The Week In Tweets: Special Disco At The DMZ Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

How Exciting!

President Trump has arrived at the DMZ, where he is expected to meet with Kim Jong-Un in a matter of minutes.

MY job, as an elite member of the Secret Service and our Commander in Chief's main bodyguard, is to make sure there are plenty of hot dogs for everyone.

  

The DMZ, where President Trump is waiting for Kim Jong-Un to arrive, is considered the most dangerous place on earth!

I have to agree.

This is where my ex-wife lives.

  

As the world holds its breath, President Trump waits for Kim Jong-Un at the DMZ!

As an elite Secret Service agent, and President Trump's head bodyguard, I stand ready to take a bullet for my Commander in Chief.

I plan to take it to Disneyland.

  

As an elite Secret Service agent and Donald Trump's primary bodyguard, I wait with the president for the arrival of Kim Jong-Un at the DMZ!

Unfortunately, I shook the hand of the Lady in the Blue Dress and now find that I am married to her.

  

What's this on my shoe?

Somehow I thought the DMXZ would be cleaner.

Meanwhile, President Trump...

STILL waiting for Kim Jong-Un.

  

"Someone find out where Kim Jong-Un is," an impatient President Trump orders from the DMZ!

"He's washing his hair,' I break the bad news to the Commander in Chief. "He'll be here when he's done."

  

Surprisingly, Robert Kraft--owner of the New England Patriots--has shown up at the DMZ, where President Trump waits for Kim Jong-Un!

Oh-oh.

He's just whispered something into the ear of the Lady in the Blue Dress and now I've been asked to escort him from the premises.

  

What a historic event!

Never before has a U.S. president stepped foot at the DMZ.

"Cowards! ALL of them!" bellows President Trump.

  

The DMZ is considered to be the most dangerous place on earth, so, as President Trump's numero uno Secret Service agent and bodyguard, I have to stay ever vigilant, ever wary, ever...

Oh, look!

COOKIES!

  

While waiting for Kim Jong-Un, President Trump has just signed his name on a tile on the wall of the DMZ!

It's a great honor.

It means he's just bought a timeshare there.

  

As an elite member of the Secret Service and President Trump's alpha male bodyguard, I must protect the life of our Commander in Chief at the DMZ!

However, I don't know if that includes the president dying of boredom while waiting for Kim Jong-Un to show up.

  

President Trump breathes a sigh of relief as Kim Jong-Un finally arrives at the DMZ!

No, wait.

That's just Rosie O'Donnell.

  

The Handshake Heard 'Round The World!

What a historic moment between President Trump and Kim Jong-Un!

  

For the first time in history, a sitting U.S. president was invited to, and walked into, North Korea!

"I claim this land in the name of the United States," President Trump said to a very surprised Kim Jong-Un.

  

At the DMZ, Donald Trump made history as the first sitting U.S. president to step into North Korea!

"What a lovely slab of concrete I'm standing on," said the president to Kim Jong-Un.

  

At the DMZ, as our Commander in Chief stepped into North Korea upon Kim Jong-Un's invitation, Fake News reported:

"President Trump INVADES North Korea! Will He Do The Same To Mexico?"!

  

Well, the historic meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the DMZ is over!

As an elite member of the Secret Service, and the Commander in Chief's premier bodyguard, I can now relax and visit one of those massage parlors Robert Kraft was talking about.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Celebrity Octagon Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Justin Bieber Has CHALLENGED Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon!

"Not with me. I mean, with my wife."

  

Justin Bieber CHALLENGES Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon!

"And YOU'RE next, Clint Eastwood."

  

Justin Bieber Double-Dog DARES Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon!

"Sure, I can beat Top Gun. I made Betty White cry, didn't I?"

  

The Great Actress Jennifer Garner Was In Deming, New Mexico To Meet With Migrants In This Country Illegally Who Are Being Taken Care Of In A Makeshift Shelter!

"We need a safe place to hold these unfortunates."

How about YOUR house?

"Uh... gotta go!"

  

The Great Actress Jennifer Garner Was In Deming, New Mexico To Personally Meet With Migrants In This Country Illegally Who are Being Taken Care Of In A Makeshift Shelter!

"Hey! Where's my WALLET?"

  

Bernie Sanders ADMITS He Watched President Trump's Florida Rally And That It Was Full Of "Lies, Distortions, & Nonsense"!

"Imagine my embarrassment when it was pointed out to me that I was looking into a mirror, not a TV."

  

Justin Bieber Has Taken Back His MMA Challenge To Tom Cruise About Fighting Him In The Octagon!

