Tuesday, December 1, 2020

The Further Adventures of Kate & José: Shrimp

Kate and José were celebrating Thanksgiving with turkey.

     WILD Turkey.
     They were feeling pretty good before long, and José thought he’d tell Kate a holiday joke.
     “Why didn’t the turkey have any pumpkin pie for dessert?” he asked her, slurring his words.
     “Because he was stuffed?” she answered.
     “No!” he laughed. “Because he was dead, you dumb broad!”
     He fell over laughing, he was so pleased with himself. Also, he was drunk. Then he started crying.
     “Why are you crying?” Kate asked him, not really wanting to know.
     “It always happens this time of the year,” José explained. “Thanksgiving is when I became a homosexual. Do you want to hear my sad story?”
     “Not really,” Kate replied, still stinging at his “dumb broad” comment.
     “Good,” he said, ignoring her the way most men do. “I was but a wee laddie, when our neighbor took her family out of town to visit her mom and dad. Her husband, Coach Sandusky, stayed behind because, well, he just didn’t want to go. My mother, true to her nature, worried about him. Would he be okay? Would he have anything to eat? Would he ever pay back the money she lent him? So she sent me over to invite him to our house for Thanksgiving dinner.
      “I came back a little while later, and she noticed I was visibly upset.
     “‘José , did you go next door?’ she asked me.
     “‘Yes, ma’am,’ I said.
     “‘Did you invite Mr. Sandusky to join us?’
       “I shook my head no.
     “‘Why not?’ my mother wanted to know.
     “‘I was going to ask him, mom,’ I tried to explain. ‘Honest, I was. But when I knocked, there was no answer. The door was unlocked, so it swung open when I knocked. I thought that was strange, so I stepped inside. I called out, but there was no answer. Something felt wrong, so I walked inside of the house looking for Coach, I mean, Mr. Sandusky.’
     “‘Did you find him?’
     “‘Yes, ma’am,’ I said. ‘He was drunk and passed out in the kitchen. His zipper was undone and a little shrimp was sticking out of his open fly.’
       “My mother turned red. I could see she was embarrassed, but I guess she felt this was a learning experience for me.
     “‘That wasn’t a shrimp,’ she told me. ‘That was his penis.’
     “‘Really?’ I said. ‘Well, it sure TASTED like shrimp.’”
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair: Thanksgiving

My, what a Thanksgiving Christian and I had.

     Sometimes I think I'm the only one who knows my beloved husband for the prankster that he is.

     We had the Obamas over-yes, those Obamas-and as I was busy telling my servants what to do, Christian snuck into the kitchen where Corn the Turkey-yes, that Corn the Turkey-was being prepared for dinner. Christian stole away with the uncooked turkey neck without anyone knowing, and, when our guests arrived, he put it to hilarious use.

     Ding-dong! went the doorbell.

     It was the Obamas!

     It was their first time to our mansion, and I was anxious to make a good impression.,

     "Christian!" I called out. "Can you get that?"

     "Of course, Ana," he called back.

     What I didn't see was that when he went to the door he unzipped his fly and stuck the raw turkey neck out of it.

     "Oh, my God!," he cried in front of our horrified guests. "There's been a horrible accident!"

     Poor Michelle ran away screaming. Barack, dear Barack, was in tears.

     Deep down, I think they thought it was a good joke, but...

     I don't think we'll ever see them again.


American Chimpanzee




Thursday, November 26, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Top Ten Edition!

Fake News Reports!

10) So I say to you...

Ask, and it will be given to you.

Search, and you will find.

Knock, and the door will be opened for you.

Cheat, and you will win the presidency.

9) Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

Having said that, will this election never end?

8) Learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart.

I’m not at all like that fat, pompous ass who refuses to accept the election results.

7)  For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Then He made a list.

A list of all the people who supported Trump.

Verily, they shall suffer.

6) For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?

No, my child, if you’re looking for a profit you must look to China.

5) A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you, but I’ll understand if you can’t bring yourself to stomach the Republicans.

4) And know that I am with you always.

Yes, to the end of time.

Speaking of time, isn’t it time Trump conceded?

