Roy Bragg of the San Antonio Express-News, the newspaper known for having a dash between Express and News, was kind enough to inform me that faux New Yorker Lewis Black has declared war. On me. On my state. On my fellow Texans.
He and his snooty cohorts at The Daily Show, have made a 2:22 hour video slamming our great state. It's not really 2:22 hours long, it just feels that way. It's actually 2:22 minutes. Which is 2:22 of the longest minutes you'll ever have to sit through. If you want to watch it, you can go to We'reSmarterThanYou.com and watch what they, with much creativity and originality, call "F*** Texas." If you do see it, just be sure to wash your eyes out with bleach afterward. (That was a joke. Whatever you do, DON'T wash your eyes out with bleach. You'll go blind. Do you really want that awful video to be the last thing you saw? I didn't think so.)
I immediately got on the phone to call Lewis Black to give him a piece of my mind. And then, just as immediately, I got off. What was I thinking? I don't know Lewis Black.
So I'll just do it here.
Do you know, Mr. Black, what the biggest difference is between Texas and New York? With our economy, with our infrastructure, and with our industry, Texas could secede from the U.S.A. and become our own country if we wanted to. We don't want to, but only because we don't care to be woken up at 3am by a drunken United States, begging us to take it back. If you think New York could do that, then, Mr. Black, Kazakhstan laughs at you. Texas has the guts. Texas has the guns. Texas has the gumption. What does New York have? Besides government subsidies, all it has is models, murders, and Mayor Bloomberg.
Mayor Bloomberg? Yes, Mayor Bloomberg. Please, that man's insane. He's like one of those James Bond villains whose idea of saving the world is by destroying the world. However, in Mayor Bloomberg's version of the movie, James Bond would be played by Woody Allen.
How else are Texans better than New Yorkers? Have you ever ridden on a New York subway, Mr. Black? Then you know, on the subway there's much pushing and shoving and even more pushing. New Yorkers sure like to push a lot. But watch out when you come down here, Mr. Black. In Texas, we don't push. WE PUNCH!
Besides, we don't have subways in Texas. We have cars. We go where we want, when we want, and as fast as we want. In New York, you can only drive as fast as the next red light at the next stop light.
New Yorkers are consumers. Texans are producers. If you, Mr. Black are any indication, the only thing New Yorkers produce is bullshit. In Texas, our bullshit comes from actual bulls.
The Texas state motto is: "Live Free or Die Hard!" No, wait... that's another state's motto. (Another state that Texas is better than, by the way.) Our motto actually is: "Boy, Don't Make Us Kick Your ASS!" What's New York's state motto? "You Can't Smoke Here!"
I don't know what New York's state flower is, but OUR state flower can kick YOUR state flower's ASS!
Another thing that makes our state so much greater, is that the living-legend, Chuck Norris, is from Texas, and, if he isn't, he should have been. What makes Chuck Norris so great? Besides coming up with the polio vaccine and inventing blood, one tear from Chuck Norris can cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries. I'm sure that's true, because I read it in a book about Chuck Norris facts, and if it's in a book, it must be true. Did you know another thing Chuck Norris can do? He's so fast, he can run around in a circle and kick his own ASS!
Dang, that's fast.
Texas is the BIGGEST state in the Union. Oh, sure, some know-it-all academics, and probably even you, claim that Alaska (another state Texas is better than) is, but take away all that ice and all those Eskimos, and what do you have? Rhode Island's little brother.
How many presidents have come from New York? Yeah, that's what I thought. Do you know how many presidents have come from Texas? Well, I don't either, but I bet it's a shitload. The latest one, of course, being President George W. Bush, who famously said: "I never met a man I didn't like... to send overseas in an illegal war to kick some ASS!"
That's another thing, Mr. Black, to make a living, New York's Wall Street might, like you say, break the law, but in Texas our wars break the law. None of that kowtowing to Congress for a vote. We see a problem, we kick its ASS!
The state song of Texas is "The Yellow Rose of Texas," which sounds rather pansy to me, but I bet even New Yorkers will admit that it's downright macho compare to New York's state song, "It's Raining Men."
In Texas, we Remember The Alamo! In New York, you remember to tip your doorman.
In Texas, we can buy our sodas as big as we want. You've heard the saying, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas. What? What's that, you say? Nothing's as big as the Statue Of Liberty? (A gift from France, I might add. The last time Texas got anything from France, we needed a shot of penicillin to clear it up.) Not even our giant statue of a cowboy we call Big Tex (A landmark made in Texas by Texas for Texas.)? Well, let me tell you something, Monsieur Black, if Lady Liberty and Big Tex ever got in a fight, Big Tex would kick her ASS!
And don't give me any of that feminist guff about Big Tex being a man and The Statue of Liberty being a woman. In Texas, our feminists came up with their own sexual position. They like to do it cowgirl-style. What sexual position has New York come up with? The If-You-Can-Read-This-Tattoo-I-Must-Be-In-Prison position?
South of Texas we have the murderous, blood-crazed drug lords of Mexico. North of New York you have--what?--Canadians? Okay, we'll call that one a draw.
In Texas, we have the great city of El Paso. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. I just like El Paso.
No, Mr. Black, you just stay up there in New York, if you want. All that shouting and shoving and spitting while you talk might be part of the culture up there, but it won't be tolerated down here. It's like another great Texas president once said: "I never met a man I didn't like... to kick his ASS!" (I don't remember which Texas president it was, but I'm sure if he wanted me to know, he'd of told me.)
One last thing, Mr. Black, do you know what our state icon is? It's a picture of an ass. Being KICKED!
In a way, I guess I should thank you, Lewis (Can I call you Lewis? What do you mean no? Why, that's too bad, Lewis. I'm from Texas. I'll call you what I want.). It was by researching this column that I learned that New Yorkers are not Texans.
They just wish they were.