Monday, September 9, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Slowest Runner Edition!

I saw a man at the beach. He was in the ocean yelling: "Help! Shark!"
I had to laugh.
That shark wasn't going to help him.
I was hiking in the woods with some friends when we accidentally got between a mama grizzly bear and her cub.
Do you know what the Park Rangers call the chewy stuff between a grizzly bear's teeth?
The slowest runner.
When my wife gives me chores, I tell her to give me as many as she wants.
It's just as easy for me to ignore a lot as it is to ignore a little.
I have a question for you:
Say you take an elixir that gives you eternal life. Now you're immortal. Nothing can kill you. Now say you're at ground zero of an atomic blast. In a fraction of a second, you are incinerated into ashes. Since you can never die...
What happens to your consciousness?
I always finish what I start.
As long as it's food.
It's just as good to give a person money as it is to lend them money.
It works out about the same.
Ah... the weekend!
Ugh... Monday.
I only ask you about your day so I can tell you about mine.
The FBI doesn't let me exercise.
I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.The highway I adopted wants to find its real parents.
Ugh... Tuesday.
Or, as I like to say, "It's Monday morning all over again."
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, September 7, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Baby Monitor Edition!

Does my baby ever wake me up in the middle of the night with its crying?
Not since I unplugged the baby monitor.
My wife hasn't talked to me in WEEKS!
All because of something I read in the Bible that I put into action.
I read: "Ask, that ye shall receive."
Nothing is impossible.
As long as I don't have to do it myself.
I say last is best.
The last donut.
The last cookie.
The last beer.
That is, as long as I'm the one who gets it.
Life can be separated into two parts:
1) Sleeping, and
2) Wishing you were asleep.
I never forget a face.
In your case, I'll make an exception.
I was with my Anger Management Group last night.
God, those people piss me off.
A new study has determined that people can live healthier, happier lives IF they can just ignore those pesky new studies.
Some drivers should be restrained by straight jackets instead of seat belts.
I never met a man I didn't like.
In your case, I'll make an exception.
American Chimpanzee

Thursday, September 5, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Isn't-That-Wrong? Edition!

Fake News Reports!
Beto O'Rourke Throws Out Breitbart Reporter Joel Pollak From His Benedict College Speech!
Isn't that wrong?
"It's only wrong when we can accuse President Trump of it," the presidential wannabe explained as he cowered behind campus security's skirt.
Beto O'Rourke Ejects Breitbart Reporter From His Benedict College Speech!
Hey, Bobby... if you can't stand up to Joel Pollak, how are you going to stand up to Xi Jinping or Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-Un? ISIS or the Taliban?
"Someone throw this guy out!"
Racially Insensitive Rihanna Culturally Appropriates The Asian Race On The September Cover Of Hong Kong's Vogue Magazine!
"Did you hear about the Chinese look-a-like contest?" she asked anybody who would listen.
Illinois Congressman John Shimkus Has Announced He WILL NOT Seek Re-Election In 2020!
"Why bother? Thanks to you rubes, politicians are set for LIFE," he said, laughing all the way to the bank.
In Houston, Some Popeyes Employees Were Held At Gunpoint When They Ran Out Of Chicken Sandwiches!
"Okay," responds Chick-fil-A. "You win."
Some Popeyes Employees In Houston Were Held At Gunpoint For Running Out Of Chicken Sandwiches!
"Okay, you keep YOUR customers, we'll keep ours," said Chick-fil-A.
A Disappointed Customer In Houston Held Some Popeyes Employees At Gunpoint When They Ran Out Of Chicken Sandwiches!
Just how good are these sandwiches anyway?
Walmart Will No Longer Sell Ammunition And Asks Customers Not To Bring Guns Into Their Stores!
"For the safety of our customers," a spokesman explained, "we want to make sure no one can defend themselves."
Climate Change Ambassador Prince Harry Defends His Using A Private Jet To Go On Holiday!
"When I'm talking about personal sacrifice," the global warming hypocrite explained, "I'm talking about you, not me."
Kristen Stewart Says She Was Warned Her Sexual Orientation Could Keep Her From Working For Marvel!
Who warned you?
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair

Growing old is not for sissies, my friends. 
     At MY advanced age, I can’t help but notice everything on my body is heavier, hairier, and closer to the ground.
     Why, just the other day Christian had a close call, and, if it weren’t for his superior driving abilities, he might not be here to nibble my muffin.
     I was watching TV when the Fox news anchor--the one with the big tits--interrupted with Breaking News. Someone was driving down the freeway...
     Well, my heart just about FROZE.
     CHRISTIAN should be on his way home!
     And he ALWAYS takes the freeway!
     Holy crap, I was SO worried. 
     What if that idiot driving the wrong way was in a head-on collision with my beloved husband? How could I live without him? How could my life go on? How does that news anchor keep her teeth so white? 
     I immediately got on the phone.
     “Christian!” I cried out when he answered. “Where are you?”
     “I’m on the freeway,” he said, calmly, “driving home.”
     “Well, be careful,” I warned. “That blonde news anchor...”
     “The one with the big tits?”
     “Yes, That one. She’s reporting that there’s one driver on the freeway who’s driving the wrong way!”
     “Not just one, Ana,” Christian informed me. “There’s hundreds. And they’re ALL driving the wrong way.”

American Chimpanzee

Monday, September 2, 2019

Fit Like A Kid

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

I know I complain about my father.
     Maybe I complain about my father a lot, but I give him credit for the nuggets of wisdom he’s passed on to me. Before my first marriage, he told me, “Son, if you’re ever tempted to cheat on your wife, make sure it’s with someone worth losing your marriage over.”
     Good advice. Too bad my ex-wife didn’t follow it, maybe we’d still be married. In the end, it worked out better. I met and married my second wife. She’s beautiful AND she loves to cook. That’s a nice combination.
     My ex-wife?
     Well, she and her boyfriend lost their jobs when they got caught stealing refrigerators from where they worked. How you steal something that big is beyond me. Maybe that’s why I’m still employed. Still, it didn’t surprise me. When I woke up the morning after our wedding night, my wallet was missing.
     “You can’t help the stupid,” my father is fond of saying, and--you know what?--it’s true. When my granddaughter was born, my father also told me, “You better get in shape, son. You don’t want to have a heart attack chasing after her because she’s running into the street.”
     “Yeah, yeah,” I thought to myself.
     “Sure, pop,” is what I said out loud.
     You see, I thought I was in good shape. I mean, I read Men’s Health and everything. If I didn’t exactly follow their advice, I at least looked at their pictures of sexy women. That got my blood circulating. I could even walk from the great room to the pantry for a snack without passing out, but a heart attack?
     I had my heart attack at 55, and I’m not talking about what Sammy Hagar can’t drive. I didn’t have it doing anything quite so heroic as saving my granddaughter’s life. I had it, um, walking to the pantry for a snack.
     “What’s the matter?” my beautiful wife asked me.
     “I don’t think I want this snickerdoodle after all,” I told her.
     “Good idea,” she agreed.
     “Can you take me to the hospital instead?”
     One heart stent later, I was back at home thinking about what my father said.
     I was always in reasonably good shape. I remember in high school, we would have won the big game if only Coach would have put me in. “We weren’t laughing at you, son” Coach told me after the game, “we were laughing with you.”
     When my youngest daughter was four, she told me “Daddy, you need to exercise.” I happened to be laying on the floor at the time, watching television. She sat on my ankles. “Pick-a me up,” she ordered.
     And I did.
     I started doing leg-lifts with her happily bouncing up and down. Flipping over, she climbed on my back and I started doing push-ups. It was fun. She laughed, called me her pony, and it was the most exercise I had done in awhile. I didn’t follow through, so, by the time my granddaughter showed up, I was determined to get back in shape. Have you noticed how people who want to get back in shape are under the impression they were ever in shape to begin with?
     As it turned out, getting back into shape wasn’t that hard. All I had to do was, well, EVERYTHING my granddaughter did. When she ran, I ran. When she jumped, I jumped. When she ate, I ate. And in the same portions. 
     “Grandpa, dance with me,” she says, and I do. Of course, her idea of dancing is me picking her up and swinging her around. Which does wonders for upper body strength.
     “Grandpa, play with me,” she says, and I find myself searching high and low for her. Mostly low. Bending over to look under beds, behind doors, around furniture in a playful game of hide-and-seek. Of course, I know where she is, but she gets a kick out of my pretending I don’t. 
     Say she’s hiding behind a couch, she’ll call out, “I’m in the kitchen!” and she’ll laugh at having “fooled” me. “I’m behind the door!” she’ll call out again, laughing her evil villain laugh, as I’m mislead once again. “I’m under the desk!”
     She loves playing outdoors. As luck would have it, we live across the street from a park, but I don’t take her there to play, I take her there to chase. I chase after her on foot. I chase after her as she’s peddling away on her bike. I chase after her when she’s riding the motorized princess car we bought her. 
     Good for the legs.
     In our backyard, I broke a sweat building a swing set for her. It has a slide on one end and a see-saw on the other. She loves that see-saw. She sits on one end and I grab the other and push down. Over and over and over again. She’s tireless.
     Not so much.
     I try to switch tactics, so I stand and put one fat foot on the seat and continue. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. 
     “Are you tired yet?” I huff.
     “No,” she says.
     “How about now?” I puff.
     So I have to push through “the wall.” 
     Only I never get close to “the wall.”
     Finally, she’ll decide she wants to swing.
     “Higher, Grandpa!” she used to tell me. “Higher!”
     It was a joy to swing her high into the air, her long curly hair flying all over the place. Now, she’s at an age where she no longer needs me to swing her. She can swing herself. And she does. Higher and faster than I ever did. That’s a different kind of pain in my heart.
     There’s no stent for that.
Whenever I feel like exercising, I read,, or @JimDuchene until the feeling passes.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special City Of Millions Edition!

Fake News Reports!
In A City Of Millions, Thousands Have Signed A Petition To Rename The Street Outside Of Trump Tower After President Obama Because...
"...there are no other problems in the world."
The NYPD Fires Daniel Pantaleo For The 2014 Accidental Death Of Eric Garner, Whose Dying Words Of "Can I Have Fries With That?" Created A National Debate Over The Wisdom Of Obese Felons With Health Issues Resisting Arrest!
The New York Police Department FIRES Daniel Pantaleo For The Accidental Death Of Eric Garner!
"I'll be okay," the former police officer assured his supporters. "In fact, I've already got a job offer from Michael Corleone to be his personal bodyguard."
Former Texas Running Back And Bears 4th Overall Pick, Cedric Benson, Has Died!
"We're looking at YOU, Daniel Pantaleo!" NYPD Commissioner James O'Neil was quick to announce.
Palestinians To Honor Their Grandmothers After Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib Declines Israel's Invitation To Visit Her "Sity"!
"Yes. Today, we will kiss the rocks we use before stoning our beloved grandmothers to death."
The Former Governor Of Louisiana During Hurricane Katrina, Kathleen Blanco, Has Died!
Damn... Hurricane Katrina claims ANOTHER victim.
Will it never end?
The New York Times' "1619 Project" Examines Slavery And Race Relations In The United States Because "as bad as things are today, we'd like to make them even worse."
Democrat Joe Kennedy III May Be Mounting A Primary Challenge To Senator Ed Markey!
Is there no end to The Kennedy Curse?
The Post-Gazette Reports That Shell Union Workers Were Told To Attend A Trump Rally Or They'd Lose Pay!
Of course, they were told that by the Post-Gazette "just to make it true."
People Are Sharing Pictures Of Their Pet Dogs With A Pennsylvanian Woman Who's Just Lost Her Best Friend Of 15 Years!
"They say their intentions are good, but those pictures are making me incredibly sad."
American Chimpanzee

The Week In Tweets: Special Deja Vu Edition!

Fake News Reports!
The Baltimore Home Of Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings BURGLARIZED!
Maybe NOW he'll admit his district is a dump.
Meghan Markle Guest Edits British Vogue's September Issue!
"Editing a magazine is easier than I thought," the Duchess of Sussex marveled. "Apparently, the only thing you have to do as an editor is show up."
Anonymous Bidder Buys Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty THOUSAND Dollars!
"Now, every day, I can look at it and say: 'What the heck was I thinking?'"
A Traveler From Thailand Was Stranded In A Russian Airport When He Was Told There Wouldn't Be A Connecting Flight To China For FIVE Days!
How is THIS possible?
Because Russia and China aren't the United States.
President Trump: "In one voice our nation must condemn racism, bigotry, and white supremacy."
Beto O'Rourke: "Trump is "inciting racism and violence!"
Say, Beto... weren't you arrested for Armed Robbery?
"What does THAT have to do with anything?"
Ohio Lawmaker Candice Keller Blames Gay Marriage And Drag Queen Advocates For Dayton Mass Shooting!
Some people just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

President Obama DEMANDS Gun Reform In Light Of Recent Mass Shootings!
Hey, Barry, you passed a health care bill nobody wanted. Why didn't YOU do something about gun control when YOU had a chance?
"I'm no Donald Trump," he admitted sheepishly.
Fans Worldwide Celebrate Whitney Houston's 56th Birthday!
Sadly, these people were never told she died in 2012.
I have a question for you:
If Trump stands in a forest and there's no one there to hear him...
Is he still bragging?
Fake News Explains!
What's A Domestic Terrorist?
Wear A MAGA hat in public and you'll find out soon enough.
American Chimpanzee