3) Man shall not live by bread alone. 

Occasionally, he’ll need someone to stuff the ballot box.

2)  I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

No one comes to the Father except through Me.

Except all Trump supporters.

They will rot in Hell.


1) It is finished.

Biden won.


Jim Duchene

Chief Fake News Correspondent


American Chimpanzee




The Week In Tweets: Special Who's Gonna Win? Edition!

 Fake News Reports!  

No matter who wins, I'm counting on the rioting and looting afterward to complete my Christmas list.

CNN Promises NOT To Prematurely Declare A Winner In Today's Presidential Election!

"Unless it helps Joe Biden," George Constanza look-a-like Jeff Zucker clarifies.

If there's one thing I've learned from this election, it's this:

If you try, you can find something good to say about anything.


At least you won't have to suffer the aches and pains of old age.

Stephen Colbert Breaks Down In TEARS On Live Television Upon Hearing The Unbiased CNN's Anderson Cooper Calling President Trump An Obese Turtle Flailing On His Back!

Relax, Steve.

It's just an election.

It's Official!

The winner of the 2020 presidential is...

The old white man with mental issues!

Jim Duchene

Chief Fake News Correspondent

American Chimpanzee





The Week In Tweets: Special Thanksgiving Pardons Edition!

 Fake News Reports!  

In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving!
"We're AGAINST turkey pardons," declares a hostile media.

In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving!
Pro-Choice advocates immediately bemoan this as "a bad example."
In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving!
"That turkey is dead to us," says the progressive left.
In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving!
And then slips in a quick one for himself hoping no one's looking.
In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons A Turkey For Thanksgiving!
I'm talking about Michael Flynn.
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, November 1, 2020

If We're Lucky

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

My elderly father refuses to admit it, but his daily walks are taking their toll on him.

     And me.

     Mainly me.

     He no longer walks as far, he no longer walks as long, but he's still determined to get out there and worry me to death. 

     "I don't feel like going," he'll sometimes say, but before I can encourage him not to torture himself, he's grumbling his way out the door. He's so stubborn, he even aggravates himself.

     If it's hot, I'll tell him to wait until it's cooler. He'll refuse. Sometimes he'll even put on a light jacket. I'm positive it's just to irritate me. When it's cold, he'll head out the door in shorts and a t-shirt.

     "At least put on a sweater," I told him. 

     "It’s not cold," he argued.

     "Pop, it’s so cold even Miley Cyrus is wearing clothes."


     I didn’t bother answering. 

     “It’s cold,” I said.

     "It feels warm to me.”

     "That's because we're indoors.”

     "I'll be alright," he said, but what he meant was,"Nobody tells me what to do." 

     When he got back, his cheeks were bright pink, his nose running. He was briskly rubbing his hands together, trying to get the blood circulating.

     "Man, it's cold," he growled as if it was something I didn’t know.

Meanwhile, my beautiful wife was simultaneously making him a warm tea and giving me the stink eye for letting him go.


Suddenly, it was colder inside than it was outside.

     When it's hot, he comes back looking as if he's just had a stroke.

     "Why didn't you tell me how hot it was?" he complained to me back in July, gulping down the glass of water my wife always has waiting for him. Room temperature, in case you’re wondering.

     “I TOLD you how hot it was,” I answered him. I didn’t know if he was serious or yanking my chain. “CHICKENS are laying OMELETTES, for goodness’ sake.”

     Later that night, he was sitting in his favorite chair watching his favorite sport on his favorite TV. His favorite team was playing. The score was tied. It was a good game. Even his dog was interested. Out of the blue, my father called it a day and shambled off to bed. My wife and I had been talking quietly in the kitchen. We just looked at each other. 

     Sooner or later, Father Time catches up with all of us. No matter how much we exercise. No matter how healthy we eat. We all get to the age where it’s our doctor telling us to slow down, not the police.

     For example...

     I've noticed the older I get, the more noises I make. Sometimes I grunt when I sit down, but mainly I grunt when I get up. My father grunts too. When he does, he blames it on the dog. 

