Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Top Ten Things Your Woman Secretly Wants You To Do During Sex

10) Lose weight.

9) Pretend you're someone else. Preferably, a man.

8) Tell her, "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Here's my PIN number."

7) Touch her right there. No, I mean right there. More to the left, you idiot! Forget it, she just wants to go home now.

6) Last longer. No, that's too long. Does she have to tell you everything?

5) Cry. Don't worry, she won't think less of you. All of her friends will, though.

4) Tell her your deepest, darkest secrets, so she can use them against you later.

3) Stop calling her "mommy."

2) The dishes.

1) Leave.

American Chimpanzee

Friday, May 5, 2017

Dr. Dao At Berkeley

Image result for dr. dao
"That's the last time I accept an invitation to speak to college students at a university!"
American Chimpanzee

Monday, May 1, 2017

Fox News Application For Employment

Sex: Male ( )  Female ( )
If you checked "Male," consider yourself hired.
If you checked "Female," please continue.
Date of Birth:
What are your likes and dislikes? For example, do you like older men?
Yes ( )  No ( )
I mean, really  older men?
Yes ( )  No ( )
Men so old that, when Moses parted the Red Sea, they were on the other side fishing?
Yes ( )  No ( )
Where do you shop for your underwear?
( ) Victoria's Secret
( ) Frederick's of Hollywood
( ) I don't wear any underwear.
In that case, will you wear short skirts to work?
Yes ( )  No ( )
How short?
( ) above the knee
( ) mid-thigh
( ) Like this application, my skirt will be long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep one's attention.
Do you believe in conspiracies?
Yes ( )  No ( )

Do you know what the word "conspiracies" even means?
Yes ( )  No ( )

What do you think of the following conspiratorial coincidence?: "Shortly before his assassination, President Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. Shortly before his assassination, President Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe."
( ) I find it interesting.
( ) I find it uninteresting.
( ) President Kennedy was assassinated?

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "I believe it's important to do anything you're told to make your way up the corporate ladder."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "I will do anything I'm told to make my way up the corporate ladder."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "How President Clinton treated women in the privacy of the White House was in the interest of National Security."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "Whatever 'happy endings' Vice-President Al Gore can negotiate in a massage parlor is between him and his masseuse."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "It was okay for David Letterman to have sex at work with his female employees because he was their boss, after all."
Agree ( )  Disagree ( )

Complete the following statement: "Sharing a hot tub with Roman Polanski would be..."
( ) enticing.
( ) unappealing.
( ) Is he considering hiring me for a job or what?
Complete the following: "A good employee would..."
( ) cause her boss' stress.
( ) relieve her boss' stress.

Complete the following:
1. "I promise not to kiss and _____."
2. "What happens in Vegas, stays in _____."
3. "Snitches get _____."
4. "Loose lips sink _____."
Complete the following:
1) Listen is to ear as see is to _____.
2) Do is to don't as will is to _____.
3) Jump is to walk as shout is to _____.

In case of an emergency, please contact:
( ) my mother
( ) my father
( ) Ron Jeremy
Thank you for your interest in working for Fox News.
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Dr. Dao's Public Weighs In

Image result for holocaust victims
"We're so happy Dr. Dao and his lawyer got their thirty pieces of silver. It makes starving to death easier."
American Chimpanzee

Friday, April 28, 2017

Dr. Dao Settles Out Of Court

Image result for crying asian man with cash
Old Joke:
A man goes up to a beautiful woman and asks if she would have sex with him for a million dollars. After thinking about it, she agrees. Then he asks her if she would have sex with him for five dollars.
"FIVE dollars?" she complains. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"
"We've already established what you are," he explains. "Now we're just negotiating the price."
Congratulations on your negotiated settlement, Dr. Dao.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dr. Dao: Role Model!

Image result for britney fan crying
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Dr. Dao Meets The Godfather

Image result for you can act like a man
"What's the matter with you, Dr. Dao?"
American Chimpanzee