"His demands were ridiculous," a disgusted Bieber complained to Fake News. "Can you believe he actually wanted to hit me back?"

  

Just To Be Clear, I Am FOR Reparations!

Anyone who owns or has owned a slave should definitely PAY reparations to anyone who is or has been a slave.

  

Kim Kardashian...

That's too much garage for anyone's Miata.
  
New Shaft Sequel Turns Out To Be A Box Office Disappointment!
"Well, the African-American community has spoken," a Hollywood spokesman confirms. "They'd rather see movies with WHITE people."

  

    

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Best-Things-In-Life Edition!

I'm not always cranky.

I have to sleep some time.

  

I like to think before I act.

I think better after I nap.

  

The best things in life are free.

So are the worst.

It's everything else that's expensive.

  

My ex-wife is in prison for hosting a dinner party. She called the food her guests didn't eat "leftovers."

The homicide detectives called it "evidence."
  
When you go on vacation this summer, there are two ways you can travel:
1) First Class, or
2) With Children.
  
I have two long-term goals in life:
1) eat what I want, and
2) gain weight.
So far, so good.
  
I hate those "Employees Must Wash Hands" signs in restaurant bathrooms.
I can wash my OWN hands, thank you very much.
  
My boss told me: "Go hard or go home."
So I went home.
  
When someone pretends they're dead, we call it "Playing Possum."
I don't know what the possums call it.
  
When my father wears black dress socks with shorts and sandals, I tell him he looks silly.
"I'm an old man," he says. "I'm SUPPOSED to look silly."
  
Ugh!
I'm so full, I can't eat another bite.
Fortunately, my parents didn't raise any quitters.
  
Am I gaining weight, or is the world shrinking?

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Anti-Trumpers Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Fox News Anchor And Everybody's Least Favorite Third Stooge Shep Smith Encourages Americans To Read The Mueller Report!

If I wanted to read, I would have stayed in school.

  

Jon Stewart BLASTS Absent Lawmakers At Tuesday's Hearing Concerning The Continued Funding Of 9-11's Victims Compensation Fund!

Where was everybody?

They were too busy running for President.

  

Did Former Vice-President Joe Biden REALLY Vow To Cure Cancer If Elected?

Um, maybe you better go back to plagiarizing other people's ideas, Joe.
  

  Democrats: "We voted and now you have to hand over ALL your redacted emails and documents and there's nothing you can do about it. You hear that? NOTHING! Bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!"

Trump: "Ahem... presidential privilege."

Democrats: "Sheeet."
  
Theresa May Will Announce The United Kingdom Will Cut Carbon Emissions To "Net Zero" By 2050!
"And have you met my imaginary boyfriend Phillip? He assures me it can be done."
  
Is The United States Ready For A Russia-China Alliance?
"Give us a chance to put on our pants first."
  
This Just In!
Europe Is Complaining That It Has TOO Many Tourists!
Well, that explains their inability to serve anyone a cold drink.
  
Anti-Trumpers Are Using President Trump's 73rd Birthday To Celebrate John McCain!
"Celebrating John McCain's accomplishments will really stick it to Trump!"
Just out of curiosity, what were John McCain's accomplishments?
"You always have to spoil everything, don't you?"
  
Has-Been Who's The Boss Child Actress Alyssa Milano Is On Day 146 Of Her Sex Strike!
Wow, Alyssa, what's it like not having sex for over FOUR months?
"Ask my husband. He's got plenty of experience."
  
Has-Been Who's The Boss child Actress Alyssa Milano On Day 147 Of Sex Strike!
Wow, Alyssa, what's it like not having for almost FIVE MONTHS?
"Oh, I'm having plenty of sex. Just not with my husband."

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Mueller-gate Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

President Trump SLAMS Democrats As John Dean, Former Nixon Council, Is Called To Testify Concerning Mueller-gate!
"What the fudge am I doing here?" his opening remarks began, only he didn't use the word "fudge."
  
President Trump SLAMS Democrats As John Dean, Disgraced Nixon Council Who Hasn't Been Heard From Since The 60s, Testifies Concerning Mueller-gate!
"If your case depends on ME testifying," he tells the House Judiciary Committee in his opening remarks, "you ain't got shit."
  
This Just In!
The House Judiciary Committee Is Calling Gary Busey In To Testify Concerning What He Knows About Mueller-gate!
  
This Just In!
The House Judiciary Committee Has Arranged For Bill Cosby To Receive A Full Pardon In Exchange For Testimony About What He Knows And When Did He Know It Concerning Mueller-gate!
  