     When I go to bed at night I must clear my throat about a dozen times. I don't know how my wife shares a bed with me, because it must drive her nuts. And thank goodness for my CPAP machine. You know the saying: “Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.”

     “Why is it that men who snore always fall asleep first?” my wife once groused.

     “Which other men have you been sleeping with?” I groused back.

     My father, on the other hand, drives ME nuts with all of his lip smacking, ooh-ing and aah-ing, and massaging of his front teeth with his tongue. I've tried to sit down with him to watch TV, but, after a while, the only sounds I hear are the ones he's making with his mouth. Modern Family’s Sofia Vergara could be jiggling around in one of her tight outfits and I couldn't enjoy it. I have to get up and go someplace else. Someplace where I can't hear the neverending Smack! Smack! Smack! 

     Yesterday, the “Ah, ah, ahhhs,” “Oh, oh, ohhhs,” and “Hee, hee, heees”  were so loud I could hear him all the way in my bedroom upstairs.

     "Sorry, Sofia," I told the TV, "I just can't give you the attention you deserve."

     The noises were so loud, my wife even asked if my father was okay.

     "He really likes Modern Family," I told her, not really explaining anything.

     My lovely daughter came into our bedroom and made the mistake of asking me why I never sit with my father when he watches TV. She couldn't help but notice I was watching the same program upstairs in my bedroom that my father was watching downstairs in the den.

     She shouldn't have asked.

     I told her the story.

     The WHOLE story.

     She thought I was being mean and went downstairs to keep her grandpa company. A while later, she came back and moaned that I never should have told her about her grandpa's noises. 

     "That's ALL I hear now," she wailed. She had a bowl of cereal in her hands. "I can't even eat in the kitchen, because all I hear is the smacking." 

     She shook her head sadly. 

     "Poor grandpa," she said. 

     Poor grandpa, indeed. 

     True, it's sad, but life is sad.

And old age is a road we'll all have to travel one day.

     If we're lucky.


These days, my back goes out more than I do.





Saturday, October 31, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Election 2020 Edition!

 Fake News Reports!  

About last night's debate...
If I wanted to see two old people argue, I'd go visit my parents.
FIVE Of Vice-President Mike Pence's Aides Have Tested POSITIVE For The Coronavirus!
Five aides and one fly.
San Francisco Becomes A National Leader In The Slowing Of Covid-19!
"And they said letting the homeless poop in the streets was a bad idea," a vindicated Nancy Pelosi babbles smugly.
Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris Reveals President Trump's Secret Plan To Suppress Democrat Voters By Leaving Banana Peels Outside Of Voting Booths For Them To Slip On!
Political Racist Don Lemon Admits On His CNN Show To Dumping Friends Whose Political Beliefs Don't Agree With His!
"Yeah, I'm that kind of guy," he sniffs.
Political Racist Chelsea Handler Brags To The Tonight Show's Jimmy Fallon On NBC That She Had To Remind Thug Rapper & Trump Supporter 50 Cent "That He Was Black"!
Thank God for whitey,
50 Cent... the Prince Harry of rap music.
Remember, America, trick-or-treaters for UNICEF will be collecting your mail-in ballots on Halloween.
The Country-Wide Cancellation Of Halloween Due To Coronavirus Concerns Derails Democrats' Plan To Hand Out Mail-In Ballots To Lucky Trick-Or-Treaters!
This Just In!
NFL Hall Of Famer Brett Favre ENDORSES Donald Trump!
"Well, that's just the push we needed," America's undecided voters declare.
The McRib Is Rolling Out NATIONALLY For The First Time In EIGHT Years In Anticipation Of President Donald Trump's Re-Election!
"Hey, we never said that," stammers McDonald's, nervously.
Look for it December 2nd.
Just In Time For Halloween!
Joe Biden reveals his Top Five FAVORITE scary movies:
5) Hmm...
4) What's that name again?
3) It's right there on the tip of my tongue.
2) Oh, yeah... it's
1) The 2020 presidential election.
FUTURE Fake News!
Biden WINS!
With nothing to report, CNN & MSNBC go out of business!
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee