Sunday, March 24, 2019

Off To See The Wizard

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies, but, I’ll admit, when I was a kid still in single digits, the grumpy apple trees and flying monkeys used to really creep me out.
     What actually out-and-out scared me was the scene where Dorothy was trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle, crying to the image of her Auntie Em in the crystal ball, and then the image of her aunt changes into the Wicked Witch! Who looks directly into the camera and cackles her hideous cackle.
     It felt like she was looking right at me.
   They were having a special showing of The Wizard of Oz at the Cinemark movie theater on the 27th, 29th, and 30th of this past January. It was sponsored by Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies (TCM). A funny thing that happened when I took my 4-year-old granddaughter to the matinee showing of it on Sunday the 27th. We got there early, bought our tickets, and stood in line to get our snacks. There was a single showing of Oz over the course of three days. This one was at one pm, and the Wreck It Ralph sequel was showing before and after it. We paid for our snacks and entered the theater.
     Can you believe it?
     There were TWO people sitting in our seats!
     A lady and her teenage daughter.
   “Excuse me, ma’am,” I told her, “but you’re in our seats.”
   “The movie’s not over,” the mother told me.
   “What?” I said.
   “The movie isn’t over yet,” the daughter repeated.
   I looked at the screen.
   Sure enough, there was Ralph.
   “I’m such a dork,” I told them, and my granddaughter and I sat in the empty seats behind them.
   When they left, my granddaughter and I moved to where they had been sitting.
   “My seat is warm,” my granddaughter told me.
   “Mine, too,” I answered, still feeling like a dork.
   Interestingly enough, for the showing of The Wizard of Oz we were at, there were mostly adults in the audience. Very few kids. A group of ladies sat next to us. They came in late, then left to go get food. They couldn’t have done that BEFORE they entered the theater? I said nothing, even though I wanted to. My granddaughter was enjoying the experience, plus this is a different time we live in.
    The lady who sat right next to us then answered a few text messages on her phone. It was distracting. To me, at least. Again, my granddaughter didn't notice and was transfixed by what was on the screen. I held my mud and said nothing.
    A few minutes later, my granddaughter finished the popcorn in her kid’s box and wanted more, but she didn’t want to miss whatever came next for Dorothy. 
     I considered my options. 
     I didn’t have any.
     So I did the math.
     The lady sitting next to us came in with three other women. They were all grandmotherly types, so I asked if she would watch my granddaughter while I made a quick trip to the concession stand. She was glad to. I was off and back, quick as a flying monkey.
    When I returned I thanked her.
    “Your granddaughter is a darling,” she told me.
    “She’s a good girl,” I agreed.
    I thought to myself: “Sometimes it’s better to hold your mud.”

     My granddaughter loved it.
     So did I.
     I never knew just how heartbreakingly beautiful Judy Garland was until I saw her on the big screen. Okay, I admit it, I even had to wipe away a few tears when she sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
     After the movie ended, as my granddaughter and I were walking out of the movie theater I thought about my soon-to-be 18-year-old daughter. The Wizard of Oz is her favorite movie. We watched it together many times when she was a little girl. Less, as she got older. So, when we got home, I invited her to join me for a father/daughter movie night. It was for the 30th. I had to take the day off to do it, because I don't get off work until 9:30 pm, and the movie started at 7:00, but I wanted her to know she was important to me.
     "Thanks for taking me, dad," she told me at the end of our "date."
     "I love you," I told her.
     "I know you do, because you NEVER take the day off."
     And it's true.
     I never do.
     But she's worth it.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Beto O'Rourke Apologizes... For EVERYTHING!

"I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. Really, really, really sorry. You don't know how sorry I am. How sorry am I? I am SO sorry. So, so, so, SO sorry. I couldn't be more sorry. I'm just so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to express how sorry I am. It's not possible for me to be any sorrier. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, I am on the tenth level of sorriness. If I were one of Spinal Tap's amps, I would be set at eleven, because eleven is one more than ten. You couldn't find anyone sorrier than I am right now. Because I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 'Knock, knock!' Who's there? 'Justin.' Justin who? 'Justin case I haven't made my point, I'm sorry.' Completely sorry. Absolutely sorry. An infinity of sorry. Infinity plus infinity times infinity. If you look up the word sorry in the dictionary, you won't find a picture of me, but you'll see a picture of Jesus pointing to a picture of me and saying, 'He's sorry.' That's how sorry I am. If I was Indiana Jones, sorry would be the huge boulder rolling down the cave after me. I am the Darth Vader of sorry. The Wrath of Kahn of sorry. The Plan 9 From Outer Space of sorry. What would you find in Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell? Me. Being sorry. It's not you, it's me. Okay, it's you. Not really, it's me. And I'm sorry. Really, I am. Sorry, that is."
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Deep Thoughts by Donald Trump

What's this antagonistic obsession Donald Trump has with John McCain?
     The New York businessman, reality show star, and greatest president in my lifetime has gone off on another Twitter rant about John McCain, while the rest of the GOP has stood by with a look on their faces like the one the passengers on the Titanic must have had.
     To find some insight to his obsession, I needed to look no further than his latest book, Deep Thoughts by Donald Trump.
     I read it, so you wouldn't have to.
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
That, and crushing John McCain.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Or until John McCain comes back from the dead to finally vote for the repeal of ObamaCare.
All men are created equal.
Except John McCain.
Thou shalt not kill.
John McCain being the only exception.
Win one for the Gipper.
'Cause he hates John McCain, too.
Hmm, I wonder what John McCain is doing right now.
To the victor belongs the spoils.
You know who's spoiled?
John McCain.
Or maybe he just smells that way.
God must love the poor, 'cause he made so many of them.
He made John McCain, too.
Stupid God.
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Then I'll be ready for a night of stalking John McCain's grave.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
You know who I don't love?
John McCain.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Then poison it and serve it to John McCain.
If he were still alive, that is.

Hey, you! Turn around!
Oh, sorry... for a minute, I thought you were John McCain.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Unless it's John McCain.
It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Hmm, that fat lady looks an awful lot like John McCain.
'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
'Tis a far better place I go than I have ever been.
Did I really say that?
'Cause what I was really thinking about was John McCain.
Don't shit where you eat.
Shit where John McCain eats.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But why doesn't it keep John McCain away?
Where are you, McCain?
I know you're here somewhere.
Last night, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Oh, how I wish it were John McCain.
We are our own worst enemy.
Unless you count John McCain.
I think, therefore I am...
...thinking of John McCain.
I have not yet begun to fight.
Because I'm still worried if John McCain is really dead or not.
Nice guys finish last.
Does that mean John McCain is a nice guy?
I hope not.
Knock, knock!
"Who's there?"
"John McCain."
"John McCain who?"
"Nothing, I was just thinking about John McCain."
Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.
Unless it's John McCain.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
By "us," I mean John McCain.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
So is John McCain.
Can't we all just get along?
With everybody but John McCain, that is.
You can fool all of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
Oh, why does John McCain torment me so?
Am I a man who dreamt I was a butterfly,
or am I a butterfly dreaming that I'm a man?
No, I'm a man.
A man who hates John McCain.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
But enough about John McCain.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
You know who doesn't smell sweet?
John McCain.
And I'm not just saying that because he's Irish like Beto O'Rourke or anything.
You know who loves me?
The Irish.
And they're going to pay for that wall I'm building.
What do you mean John McCain's an American?
You mean, like me?
No way, I know what I'm talking about.
Wait a minute, what am I talking about?
Oh, yeah... John McCain.
I never met a man I didn't like.
Except John McCain.
  American Chimpanzee