Thursday, April 2, 2020


as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
You don’t love your grandchildren more than you love your own kids, but it’s a different kind of love. Maybe the difference is as simple as, by the time your grandkids come around, your own children are grown and you’ve forgotten what it was like when they were babies.
     My grandson is up for anything, so I like to take him hiking and camping with me. In my opinion, winter is the best time to camp because that’s when the creeps and the crooks stay home. When he was about two, we were hiking in the Joshua Tree National Park. Since there was no one else around, I was letting him throw rocks, which I don’t normally let him do.
     “Throw one HARD,” I told him, and he did.
     He let one fly and the rock hit a tree, bounced back, and smacked my poor grandson in the forehead. He cried, but only for awhile. After that, we laughed about it.
     “We’re the only people in a hundred miles, and you have to hit the one tree who got mad and threw it back,” I kidded him.
     He’s older now, but until he came into my life I had forgotten how seriously kids take things. Just the other day he was telling me about a friend of his who told him that when it rains and the sun is out, the devil is beating his wife.
     “It’s in the Bible,” his friend swore.
     “When someone tells me something’s in the Bible,” I told my grandson, “it’s usually not in the Bible.”
     “So the devil’s NOT beating his wife?”
     “I don’t even think the devil is married,” I told him.
     “Well, maybe he is,” I said. “That would explain why he’s so mean.”
     I think the time we spend together is good for my grandson. It gives him a chance to appreciate nature and consider profound considerations.
     "What did God do before he made people?” he once asked me. “Wasn’t he bored?”
     “What do YOU think?” is my go-to response when he asks me something I can’t answer.
     “I’d be bored,” he said, thinking about it. And then he thought about it some more. “What did he do all that time alone?”
     I didn’t know.
     “Why didn't he just make the earth already?”
     Beats me.
     Then he got to what was really on his mind.
     “Why are we here?” he wanted to know. “What’s our purpose in life?"
     Hmm… those were some pretty adult thoughts for such a little kid. It would seem my grandson is no longer the innocent two-year-old throwing rocks at trees. Summoning up all the wisdom I had, I told him to go ask his grandmother.
     “She reads a lot of books,” I said.
     So he asked her.
     "Grandma, what’s our purpose in life?" 
     My wife was stumped.
     “Maybe there is no purpose,” she finally told him.
     Her answer was honest and sincere, and she was as right as anyone can be. There was more truth in those five words than in anything else I've heard or read. We are born, only to grow old. We live, only to die. We love, only to have our loved ones taken from us. Maybe, indeed.
     However, I have to admit that my grandson’s thoughts aren’t always so serious. This past Super Bowl, when he learned there’s a time difference between our state and Florida, he asked me, “If Miami is ahead of us, they should know what happens before we do, right? You should call somebody and find out who wins the Super Bowl, then we could bet money on the winning team.”
     Made sense to me.
     Could Einstein disprove my grandson’s theory?
     Mainly because he’s dead.
     Where my grandson gets these profound considerations, who knows? One cool night I was outside enjoying a cup of coffee when my father joined me. He looked at the sky. It was a clear night, so the stars were sparkling. One in particular caught his eye. It was very bright compared to the others.
     "Look at THAT,” he said, pointing. “That is one bright star.”
     “That’s the North Star,” I told him. “Sailors once used it to navigate the ocean." 
     “The North Star, you say? Why haven’t I seen it before? And they navigated the ocean with it? Hmm...”
     “That’s right, pop,” I said, with all the authority I could muster.
     “Well, it IS the brightest," he said.
     Later I found out it was Venus.
     Don’t ever let me sail the Seven Seas, I guess.
     Good thing I don’t have to depend on astronomy to go camping. Just on which side of a tree moss grows on.
     My grandson and I were again on one of our camping trips. We were there to hunt wild grizzlies or capture Bigfoot, whichever came first. At least that’s what I told him. There was a full moon on the horizon. A Worm Moon, I'm told. That made it look huge, I don’t know why. The Cree call it an Eagle Moon, but that's neither here nor there. We were enjoying the sight when he told me, “Grandpa, I see PEOPLE on the moon!" 
     "Oh, yeah?” I responded.
     “Yeah,” he said. “MOON people.”
     “What are moon people called?" 
     He didn’t even have to think about it.
     “They’re called Moonheads," he said. 
     “Is that right?” I said. “Can you see what they’re doing?"
     He squinted his eyes to get a better look.
     "They’re all running to Walmart,” he told me, “to go shopping."
     I coughed to keep from laughing, because, like I said, you take things seriously when you’re a kid.
     “Hey,” I said, sitting up, “you’re right! I can see them, too! Those Moonheads ARE running to Walmart."
     “I TOLD you, grandpa,” he said, giggling.
     Grandkids are the best.
...and they’re God’s reward for having children against your better judgement.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Kathy Griffin Edition!

Fake News Reports!
Number One Rule For Dealing With Children Or Your Elderly Parents:
Never go anywhere without making sure THEY "go" first.
Harry & Meghan Markle Are Leaving Canada!
"Come back when you can't stay so long," Canada says.
Kathy Griffin!
"Y0u're thinking about my career," the perky comedian points out.
Kathy Griffin Walks into the Coronavirus Wards of a hospital with Donald Trump sitting on her head.
Can I help you?" the doctor wants to know.
"You can get this thing off my ass," the President says.
Kathy Griffin walks into the Coronavirus Ward of a hospital carrying a pig under her arm.
"Get that filthy, disgusting thing out of here!" a doctor says.
"You can't talk to me that way," Kathy complains.
"I was talking to the pig," the doctor says.
Divorce Rumors Swirl As Portia de Rossi Moves Out Of Her And Ellen DeGeneres' Marital Home!
"We needed some time apart so I can devote all my energy helping President Trump get re-elected," the talkshow host explains.
North Korea Fires Two "Unidentified Projectiles" Into The East Sea!
"So," the porky little dictator Kim Jong-Un pouts, "how do you get rid of YOUR Coronavirus patients?"
CNN Anchor Chris Cuomo Admits He's Tested Positive For The Coronavirus!
Well, Chris, at least you don't have AIDS.
"You didn't let me finish..."
A Couple Trying To Escape From The Deadly Coronavirus Travelled To The Small Community Of Old Crow, Yukon In Canada Only To Be THROWN OUT!
So... where ya gonna go now, Harry & Meghan Markle?
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself.
Like my mother-in-law.

Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee

Thursday, March 26, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Penguin Poop Edition!

Fake News Reports!
They say opposites attract, but in MY experience, it's been more of a collision.
Due To The Coronavirus Closure, The Shedd Aquarium In Chicago, Illinois Let Its Penguins Roam Free!
"Great," the aquarium janitor groused. "Now guess who's gotta clean up all that penguin poop."
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Calls Innocent Migrants Trying To Enter His Country "IRREGULAR"!
In a continuing effort to be the most woke human on this planet EVER, he continues to be the most insulting.
It was the least I could do, and I always do the least I can do.
China Reports:
"It's amazing how quickly the numbers improve," bragged Chinese President Xi Jinping, "when you quit testing people."
Harvey Weinstein Tests POSITIVE For The Coronavirus While In Prison!
"Get in line," says syphilis and gonorrhea.
A pickup line in the age of Coronavirus:
"I have toilet paper."
How are the former royals Harry & Meghan Markle doing in they age of Coronavirus after renouncing his Prince-hood?
"What do you MEAN we lost our health insurance?!!!"
Businesses closing. People losing their jobs. Non-violent criminals no longer being arrested. But the cops are STILL out in force...
...handing out speeding tickets.
Comedian Kathy Griffin, Despite Having The Symptoms, Was REFUSED A Test For The Coronavirus!
"I'd like a second opinion," she told her physician.
"Okay," the doctor said, "you're also ugly."
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee

Friday, March 20, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Nucking Futs Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  Founder Bill Gates Is Stepping Down From Microsoft's Board Of Directors!
"It's this Coronavirus thing," he explains. "It's got me nucking futs."
Jack Ma, A Billionaire In Communist China, Is Donating A MILLION Masks To The United States!
"We have to get rid of our used ones some way," he said, explaining his generosity.
Visits always give pleasure.
If not the arrival, then the departure.
When my buddy told his wife the restaurants were closing, she be like, "You mean I gotta COOK?"
Six Word Horror Story:
The leprechaun had such sharp teeth.
Six Word Horror Story:
Celebrated St. Patrick's Day at home.
Chuck Norris Facts
Special Coronavirus Edition:
Chuck Norris does not need to self-quarantine.
There is no one in the world brave enough to get near him.
Chuck Norris Facts
Special Coronavirus Edition:
Chuck Norris does not need to social distance himself.
There is no one foolish enough to get within six feet of him.
Tom Brady And The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Have Made It OFFICIAL!
"Screw you, Coronavirus losers," he gushed happily. "I got MY 40 million."
A peacock in love with its own feathers is a turkey.
Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee

Friday, March 13, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Nazi Flag-Free Edition!

Fake News Reports!
The United States Hits The Taliban With The First Airstrike Since The Peace Deal!
"You've got this backwards," a Taliban spokesman complained bitterly. "WE are the ones who break peace treaties."
United States Death Toll Rises To FOURTEEN With California's FIRST Coronavirus Fatality!
The unlucky victim?
Elizabeth Warren's presidential campaign.
A Federal Judge Slams Attorney General William Barr's Handling Of Special Prosecutor Mueller's Report As "Misleading"!
"NEVER TRUMP!" he cried, as he ordered an independent non-biased review.
A Nazi Flag At A Bernie Sanders Rally Sparks Outrage And Concerns About Public Safety!
"Okay, so I won't bring my flag anymore," a disappointed Bernie says, giving in.
Ronan Farrow Cuts Ties With The Hachette Book Group For Its Upcoming Publication Of Woody Allen's Memoirs!
"Who's Ronan Farrow?" wonders Hachette Books.
Doctors Warn That The Coronavirus Is Constantly Mutating!
I hope mine mutates into a puppy.
"I Believe In Joe..." Kamala Harris Explains As She Throws Her Endorsement Behind The Former Vice-President!
"...but then, I ALSO believed I could win."
Nature's way of telling you you're not fat enough.
It Is NOT True That Harvey Weinstein, While He Was In The Prison Infirmary, Was Exposed To The Deadly Coronavirus!
No, it was Harvey Weinstein who exposed HIMSELF to the Coronavirus.
My wife asked me to get her the chapstick from her purse, but I grabbed the glue stick by mistake.
She STILL isn't talking to me.
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Hulk VS Coronavirus Edition!

A Fake News Special Report!
Where Did The Coronavirus Come From?
Scientists speculate that the dreaded Coronavirus Traveled BACK in time from the future and created ITSELF!
Where Did The Coronavirus Come From?
Scientists have reason to believe that the dreaded Coronavirus was sent from the future to terminate a waitress named Sarah Connor.
Who Killed Jimmy Hoffa?
"Maybe it was the Coronavirus," one analyst theorizes to a gaggle of scientists, all rubbing their chins and nodding in agreement.
DATELINE: Dallas 1963!
Scientists have found photographic evidence that the time-traveling Coronavirus was a second shooter located on the grassy knoll in President Kennedy's assassination.
Scientists have not yet confirmed that the time-traveling Coronavirus was responsible for the disappearance of female pilot Amelia Earhart over the Pacific Ocean.
Coronavirus admits to being the Whistleblower in President Trump's Ukrainian Phone Call Impeachment Trial.
Coronavirus buys up all the face masks, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper, creating a WORLDWIDE SHORTAGE.
Gee... thanks Coronavirus.
This Just In!
Coronavirus ATTACKS The Aggressively Progressive California Governor, Gavin Newsom, And Forces Him To PRAISE President Trump!
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk.
When The Hulk gets mad, HE turns into the coronavirus.
Can The Coronavirus Travel Into The Future?
Let's take a look.
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special How-The-World-Ends Edition!

Fake News Reports!
Presidential Wannabe Mayor Pete Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race, Admitting...
"I never really had a chance, did I?"
Global Deaths Due To The Coronavirus Surpasses Three THOUSAND People!
In a world of 8 billion, I can see why Wall Street is panicking.
Coronavirus Embarrassed After Finding Out How Many More People The Flu Has Killed Worldwide!
Democratic Presidential Wannabes Condemn President Trump For Not Being Prepared For When The Sun Explodes In 7.5 Billion Years!
The Number Of Migrants And Refugees Heading Toward Europe Could Climb Into The MILLIONS!
"Is it too late to build a bridge to America?" Europe wants to know.
How Badly Did Presidential Wannabe Mike Bloomberg Do On Super Tuesday?
I was 45 delegates away from beating him and I wasn't even running.
In The Aftermath Of A Disappointing Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders Delivers A Campaign Update From His Burlington, Vermont Headquarters!
"Yeah, I'm still a nut," he admits.
Failed Presidential Wannabe The Billionaire Mike Bloomberg Believes His Money & Media Savvy Could STILL Influence The 2020 Election Because...
" sure worked for me."
Why Is Billionaire Bill Gates Afraid Of The Coronavirus?
"I'm afraid of everything," he admits, trembling in his loafers.
Six Word Horror Story:
Special How-The-World-Ends Edition!
"Coronavirus, Schmaronavirus... not missing my flight!"
American Chimpanzee