, people could hardly understand me. Wanting desperately to blend in, I sought the services of a speech therapist. By mistake I went to a sex therapist. Let's just say that people have no problem understanding me now.
     For the record, I find "hoarse and gravelly" very sexy.

Dear Tongue-Tied,
A girl I once dated had a voice that was hoarse and gravelly. As it turned out, she had throat cancer. When she died, I helped myself to whatever she had that was of any value.
It helped me through a hard time.

Dear John,
     My husband has the bad habit of interrupting me while I'm still talking. He anticipates what I'm going to say, and will answer before I'm finished speaking. If I ask what he wants from the grocery store, he will start telling me while I'm still asking, which means I can't hear what he says.
     This is both annoying and rude, but he doesn't get it. Any ideas?

Dear Frustrated,
God gave you two ears and one mouth, because listening is twice as important as talking. He also gave you two eyes. Those are for blackening when your spouse doesn't know when to keep their big yaps shut.

Confidential To On The Wagon
To be honest, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Hiking Hints

The Ten Essential Items You Need On A Hike
     1) Porn--Because you never know how long you'll be away from your wife.
     2) Cigarettes--It'll give you something to do while you're busy doing nothing.
     3) Drugs--If you're going to die, you might as well enjoy yourself.
     4) Booze--It's important to stay hydrated. And drunk.
     5) A Whistle--To annoy as many animals in the wilderness as you possibly can.
     6) A Compass--When you die, at least you'll know where North is.
     7) Duct Tape--Duct tape is a multi-purpose tool. With it, you can set a broken limb or bind the wrists, feet, and mouth of your hostage.
     8) Water--In case there's an al-Quida terrorist you need to torture so he'll tell you where Osama bin Laden is.*
     9) Rope--Rope is the perfect hiking essential for when you finally decide to put yourself out of your misery.
     10) A Mirror--For Men: To signal any passing airplanes or helicopters that may fly over. For Women: To check your make-up in case your rescuer is cute.
American Chimpanzee

*What? You say Osama bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six? Sure he was. And the NSA doesn't listen in on your private phone calls either.