"What about ME?" Blubbers A Non-Contrite Harry Weinstein.
"Okay," says the House Judiciary Committee. "You, too."
  
The House Judiciary Committee Reaches Out To Charles Manson About Whether He Would Agree To Testify Concerning Mueller-gate.
Um, Charles Manson died in 2017.
"Oh, FUDGE!" the HJC said.
Only they didn't say "fudge."
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

The Week In Tweets: Special Pro-Cat Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

The Democratic Presidential Debates Are Scheduled To Take Place Over TWO Days!

Why two days?

Because the Democrats need one day to debate and another day to read off all the names of everyone who's running.

  

In A Giant Leap For Womankind, Mothers Can Now Nurse Their Babies In The New El Paso County Courthouse "Mom Pods"!

I've seen those Mom Pods.

They're not doing women any favors.

  

Republicans Boldly Announces To The News Media That They May BLOCK President Trump’s Mexican Tariffs!

“Aw, who are we kidding?” they admit, before sadly shuffling away.

  

Rumors Of A Possible "STRAIGHT Parade" In Boston Is Met With Anger And Criticism!

C'mon, Boston.

If you have to SAY you're straight...

  

New York Is About To Become The First State In The Union To Make The Declawing Of A Cat Illegal!

And THEN you'll do something about your homeless?

"What have you got against cats, mister?"

  

Why Is Pink Himalayan Salt So Expensive?

Because people will fall for anything.
  
President Trump Admits Prince Charles "Did Most Of The Talking" In Their Conversation Concerning Climate Change!
"I just listened."
Aren't you going to meet with the Queen?
"I just did."
  
FIFTY-TWO People Were Shot, Eight Of Them Fatally, In Chicago Over The Weekend!
That absolutely CAN"T be true.
Chicago has some of the STRICTEST gun laws in the country.
And that's all it takes, right?
Right?
  
President Trump Declares He Was "Never A Fan" Of The Viet Nam War!
"I've always been against any war I'd personally have to serve in."
  
Chicago's Former Mayor Rahm Emanuel Is Headed To A Cushy Wall Street Job!
"It doesn't pay as much as bribery and graft, but it's a living."
  
Why Does Presidential Wannabe Kamala Harris Constantly Nod Her Head When She's Talking?
So she'll have at least one person agreeing with what she's saying.
  
The Obamas Are Teaming Up With Spotify To Produce A Series Of Podcasts!
  In other words, like with Netflix, they're getting paid to do nothing.
  
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to EVERYBODY!
  
I'm not saying my ex has a bad disposition, but I have to take an Uber to get on her good side.
  
Fake News Special Report:
The 2020 Census Will Determine Which Households In The United States Have Spare Bedrooms So The Homeless And Incoming Asylum Seekers Can Be Relocated There Per The Excess Americans Initiative!

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Swimsuit Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Sports Illustrated Has Sold For $110 Million Dollars!

If they hadn't put all those politically correct models in their swimsuit edition, it would have sold for $220 million.

  

Dispute Over Customer's Vomit Led To Shooting By Albuquerque Uber Driver!

"Um, shooting you won't affect my rating, will it?"

  

What Are This Week's Activities At The Deming Senior Center?

1) Tub-Thumping.

2) Bringing The Ruckus.

3) Grave Dodging.

4) Extreme Lounging.

5) Battle Of The Booties.
  
A Belen Woman On An Electric Scooter In Albuquerque Has Been Been Charged With A DWI!
What was the police's FIRST clue that she was under the influence?
Duh... she was riding an electric scooter.
  
Heroic Border Patrol Agents Have Rescued A Paraplegic Man And A Double Amputee After Smugglers Throw Them Into The River!
"Immigration crisis? What immigration crisis?" Democratic presidential contenders insists with their heads all firmly stuck into a hole in the ground.
  
The New York Times Is FORBIDDING Its Reporters From Appearing On Any Politically Partisan Television News Shows!
Which, um, would be ALL of them.
  
The University Of New Mexico Is Considering Building A Fence Around Their Main Campus!
Silly UNM... walls don't work.
Just ask the 2,200 foreign nationals who entered the United States illegally over the Memorial Day Weekend.
  
In A Giant Leap For Womankind, Mothers Can Now Nurse Their Infants In The New El Paso County Courthouse "Mom Pods"!
Otherwise known as the lady's toilet stall.
  
Always Get Married Early In The Morning!
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
  
I will do whatever it takes to not do whatever it takes.

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene