The Week In Tweets: Special Ever-Notice-How? Edition!

Ever notice how the husbands of the ten best-dressed women are never on the list of the ten best-dressed men?

  

Ever notice how health club commercials never show people who look like they need to be there?

  

Ever notice how the older you get, the better at sports you used to be?

  

Ever notice how your phone doesn't ring in the morning?

That is, unless you're trying to sleep in.

  

Ever notice how a boring person never loses their voice?

  

Ever notice how your waiter is never around when you're ready for the check?

  

Ever notice how certain Hollywood celebrities have taken "'Til Death Do You Part" as a recommendation?

  

Ever notice how when you get older you lose your short-term memory, and--not only that--but you also lose your short-term memory?

  

Ever notice how this who ask a lot of questions are the ones who aren't interested in getting any answers?

  

Ever notice how winners find a way and losers find an excuse?
  
Ever notice how drinking eight glasses of water is a chore, but drinking eight glasses of beer is a pleasure?

  

There's an app that makes you look older than what you are.

Ever notice how having children accomplishes the same thing?

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Will Trump Weasel Out Of It?

Announcer:

“Welcome to America’s hottest new game show!”

(studio audience yells:)

“WILL TRUMP WEASEL OUT OF IT!”

Announcer:

“The game show where YOU determine whether our Occupant in Chief will weasel his way out of his latest asinine statement.

  “In every episode our host, Jackie ‘The Joke Man’ Martling, will reveal a quote from”the greatest president in our lifetime,” and the caller who comes up with the correct answer will win a Tootsie Roll.

  “The results will be kept secret and held by the national accounting firm of Price Waterhouse until it’s time to award that Tootsie Roll. 

 “Are you ready, Joke Man?”

Jackie Martling:

“I’m ready.”

Announcer:

“Are you ready America?”

(studio audience yells:)

“Send Her Back! Send Her Back! Send Her Back!”

Announcer:

“Then... Let’s Get Ready To WEASEL!”

Jackie Martling:

“President Donald Trump recently told four congresswomen—all women of color—to ‘go back’ where they came from, creating a huge controversy and incredible backlash. Will he weasel out of it?”

1st Contestant:

“Am I on the air? Oh, my God, I can’t believe I got through. I would say yes, because America has a short memory and will probably forget about it by the end of the week.”

2nd Contestant:

“No, Trump won’t weasel out of it. The American people can only take so much, and this time Trump has really crossed the line.”

3rd Contestant:

“Am I on? Can you hear me? Yes, Trump will definitely weasel out of it.  I mean, he’s made America great again and everything.”

4th Contestant:

“In ANY context, it would be inappropriate to say ‘go back.’ Much less, if you’re the President of the United States of America. So, no, he will not weasel out of it.”

5th Contestant:

“The answer is yes. It will be forgotten when a sex tape of Alexandria-Ocasio Cortez in her bartending days is released. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.”

Jackie Martling:

“Who let Jeffrey Epstein in here?”

Announcer:

“Sorry, Joke Man. He keeps sneaking in.”

6th Contestant:

“Don’t you understand? He told FOUR women of color to ‘go back’ where they came from! How can he possibly weasel out of THAT?”

7th Contestant:

“Long time listener, first time caller. Trump will weasel out of it when a photoshopped photo of Ilhan Abdullahi Omar flying a plane into the second tower on 9-11 surfaces.”

8th Contestant:

“Who ARE you people? THAT’S fake and THIS is real! There is no way in hell he’s going to weasel his way out of it!”

9th Contestant:

“‘Go Back...’ Isn’t that a Beatles song?”

Jackie Martling:

“That’s ‘GET Back.’”

9th Contestant:

“Oh.”

Announcer:

“That’s all the contestants, Joke Man. Now will you please announce the winner?”

Jackie Martling:

“Of course.”

The Price Waterhouse representative walks across the stage and hands Jackie an envelope.

Jackie Martling:

“And the winner is...” (opens the envelope) “...nobody. Nobody wins in this scenario.”

Announcer:

“That’s it for tonight’s episode. Tune in tomorrow to hear the next idiotic blathering Trump pulls out of his ass.

  “And, as always...”

(studio audience yells:)

“WILL TRUMP WEASEL OUT OF IT!”

    

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Chick-fil-A Edition!

NIKE Vehemently Defends Decision To Call The American Flag RACIST!

"This is America," a spokesman groveling at the feet of Colin Kaepernick sniffed. "We have the right to be intimidated by anybody we want. Right, Mr. Kaepernick?"

  

President Trump's Fourth Of July Parade Will Be Partially Paid For By Diverting Funds From The National Parks Service!

"And THAT money should go for free health care and college for foreign nationals who are in this country illegally," gripe Democrats.

  

"Is The U.S. Ready For 'Madam President'?" Asks Vogue Magazine.

I don't know...

Why don't you ask Hillary Clinton?

  

California Shaken By A 6.9 Earthquake Over The Fourth Of July Holiday!

A 5.4 aftershock was recorded later in Los Angeles.

Governor Gavin Newsom and L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti BOTH stumped as to how to blame it on Trump.

  

Rep. Justin Amash Declares His Independence From The Republican Party!

Who?

Exactly.

  

Kevin Spacey's Accuser DROPS His Lawsuit Against The Award-Winning Actor!

"There is no problem money can't solve," lawyers around the world chuckle maniacally.

  

This Just In!

The U.S. Economy Created 224,000 New Jobs!

Unemployment Up 3.7%!

C'mon, Fake News, make up your mind.

  

This Just In!

FIVE Police Officers Were Kicked Out Of A Starbucks In Tempe, Arizona Because Starbucks Said The Officers Made Their Customers Feel Unsafe!

And THAT, my friends, is why I eat at Chick-fil-A.
  
A Starbucks Vice-President Has Apologized To The Police Officers Who Were Kicked Out Of A Starbucks In Tempe, Arizona For Making Some Crybaby Wimp Feel Unsafe!
Why didn't the PRESIDENT of Starbucks apologize?
"Apologizing is for the little people."
  
Paul Ryan Says President Trump "didn't know anything about government"!
Okaaay... so what's Congress' excuse?
  
This Just In!
Beto O'Rourke's Great-Great-Great-Grandfather Owned TWO Female Slaves, Rose & Eliza!
"That's not me," the presidential wannabe sputtered, trying to weasel out of it, "that's my great-great-great-grandfather, R. Kelly O'Rourke."
  
This Just In!
Beto O'Rourke's Great-Great-Great-Grandfather Was A SLAVE Owner!
"I guess he wasn't so great after all," Beto lamented.
  
Beto O'Rourke's Great-Great-Great-Grandfather Was The Proud Owner Of Slaves!
"I was recently given documents showing that BOTH AMY AND I are descended from people who owned slaves," he sheepishly admitted.
Way to throw your wife under the bus, Beto.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special The-Shadow-Knows Edition!

Forgive and Forget, is what I always say...

...but what I'm really thinking is "Never forget a slight and plot your revenge accordingly."

  

The downside to being lazy and unemployed is, from the second I wake up, I'm immediately at work.
  
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Something between us smells."
  
Me: "Doctor, it hurts when I bend my knee."
My Doctor: "Then don't bend your knee."
  
I do just fine without my morning coffee.
It's everybody around me who suffers.
  
The Super Bowl is the only bowl my mother doesn't try to clean.
  
I like to let my mind wander.
It's as close to exercising as I'm gonna get.
  
Ther4 is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
  
Vengeance helps me forgive.
  
Things That Make Me Go Hmm:
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two arms?
  

    

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special NIKE Trembles Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"!

"Of course the unprovoked bombing of your oil tankers and the shooting down of your military drones will continue."

   

Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"!

"And can someone please lend us a knife?" said Foreign Ministry spokesman, Abbas Mousavi. "Iran would now like to cut off its nose to spite its face."

  

Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"!

But what about the Acts of War you've recently committed?

"What does THAT have to do with anything?"

  

President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Are  CRIPPLING Iran!

"Can someone lend us a cookie?" asks Iran's Foreign Ministry spokesman, Abbas Mousavi.
  

San Francisco Becomes The FIRST U.S. City To Outlaw The Selling Of E-Cigarettes!

Dealing and shooting heroin and then discarding the used needles on public sidewalks is STILL perfectly fine. 
  
President Trump Has "Lack Of Moral Principal," Accuses The Dalai Lama!
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I must leave to have sex with an underaged boy."
   
House Passes Emergency Funding Bill For Humanitarian Aid To Foreign Nationals In This Country Illegally On Our Southern Border!
What about properly funding health care and benefits to 9-11 First Responders and their families?
"We'll get to it when we get to it."

    
Leonardo DiCaprio Gets SMACKED In The Face By A Volleyball!
"THAT'S for Critters 3," the volleyball taunted.

    
NIKE Pulls Betsy Ross Sneaker Over Colin Kaepernick Concerns!
We'd like to exhale now," NIKE groveled, trembling in fear. "Do we have your permission, Mr. Kaepernick?"
  
Colin Kaepernick Gives NIKE His List Of What He Finds Offensive!
"Thank you, Mr. Kaepernick. We'll stop production on the following right away!"
10) Cher,
9) Beavers,
8) Tile,
7) Ink,
6) The Left Nostril,
5) Yoda,
4) Liberace,
3) New Coke,
2) The Letter Y, and
1) Chumbawumba.
  
