Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Week In Sheep Tweets!

This Just In!
" Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Rating At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.
 
This Just In!
Selena Gomez!
One Again!
Agrees To Act As Justin Bieber's Beard!
 
This Just In!
Republicans Once Again FAIL To Repeal ObamaCare!
"It's not our fault," the whiney whiners whine. "We only control the House and Senate!"
 
It was my first Civil War reenactment.
I didn't know you weren't supposed to use real ammunition.
 
This Just In!
Mega Millions!
Raises The Price Of A Ticket To TWO Dollars!
"The poor play the Lotto, and we want to take as much money from them as we can."
 
Visiting Auschwitz, my family and I were deeply moved, but I don't know why everybody got so upset when we set down a blanket and had a picnic.
 
This Just In!
Scientists Have Determined That Sheep Can Recognize Celebrity Faces!
"Those sheeps are LIARS!" says a disgustipated Harvey Weinstein.
 
For those of you who are still upset there will be no 3rd Sex & The City movie, watch an episode of Golden Girls instead.
Any one will do.
 
I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing it would sure stink to be a vegan zombie.
 
Hillary Clinton is OUTRAGED at Russia's alleged hacking of an American election.
"That's OUR job!" the DNC agrees.
 
Unlike the barflies at Cheers, I don't like to go where everybody knows my name.
That makes it too hard to skip out on my tab.
 
"There's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."
"Then why do you watch it?"
"I just told you, there's too much nudity on Game of Thrones."
 
This Just In!
Julia Roberts!
REMAKES Mask!
With Wonder!
Face it, Julia... you're no Cher.
 
The only thing I know about the future is that it's going to be more expensive.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Week In Halloween Tweets

The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.
 
For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy.
For myself.
The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.
 
He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.
 
Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie?
You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.
 
To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb.
I'd say most of you have got this covered.
 
Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl if he were to ask.
Don't beg, Janet.
It's beneath you.
 
"Honey, I have a confession to make: I'm a werewolf."
"Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."
 
Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise.
"When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!"
 
For Halloween, I'm going as your worse nightmare: The one person who knows your whole life is a complete lie.
 
The only thing better than candy is FREE candy.
 
My Halloween date cost me an arm and a leg.
Take it from me, kids... NEVER date a zombie.
 
This Just In!
"Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Ratings At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.
 
Trick or treat... OR ELSE!
 
Halloween's over?
Okay, everybody, you can take your masks off now.
What do you mean you're not wearing a mask?
 
Goodbye.
You're now one day closer to the end of your life.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene