The Week In Tweets: Special A Herpes-Free Christmas Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  

Buckingham Palace Reports That Prince Philip, The Duke Of Edinburgh, Has Been Admitted To The Hospital Over A "Pre-Existing" Condition!

That's okay, Philip, herpes is nothing to be embarrassed about.

  

Adam Driver Walked Out Of An NPR Interview When Terry Gross Played A Clip Of Him In His Latest Movie!

"I don't like to look at myself," the Star Wars actor explained.

Now you know how the rest of us feel.
  
Aging Thespian Robert De Niro Says President Trump Should Get Hit In The Face With A Bag Of Excrement "Because He Needs To Be Humiliated."
Getting old is no fun, kids.
  
Miley Cyrus Shares A Touching Holiday Message For Her Fans Who Are Feeling Lonely This Festive Season!
"I'LL have sex with you. The line starts behind the dumpster."
  
Christmas Mass Has Been Cancelled At Notre Dame de Paris For The First And Only Time Since 1803!
"It's not because of the fire that burnt down the cathedral," spokespriest Father Guido Sarducci explained. "It's just that no one goes to mass any more."
  
England's Queen Elizabeth To Acknowledge A "Bumpy" 2019 In Her Special Christmas Message To Her Loyal Subjects!
Before she starts, can someone please remove any sharp objects within her reach?
  
The Head Of The Catholic Church Lead Midnight Mass On Christmas Eve At Saint Peter's Basilica In The Vatican!
"Notre Dame's a joke," he spat derisively when he was done.
  
'Twas the night before Christmas
Nancy Pelosi was soused
Her impeachment went nowhere
And still stuck in the house
  
Is Die Hard A Christmas Movie?
No one cares.
  
Six Word Horror Story:
Santa descended the chimney.
In pieces.
  
I re-gifted my mother-in-law the Christmas gift she got me last year.
She gave me nothing and that's what I gave her back.

  
  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Impeachable Me Edition!

Donald Trump Is So Smart

  

...no one's ever had to tell him the saying "If at first you don't succeed..."!

  

...he can lead a horse to water AND make it drink!

  

...he never says "Who's your daddy?"
He KNOWS the answer.

  

...he's never had to read a book!

He only has to hold the book in his John Henry-sized hands to absorb its contents.

  

...speaking of books, he CAN judge a book by its cover!

  

...he once stared ignorance in the face, and ignorance backed down!

  

...when he goes to Las Vegas he doesn't count cards, he counts his winnings!

  

...when you look up the word "smart" in the dictionary you'll find a photograph of Albert Einstein...
...POINTING at a picture of Donald Trump!

  

...he's not politically correct!

He's just correct.

  

...when Descartes said "I think, therefore I am," he meant "I think, therefore I am...
...not as smart as Trump"!

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

*a tip of the hat to Ian Spector*

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Stable Genius Edition!

Donald Trump Is So Smart

  

...he's counted from one to infinity SEVENTEEN times!

  

...he can beat you in a game of Connect Four with his first move!

  

...he's got only one pair of chromosomes and they're BOTH smarter than you are!

  

...when he left college his brain stayed behind to get an MBA!

  

...when he leaves office America will no longer be a democracy, it will be a Trumpocracy!

  

...if he had been alive two thousand years ago, Baby Jesus wouldn't have needed THREE Wisemen!

  

...scientists have concluded that the energy emitted by a Black Hole is roughly one-tenth of his brain power!

  

...he can play Russian roulette with a loaded gun and win!

  

...he doesn't have to play God!

Playing is for children.

  

...that you can fool so e of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can never fool Donald Trump!

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

*a tip of the hat to Ian Spector*

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Lack-Of-Ability Edition!

In any conversation with my boss, he goes blah, blah, blah about nothing I care about, and, when he's done, I just agree.

  

Taking a nap.

Or, as I like to call it, pressing life's "Pause" button.

  

I only ask you about your day so I can tell you about mine.
  
There are NO limits to what you can do.
Lack of ability?
That'll stop you every time.
  
I set up a camera in my house to see if my maid was stealing from me.
You know what?
She STOLE it!

  
Fake News Report!
Did you know it was Ozzy Osbourne's birthday yesterday?
Neither did Ozzy Osbourne.
  
This Just In!
Paul McCartney & Rihanna Run Into Each Other While On A Plane!
Sadly, neither one knew who the other one was.
  
Fake News Reports!
Richard E. Grant Hefts A Heaping Helping Of Hurrahs On The New Star Wars Movie!
That would mean more if I knew who Richard E. Grant was.
  
Fake News Reports!
Penguin Random House, the publisher of Barack & Michelle Obama, pledge to donate 300,000 children's books in addition to the one million they've already given.
Why not donate some money?
"The Obama's took it all," a spokesman admitted.
  