Colin Kaepernick Says The Original Flag Of The United States Is RACIST!
"And if you say it, it must be true, Mr. Kaepernick," kowtows NIKE, groveling at his feet.
  
Colin Kaepernick Talks.
NIKE Trembles.

  

 American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.Blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Who Wants Ice Cream?

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

  

I love my granddaughter.

     When I wrote about her in the March issue of Desert Exposure, judging by the response I received, I’m not alone. My father loves her too, but he’s also afraid of her. When she’s running around like a miniature version of the Tasmanian Devil from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, he hangs onto whatever he can for dear life.

     She’s four now, but when she turned three we began looking into putting her in pre-school. My granddaughter’s pretty special, so we wanted to find her someplace equally as special. Luckily, we found Radford, a private school that’s been in business for over a hundred years. Like my ex-wife, it doesn’t look a day over 95. She loves it there, and now doesn’t mind going to bed early, which was not always the case.

     Once, I was trying to put her to bed, but she had other ideas, so I told her, “If you don’t fall asleep. I’m going to get mad.”

     "And you’ll yell at me?” she asked, her eyes wide.

     “No,” I laughed, “I won’t yell at you.”

     “You’ll just say it loud?”

     I laughed again.

     “Maybe a little loud,” I said, and kissed her goodnight.

     The next day, we were getting rid of some of my beloved mother’s things. It was mostly junk. The rest was trash. I offered my buddy Maloney the well-worn rocking chair my father had bought her a lifetime ago.

     "I don’t want your garbage,” Maloney told me.

     "Your mother-in-law might like it,” I suggested.

     And she did.

     “She thought it was a gift from your father,” Maloney kidded me later.

     One man’s trash is a frisky old lady’s treasure.

     But mainly, my granddaughter and I went through a plastic trash bag containing an avalanche of religious cards. Cards from various religious charities asking for money and giving cheap jewelry in return. My mother was an easy mark, you could say. Actually, she just had a soft heart for the tired, the poor, the ailing masses yearning to be healed.

     My granddaughter kept some of it. She was fascinated by the cheap jewelry, the colorful pictures. A Virgin Mary here. A resurrected Jesus there. Jesus would have loved my granddaughter. When He said, “Let the little children come to Me,” my granddaughter would have been the first to run into His arms.

     As we sorted through it, she’d go, “This was grandma’s and now it’s mine?”

     “Yes,” I’d tell her. “That was grandma’s and now it’s yours.”

     She couldn’t believe her good fortune.

     Mostly it was colorful rosary beads, one smelling of roses. There were also keychains, and a bracelet made up of little wooden squares with pictures of the Virgin Mary, Jesus, and various saints that I bought for my mother once when I was downtown.

     One thing we unearthed that I remembered from my childhood, was a picture of Jesus with His eyes closed. If you held it over a light and then went into a dark room, the picture would glow and Jesus’ eyes would open. My grandparents had a similar picture of Jesus in their bedroom. If you walked from one side of their room to the other, His eyes would follow you. They had thirteen children. Not all of them lived. I can’t imagine their heartbreak, but it was a different time. Still, how they had so many kids with that creepy picture of Jesus hanging over their bed, who knows?

     My granddaughter was fascinated by that glowing picture. She kept holding it over a light, then we’d go into a closet and watch the miracle happen.

     “That’s Jesus,” I explained to her, and, in the darkness, I heard my granddaughter blow Him a kiss. Jesus became her friend. Later, she asked me if she could have an Andes chocolate mint, her favorite.

     “Does Jesus want you to have one?” I asked, playfully.

     “Yes, He does,” she said.

     Later, she said, “Jesus wants me to have another one.”

     So I gave her another one.

     “Be sure you share with Jesus,” I told her, and she did.

     She broke the candy in half. One piece was smaller than the other.

     “Jesus wants the smaller one,” she told me.

     Crazy kid.

  This past Easter, I gave her a chocolate bunny. If she’s going to have candy, I prefer chocolate because it at least has SOME nutritional value. Ice cream, too.

     "Do you want some, daddy?” she asked me.

     She calls me “daddy” because she hears my daughters call me that. I, however, always refer to myself as “grandpa”.

     “Yes, thank you,” I told her, then added, “What about Jesus? Are you going to share with Him, too?”

     She thought about that, and then, with more insight than I, said, “He hasn’t come down yet, so I can’t.” Reconsidering her words, she assured me, “When He comes down, I’ll share with Him.”

     Kids are innocent…

     ...but they're also very funny.

     Like I’ve said, my granddaughter's quite the handful, but she's always fun, so I like to spend as much time with her as I can.

     As I was writing this column she passed some gas.

     VERY loudly.

     "What was THAT?" I teased.

     "That was my tummy," she answered. "It said it wants ice cream."

  

Did she get her ice cream?

Find out at JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, @JimDuchene.