Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Week In Sheep Tweets!

This Just In!
" Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Rating At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.
This Just In!
Selena Gomez!
One Again!
Agrees To Act As Justin Bieber's Beard!
This Just In!
Republicans Once Again FAIL To Repeal ObamaCare!
"It's not our fault," the whiney whiners whine. "We only control the House and Senate!"
It was my first Civil War reenactment.
I didn't know you weren't supposed to use real ammunition.
This Just In!
Mega Millions!
Raises The Price Of A Ticket To TWO Dollars!
"The poor play the Lotto, and we want to take as much money from them as we can."
Visiting Auschwitz, my family and I were deeply moved, but I don't know why everybody got so upset when we set down a blanket and had a picnic.
This Just In!
Scientists Have Determined That Sheep Can Recognize Celebrity Faces!
"Those sheeps are LIARS!" says a disgustipated Harvey Weinstein.
For those of you who are still upset there will be no 3rd Sex & The City movie, watch an episode of Golden Girls instead.
Any one will do.
I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing it would sure stink to be a vegan zombie.
Hillary Clinton is OUTRAGED at Russia's alleged hacking of an American election.
"That's OUR job!" the DNC agrees.
Unlike the barflies at Cheers, I don't like to go where everybody knows my name.
That makes it too hard to skip out on my tab.
"There's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."
"Then why do you watch it?"
"I just told you, there's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."
This Just In!
Julia Roberts!
With Wonder!
Face it, Julia... you're no Cher.
The only thing I know about the future is that it's going to be more expensive.
American Chimpanzee

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Week In Halloween Tweets

The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.
For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy.
For myself.
The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.
He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.
Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie?
You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.
To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb.
I'd say most of you have got this covered.
Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl if he were to ask.
Don't beg, Janet.
It's beneath you.
"Honey, I have a confession to make: I'm a werewolf."
"Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."
Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise.
"When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!"
For Halloween, I'm going as your worse nightmare: The one person who knows your whole life is a complete lie.
The only thing better than candy is FREE candy.
My Halloween date cost me an arm and a leg.
Take it from me, kids... NEVER date a zombie.
This Just In!
"Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Ratings At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.
Trick or treat... OR ELSE!
Halloween's over?
Okay, everybody, you can take your masks off now.
What do you mean you're not wearing a mask?
You're now one day closer to the end of your life.
American Chimpanzee

Monday, October 30, 2017

Fifty Shades of Masquerade Balls

Holy crap!
     I make it to bed just in time.

     I can hear Christian letting himself in through our front door. I look at my Inner Goodness. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand in the international sign of “Whew!”
     "Whew!" indeed.
     Hard to believe it was just a few hours ago that my beloved husband and I were getting ready for a masquerade ball given by our old friend Prince Prospero of Westeros. Christian was going as the Red Death from Edgar Allan Poe’s magnificent short story Masque of the Red Death.

     "A fiendishly handsome Red Death," he told me.
     Myself, I decided to go as a sexy Winnie the Pooh with my Christopher Robins hanging out. To make a long story short, I won't tell you how Pooh’s honey pot got stuck on my head. Let's just say that there wasn't any real honey on the inside.
     After much effort, Christian was finally able to pop that darn thing off my head like the cork on a bottle of very expensive champagne, the kind you can only buy at Walmart. Let me tell you, after such an ordeal, I was no longer in the mood to attend any masquerade balls. Not to mention that my costume was ruined. There were two huge footprints on Pooh's shoulders. They got there when Christian climbed up on me so he'd have better leverage to jerk the honey pot upward.
     "Newton's first law of physics," Christian explained. "A body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion, until another body, hopefully one in her teens, decides to wake you up with an apple and a morning quickie at a fair price."
     So, I stayed at home with nothing to console me but a bad headache, and Christian went to the ball by himself. He offered to stay and keep me company, but I insisted he enjoy himself instead.
     "Are you sure, dear?"
     As time passed, my head felt better, so I decided to dress and go to the ball, after all. I put on one of Christian's favorite Disney princess costumes of mine. The ones for when we, well, you know.
     I drove myself to Prospero's castle and waltzed into the soiree like a hungry tigress searching for prey, secure in the knowledge that no one there could recognize who I was. I was safe in the shroud of my anonymity.
     "Hi, Ana."
     "Hi, Harvey."
     That was when I saw my husband. He was talking to three gentleman and Donald Trump. The three gentlemen were Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Barack Obama. You know, the Larry, Curly, and Moe of American politics. Jimmy Carter would have been there as well, but there was a Matlock marathon on TV.
     As I slithered seductively past Christian, I whispered a naughty preposition into his ear.
     "Proposition," my Subconscious corrected me.
     No, I'm sure it was a preposition.
     Christian followed me like a hungry puppy lusting after a bone into an empty room down the hallway and we forever changed the expression on Prospero's poor cat. Maybe it was the festivities of the evening or the  costumes we wore, but Christian was especially voracious.
     Once done, I snuck off through the merriment like a decadent Cinderella and made my way home, happy with myself and wondering what Christian thought of the whole naughtiness. I chuckled at my lustful whimsy and the uninhibited seduction of... of...
     Hey, wait a minute!
     Christian thought I was home.
     He didn't know that enchanting seductress was me.
     "Oh, boy, is he going to get it when he gets home," I thought to myself, shaking my fist threateningly in front of my face.
     Which brings us back to the present.
     My present, not yours.
     I pretend to be roused from my slumber, yawning and rubbing my eyes, as Christian walks into our room, looking like a man who has something to hide.
     "How was the masked ball, dear?" I ask, feigning innocence.
     “Without you, my love, I wasn’t in the mood for such debauchery—I mean revelry—and gave my costume to my brother Elliot. He told me later that he had a wild time. There was one girl in particular...”

     Christian pauses, choosing his words carefully.
     "He called her 'Cinderlicious.'"
     “Humma, humma, humma,” I sputter.
     “Anyway, I went to a midnight screening of Eyes Wide Shut,” he continues. “I slept like a baby.”

     He changes into his silk pajamas, the ones with “Hot Stuff” embroidered in flames on the tushy part, and crawls into bed with me. I lay there, stiff as a board, but not in the I'm-in-the-mood-for-fun kind of way, completely mortified.
     Oh, my goobers!

     That was Elliot?
     And we... we...
     I can feel the warmth of Christian's body as he moves toward me and kisses me seductively on my lips.
     “Just kidding,” he whispers, his head still under the blanket. “It was me.”

American Chimpanzee

Sunday, October 29, 2017

I'm Not Harvey Weinstein

I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein, because, next to him, I'm looking like a prince.
     Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"
     He thought about that.
     "No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."
     "With pay?"
     "With pay."
     Wow, what a break!
     I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.
     "Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."
     "But you don't understand," I told him, "I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
     "Well," he said, "since you put it that way."
     He handed me a big, white bag with a dollar sign printed on the side of it. I felt like that Mr. Moneybags character from the board game Monopoly.
     "Here," he insisted, "take as much as you want."
     "Gee, thanks."
     I took ALL of it.
    That was so cool.
     It was late afternoon now, and I was getting pretty hungry, so I stopped at El Paso's world famous Chico's Tacos and ordered two double-orders of rolled tacos (with extra cheese), a cheeseburger (with extra cheese), a side of cheesy fries (hold the cheese), and, of course, a diet soda because I'm watching my weight. Before the cashier could ring it all up, I informed her, "You probably haven't notice, but I'm not Harvey Weinstein."
     It worked.
     Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?
     This not being Harvey Weinstein is a great scam.
     When I got home, I was feeling pretty frisky.
     "Hi, sweetie," I told my wife, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the side of her neck. "You look very beautiful tonight."
     "I've got a headache," she said, flatly.
     "But I'm not Harvey Weinstein!"
     "And don't you forget it!" she said, slapping me upside the head.
     Oh, well... it was worth a shot.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, October 22, 2017

The Week In Scandalous Tweets!

When I told my doctor I owed him my life, he said, "I prefer cash."
The way people see you... probably the way you are.
RIP Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner
Heaven: Here are your 72 virgins.
Hugh Hefner: So few?
I'm not saying Hugh Hefner was old, but he published his first issue of Playboy ON A ROCK!
When you die, what if going toward the light is a trick?
North Korea, your people are starving!
Don't you know how much food the cost of ONE nuke would buy?
"Enough for lunch?" the well-fed Kim Jong-un asks.
Bon Jovi!
Nominated For Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame!
How rock & roll can he be if he's photographed drinking champagne with Hillary Clinton?
How many millions of dollars in tax revenue did the U.S. government lose by putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong?
People criticized Tim Tebow for taking a knee to honor his God, but support the athletes who take a knee to dishonor their National Anthem.
Why hold a grudge when you can get even instead?
People screamed "as the flames barreled down on us," says a California fire witness.
Why didn't you leave?
"What? And give up show business?"
This Just In!
Aid STILL not getting to Puerto Rico!
"We're too busy complaining about President Trump," admits San Juan Mayor Cruz.
They say animals can predict the weather. Must be true. Before the last hurricane, my dog grabbed the keys to my car and drove to Arizona.
As the Harvey Weinstein scandal continues to grow, the question becomes: "Who in Hollywood knew and kept silent?"
If red meat gives you cancer, then why don't cows get cancer?
My ex spends all her time in the garden of our old house.
It was the cheapest place I could find to bury her.
All I am to my cat is a warm place to sleep.
  This Just In!
SNL's Lorne Michaels Chooses NOT To Mention Harvey Weinstein!
"It's a New York scandal," he says, "and the rest of the country is stupid."
Why did NBC's SNL ignore the Harvey Weinstein scandal?
"Because Harvey's a Hollywood liberal who gives A LOT of money to Democrats."
Why did SNL ignore the Harvey Weinstein scandal?
Who else has committed such horrible acts?
"Who hasn't?" Lorne Michaels says with a smile.
I'm rethinking ObamaCare.
When I need an X-ray, they just send me to the airport.
This Just In!
Texas Rethinks Climate Change After Hurricane Harvey!
Because nothing like this has ever happened before.
I Blame Trump!
What for?
Does it really matter?
I've been thinking a lot about careers lately.
Mainly, how do I get out of having one?
I Blame Trump!
What for?
Isn't it enough that I blame him?
It's a long life...
...and then it isn't.
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Fifty Shades of Harvey Weinstein

Confessions of a Potted Plant
Ho-hum... another day.
      It’s pretty boring being a potted plant. Nothing exciting ever happens.
      Hey, here comes my owner, Harvey Weinstein. He just bought me and gave me a home.
      He seems like a nice man.
      That’s a very pretty girl he’s with. I wonder why she’s crying?
      Oh, goodie! He’s walking over to me! He must be wanting to show me off to her. We potted plants are known for our calming abilities.
      Now he’s standing over me. Hmm, a bit too close. That's making me feel uncomfortable.
      Um, excuse me, Mr. Weinstein, can you take a step back and respect my personal space, please?
      What are you doing?
      Put that thing away!
      It’s not fair! It’s not fair!
      I feel so used.

American Chimpanzee

Sunday, October 15, 2017

A Final Word From The El Paso Times' Ex-Editor Robert Moore

  Image result for roger moore


Robert Moore
Ex-Editor of the El Paso Times
and Former Double-0 Agent

 Well, the Times (funny pun) has come.
     After much thought (and many drinks), the editorial staff has decided (been ordered) to change the look of this newspaper's (boring) appearance, and give it it's first (What?) major overhaul in over four presidential (Go Hillary!) elections (Vote DNC).  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks (or whenever we get around to it), and we hope (pray) you'll enjoy (buy) our newspaper's new (gimmick) design.
     This redesign will also incorporate (as opposed to outcoporate) a new reporting feature I (Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I (want a raise) thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my (newspaper editors are sexy) recent purchase of the Brooklyn (re-watch FX's two-season hit TV show, The) Bridge. It's like the news scroll you see  (but don't read) at the bottom of your TV screen during news reports, only (not )better.
     For our older (the only ones buying newspapers these days) readers, we're increasing the size (try putting on your glasses for a change, old man) of our type, and ("Speak up! I can't hear you!") repeating everything twice. This way they'll (subscribe) be assured to receive the best (as well as our usual content) in news reporting, and  (less news + filling up more space = a bigger bonus for USA Today executives) it will make our newspaper easier and more pleasurable (mmm... pleasure) to read.
     For our younger (Get a haircut, hippie!) readers, we'll  try to (keep our words limited to one or two syllables) include more entertainment news (that Justin Bieber's a jerk... allegedly) and (silly us) cartoons. 
     (Aw, who are we kidding? We're not actually doing anything for our younger (Benghazi. "Ben who?" Exactly.) readers, since they (don't buy newspapers) seem to prefer getting their (fake) news from (communist liberals) The Daily Show and (Curse you, internet!) alternate (Me? I prefer The Onion.) sources.)
     We've decided to keep the (unfunny) comic Doonesbury, but are moving it back to the comics page where it originally was (unread) for years. 
     Yes, our look is changing, but it is our (five-year) mission ("Space, the final frontier.") to continue to give you ("Luke, I am your father.") the best (or whatever's cheapest), most in-depth (mmm... depth) reporting available, while also providing an unbiased (Triple-A baseball rules!) summary of local (Go, Chihuahuas!) and national (Trump. Boo!) issues. We also hope to bring (sell) you the latest in (Sum Ting Wong) pop culture and (newspapers good) technological (internet bad) advances.
     I invite you (not really) to continue to (send money) keep in touch with me (please don't) and let me (bother USA Today instead) know what you think (or not) about our new look. You can send your emails (where they'll immediately be deleted) to bmoore@(pleasebuythe)ElPasoTimes(I'mbeggingyou).com. 
     Thank you for reading (and subscribing to) the El Paso Times.
(You can stop reading now.)

American Chimpanzee