My wife says I' no worse than any other husband.
Hmm... I wonder just how many OTHER husbands she's had.

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Hermanos

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

    

“Only love can break your heart.”

--Neil Young

  

I had bad news for my father

     His younger brother, whom I wrote about back in 2015, had lost his battle with cancer.

     I went into my father’s bedroom. He was awake, just looking at the ceiling.

     “Aren’t you going to get out of bed?” I asked.

     “Can’t,” he said. “I’m dead.”

     “What makes you think you’re dead?”

     “Because I woke up and nothing hurts.”

     That reminded me of how I first heard my uncle was sick. I was sitting by my father in the den, me on my laptop and him watching TV.

     “What're you doing?” he wanted to know.

     "Research,” I told him. “On Google."

     "What's a google?"

     "Well,” I explained, “Google is a search engine. You ask it a question, and it gives you the answer."

     "I don't believe it."

     "It's true."

     "Any question?"

     "Any question," I assured him.

     "You know, my brother’s sick,” he told me.

     “He is?” I yelped. That was news to me.

     “Yeah,” my father replied. “Ask Google how he is."

     Later, when my uncle ended up in the hospital, I offered to take my father to see him.

     "What for?" my father said. "He's sick, not dead."

     "He's not doing well," I told him.

     “You think he's not doing well," my father complained. "What about me? I haven't gone to the bathroom in a week."

     My father finally relented when my wife interceded.

     "You never know," she wisely nagged.

     "All I know is my laxative’s not working," my father grumbled.

     When we got to the hospital, my uncle was asleep, so my father sat in the chair next to him and began helping himself to some peanuts that were there. My uncle woke up just as my father finished the entire bowl.

     "Sorry, hermano,” my father laughed, “but I ate all your peanuts."

     "That's okay," his brother answered. "I don't like them once I've sucked all the chocolate off."

     My uncle was happy to see us, but he looked frail. There was a plate of uneaten food nearby. I’m surprised my father didn’t help himself to that.

     "How are you feeling?" my father asked, concern in his voice.

     "Not too good," his baby brother admitted, lifting a weak hand.

     "You think you don't feel good," my father told him, "I haven't been able to go to the bathroom for a week."

     "At least I don't have that problem," my uncle perked up. "I'm regular, like clockwork. Every morning, at exactly 8am, I empty my bowels."

     "Yeah," my father joked, "but you don't get out of bed until 10."

     Then my father reached over, took his brother’s wrist, and pretended to take his pulse.

     "Either you're dead," he told him, "or my watch has stopped."

     We had a good laugh over that one because we were all big Groucho Marx fans. The Marx Brothers made some of the only movies my father and I have been able to bond over.

     Sadly, my uncle didn’t stay cheered for long.

     "It's not good news," he told us.

     "What is it?" my father asked, but he already knew.

     "Cancer," my uncle said.

     My father nodded his head in sympathy.

     "Do you think there’s anything I can do?" my uncle asked.

     "Well," my father said, "I could take you to TRC for some therapeutic mud baths."

      The town of Truth Or Consequences is known for its natural mineral springs. A lot of people go there for a dip in its hot, healing waters.

     "Do you think that would help?" my uncle asked.

     "Probably not," my father admitted, "but it'll get you used to lying in the dirt."

     My father must have regretted his bad joke, because he quickly said, "You know, I'm pretty sick myself."

     That was news to me. I go with him to all of his doctor appointments and he’s always given a clean bill of health. For his age, that is.

     "You're not sick," I corrected him.

     "Yes, I am," he corrected me back.

     "No, you're not."

     “Yes, I am.”

     My poor uncle laid there looking at us arguing like two kindergarteners. His head swiveling back and forth as if he were watching a ping-pong tournament.

     "Well, I'd better be sick," my father growled, “because I'd hate to be well and feel this crappy."

     That’s when my uncle’s oncologist came in.

     “How am I doing, doc?” my uncle asked.

     "You'll live to make many more payments to me," his doctor said.

     Everybody's a comedian.

     When the oncologist left, a male nurse came in to take some blood. My uncle's eyes grew wide at the sight of the syringe.

     "Hey!" he yelped. "What's this all about?"

     "Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little prick," my father teased his brother, referring to the procedure.

     "Not him,” my uncle snorted, misunderstanding. “The NEEDLE!”

     Meanwhile, in the present, my wife and I were wondering how we were going to break the bad news to my father when he finally joined us in the kitchen.

     “Don’t bother,” he lamented. “I already know.”

     I don’t know how he knew, but he did.

     My father is not one to cry, but I could see his eyes were red.

     "Why do people have to die and ruin my day?" he said.

  

George Duchene

March 1, 1932 - October 10, 2019

georgeduchene.com