Monday, July 22, 2013

Subliminal News Reporting

by
Robert Moore
Editor of the El Paso Times and
Former Double-0 Agent
 
 
     Well, the Times funny pun has come.
     After much thought and many drinks, the editorial staff has decided been ordered to change the look of this newspaper's boring appearance, and give it it's first What? major overhaul in over three presidential Go Romney! elections Vote Ortega.  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks or whenever we get around to it, and we hope pray you'll enjoy buy our newspaper's new gimmick design.
     This redesign will also incorporate as opposed to outcoporate a new reporting feature I Yay, me! like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I want a raise thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my newspaper editors are sexy recent purchase of the Brooklyn watch FX's new hit TV show, The Bridge. It's like the news scroll you see  but don't read at the bottom of your TV screen during news reports, only not better.
     For our older the only ones buying newspapers these days readers, we're increasing the size try putting on your glasses for a change, old man of our type, and "Speak up! I can't hear you!" repeating everything twice. This way they'll subscribe be assured to receive the best as well as our usual content in news reporting, and  less news + filling up more space = a bigger bonus for me it will make our newspaper easier and more pleasurable mmm... donuts to read.
     For our younger Get a haircut, hippie! readers, we'll  try to keep our words limited to one or two syllables include more entertainment news that Justin Bieber's a jerk... allegedly and silly us cartoons.
     (Aw, who are we kidding? We're not actually doing anything for our younger Benghazi. "Ben who?" Exactly. readers, since they don't buy newspapers seem to prefer getting their news from communist liberals The Daily Show and Curse you, internet! alternate Me? I prefer The Onion. sources.)
     We've decided to keep the unfunny comic Doonesbury, but are moving it back to the comics page where it originally was unread for years. 
     Yes, our look is changing, but it is our five-year mission "Space, the final frontier." to continue to give you "Luke, I am your father." the best or whatever's cheap, most in-depth mmm... depth reporting available, while also providing an unbiased Triple-A baseball rules! summary of local Go, Aardvarks! and national Obamacare. Boo! issues. We also hope to bring sell you the latest in Sum Ting Wong pop culture and newspapers good technological internet bad advances.
     I invite you not really to keep in touch with me please don't and let me bother Joe Muench instead know what you think or not about our new look. You can send your emails where they'll immediately be deleted to bmoore@pleasebuytheElPasoTimesI'mbeggingyou.com.
     Thank you for reading and subscribing to the El Paso Times.
 
You can stop reading now.
 
 
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@JimDuchene
 

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